I know you just couldn't wait for an update!

I guess it’s just time for a Single Girl update on well me.  Random thoughts… not in any real order.  *blogger is being lame and won't let me add my unique pictures I found to go with this post. Sorry only words this time :(

1.       I am officially a Single Girl once again, after a nice business like, Dear John, face book message it became official once more. You win some you lose some. Regardless I lived and learned.

2.       I have to meet with a lawyer and a counselor about my rape on October 17. Hopefully things go well and at this point, any help or justified action will make me feel better. I am still waiting to hear from RAIIN to see if I am able to become a public speaker for local schools and communities. I’m trying to turn a huge negative into a positive.

3.       I have realized I do not have a type and I will never understand men. Dating I get, beyond that I’m lost.

4.       I have been promoted at work which I don’t talk about so I won’t go into any detail. But that’s success. I’m good at work. Maybe that’s my calling and nothing more.

5.       I miss cuddling up to someone to sleep, as stupid and cheesy as that sounds. I think I need a dog, since my cat obviously plots my death while I sleep.  I think I'm a hopeless romantic. But I try to deny it with a bitter cover up.

6.       I have discovered who really my friends are and which ones are just people who come randomly in and out of my life, without care or worry when the time is good for them. I call those friends butterflies, they flutter in and flutter out and never worry about me.

7.       My biggest enemy is myself. I struggle with the idea that I’m a coward and not worthy of much more than I have. Though I cannot completely destroy my life and those in it, I question my own worth far too often.  I am constantly at war with myself.

8.       I’ve lost weight. Which I’ve never really discussed with you but it’s about 30 plus pounds now. I was never a big girl but I had extra baggage, the weight kind. I still have the mental kind.

9.       I will and can argue my point until I can no longer justify why I even tolerate the person who thinks differently. I’m very open minded and closed minded people really just get under my skin.

10.   I do not like being judged, I put my life out here in a blog for entertainment. Its life lessons that I’ve learned and I’m willing to share. If you don’t like them don’t read them and don’t complain about them.

11.   I am impatiently waiting the new season of The Walking Dead to come on. I love zombies. If I ever become one please just let me roam around. Don’t kill me just let me zombie around and avoid me eating you. Thank you.

12.   I enjoy a conversation over the phone with a friend or a nice debate with someone over sitting mindlessly alone or in lame company. I enjoy wit and intelligence over muscles and six packs.  If you can carry on a random conversation with me for hours, you have me hooked.

13.   I am excited to make my own Halloween costume this year. This even as I have just typed it seems pretty pathetic.

14.   I need someone to make my decisions for me. Since I obviously do not make good choices for myself. And apparently happen to be a bad judge of character.

15.   I firmly believe in butterflies, knots and that giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re seeing someone. If you’re not getting it… move on. Let’s not waste anyone’s time. We deserve to be happy and not to settle for anything less.

While Match making "Needs" trumps your "Wants"

Typically I try my best not to fix up friend or family members. If something goes wrong or it doesn’t work out then it ends up being my entire fault. However when you see someone in your life continue to make poor judgment choices about significant others, I think it’s my responsibility to take on the problem and fix it. After all, we do not always see our own flaws and issues as others clearly see them. Nor do we always know what is best for us. Some consider this meddling in the lives of others but in this recent case I think it’s about saving someone.  

I know how hard it is for two people, who could possibly be perfect for each other, to find one another in such a large world. So why not, just this once, boost them in the right direction? I say just this once as if I’ve never tried fixing my friends up before and usually completely failing in the process. But I try to be a closet romantic and hope that this time it works out. That this time I will be sitting one day possibly at their wedding watching them say their vows and thinking, yes I made this all possible. And ego fix? Probably but it still counts as helping others. And I like playing cupid!

I once fixed up two people in high school. It was a terrible date and they vowed to never go out together again. I doubled with them (my boyfriend and I at the time) to make it less awkward. And I will admit nothing went right. But I am happy to say they are now happily married and have a beautiful daughter together.  It may have taken them a little longer to get on track but I like to think I played a hand in the cards they were dealt.

Personally I think I’m very good at finding people for others. It’s just that the people I find are what those other people need not want. Needing something is far different than what we want usually. We want cheeseburgers but need a salad. We want that those thousand dollar shoes but need to be buying payless heels instead.  People need balance. They need someone who usually is somewhat opposite from themselves and yet easy to get along with.  

In my Single Girl opinion I believe everyone has a right to be treated well. Regardless of their past, everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship. Happiness does not always come in a six pack, even tan and bright blue eyes. Sometimes it comes in a hilarious average smart normal blue eyed package. Most of the time sense of humor can trump anyone with a good hair cut. Cologne can trump any gym rat sweat smell. And a simple hug can trump a one night stand.

Everyone deserves someone who will treat them with the love, respect and consideration they deserve so when I try to play match maker that’s what I’m looking for, for you. I’m not going off of looks alone, that doesn’t last. Sometimes our “type” is just a horrible replay of our past relationships.  Our “type” tends to get us into a vicious pattern of repeating the same relationship only with a new player.  Sometimes you just have to give people a chance, step outside your box and your boundaries of what you “want” and look for someone who has the qualities that you need.

It’s just my opinion… but if you ever “need” some help just let me know  ; )

I don't HAVE too... I choose too.

So lately in this (not so single) Single Girl’s life there has been a lot of debate about morals. People with them, without them and I think it boils down to this. If you don’t want someone to do “insert said thing here” then don’t “insert said thing here” to anyone else.  Treat other’s the way you wish to be treated. The golden rule basically...

This question arose, since my boyfriend is in the military and has been recalled. I do not know when I will see him or talk to him again. A friend asked me “Why do you have to wait for him to come back?” I said I don’t have too I want too. I take relationships seriously when I’m in one. His reply “It’s not like you’re married.” And I responded that just because he’s gone doesn’t make me single. That would be like every time he went to the store I suddenly became single because we weren’t together at the time. And then he said something that really troubled me. “Single girl, it’s not like he’d ever know if you went out. He’s gone has no contact with anyone…” That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I had not considered it. What a horrible idea, what a horrible thing to say or suggest that I would do.

I am not the cheating type. I have never cheated on anyone, not a single kiss with another person while being in a relationship. To me I find it morally wrong. I have been cheated on and it’s terrible, as a girl I found myself wondering why I hadn’t been “good enough” , what did she have that I didn’t?  I have also been the girl who was asked to be “someone special on the side” and I declined. I do not condone this type of behavior and think that if you’re willing to cheat you’re obviously NOT happy and should just leave. Get out, move on. Don’t string people along and pretend to care and hurt others in the process. Step up and get out of a relationship that apparently isn’t worthy of devotion.  Give the speech if you have too, the classic “it’s not you it’s me” but don’t just avoid and maintain some horrible ongoing lie with a person who obviously cares for you. (Side note: Once a cheater always a cheater... if they did it to them they will eventually do it to you!)

“Don’t you get lonely?” Sure I get lonely. When this happens I talk to my friends and go shopping, watch movies, hang out, do things that don’t involve having to have sex with someone. And at night I curl up and hug up to my pillows and try my best to have pleasant dreams and not worry too much about the “whatifs”.

After a very long rant with my friend he then said “Well how do you know he’s not out there cheating on you?” One, I highly doubt he would. Two, I highly doubt he has the time. And three, even if he was cheating, me cheating in response doesn’t make it ok or right for either one of us. There is no justification for it.

So, I don’t HAVE to do anything. I choose to wait until he comes back.  I choose to sit and wonder if he’s alright and choose to think about him. I choose not to go out with other guys. I choose him, it’s as plain and simple and as complex as that. You may not understand, you may think that I’m crazy. But it’s my choice to wait around.

  I choose to be an UnSingle Single girl.

You can't argue Scientific facts!

You can’t argue science. So I’m going to logically explain something in scientific terms:

In every experiment you have a constant. This is the item that remains the same throughout the experiment. Then you have variables (usually multiple ones). You add the variables to the constant to see the different reactions.  The experiment has been set up for years and it simply includes me.

I am the constant (C ). The men I date are the variables (V1 ect.).  Let me show you my findings.

C +V1= fail
C +V2= fail
C + V3= fail
C + V4= fail
C + V5= fail
C + V6= fail
C + V7= fail

Do I really need to keep going with the variables? Are you seeing a pattern? Each time you add a different variable (man) to the constant (me) the same result yielded.  What does this prove you wonder? Well it proves the problem isn’t in the variable the problem is with the constant. The problem is me.

So how do I (the constant) change this vicious cycle? If it’s me then how do I know what to change? Each variable/ man was extremely different from each other: ranging from tattoo artist, rock band guitar player, older man, virgin, whore, saint, broken or the breaker. I am the only thing that in any of these failures remained the same. The types of men were extremes.

So fellow blog readers I ask you this: What am I doing wrong?

Single Girl dating strategy or secure healthy relationship?

Question: Why are the rules to being in a relationship so much different than the rules to dating? I find it extremely hard to stop that Single Girl mind from playing the dating game to determine where I stand in my relationship.    How do you draw the line between Single Girl dating strategy and secure healthy relationship?

Relationships are when the games stop correct?  I admit I struggle with the idea that I’m possibly paranoid or not capable of being loved.  In either case the relationship do’s and don’ts are not exactly what I expected them to be.  I don’t want to come off needy but then am I coming across as uncaring? Giving too much or too little? What’s he thinking, should I ask should I not?  Why am I bothered by it so much?

If something were wrong I truly believe that he would tell me. I don’t see him as dishonest or a person to drag someone along. He’s a great guy. We don’t fight or argue and I genuinely care about him. Maybe that’s why I’m so paranoid about all the, what ifs and whys, that are going on inside me. Is it normal for me to be so scared to lose something this early in the game? 

I will be honest I have a poor choice in men. And when we first started dating he was persistent, made me laugh and won me over. He’s a good guy and probably the first “good guy” I’ve ever dated for an extended period of time. Not to mention the fact that I think he’s very handsome. But making me laugh was probably the best feeling in the world, he’s well rounded and seems completely normal.  (You’ll understand if you’ve read my blogs) At times I wonder why he would even like me?  People think once you’re in a relationship that’s the easy part, but for me it’s always been the hardest part.

I don’t know how to be treated well, it scares me. But it’s definitely a good feeling, which leaves me wondering what’s going to happen and when is it going to end and how will I eventually fuck it all up. For now I’m holding my head above water, hoping everything goes smoothly and remains on the up side. And if my next blog says otherwise let me just say now how truly lucky I was/am to have spent any amount of time with him at all, he’s wonderful, funny, handsome  and makes me happy. I wouldn’t change that.

Side note: I have no strange nick names for him, how normal is that :)

 Not all relationships have to be a vicious battle. It’s time I realized that.  

Serious Sex Obsession, (not about me!)

Hello I am Single Girl and I would like to note this is NOT about me. But it's something I wanted to share since people really don't talk about it. I figured I should. Let's hit those topics other's shy away from.

I know that everyone likes the idea of sex addiction. The thought of being addicted to it seems logical and harmless but that’s not the case. A true addict puts themselves in danger constantly and really the only gratification they receive is the initial stimulation but it doesn’t last. People who have a sex addiction are craving something far greater than actual sexual gratification or sex.

The term "sexual addiction" describes the type of behavior a person with an unusual intense sex drive, disconnected from emotion. They have a hard time maintaining healthy relationships because the addiction itself becomes an obsession and the personal relationship becomes null and void.  The idea of intimacy isn’t there, thus they are obviously not fulfilling the void in which is actually missing. The connection between one human to another does not have to be made through sex; however, a person suffering from the addiction often feels this is the cure for their problems.

Like all addicts they deny the problem and place blame on other people or alcohol. When in reality their brains are twisted enough to believe that they can stop without treatment and without any form of help. This puts the person at a huge risk, a major disadvantage to the typical sexually active person. Situations arise such as: rape, unsafe sex, unfamiliar sex, sex with strangers and dangerous sex which can lead to internal damage, psychological damage or STD’s which are no longer a concern to the addict and pregnancy often occur leaving the people more disconnected than ever.

Treatment of sexual addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality, by building and maintaining ongoing relationships and bonds with stable people (again not necessarily sexually). Treatment includes education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and often group therapy. Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with sexual addictions (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) also are available. In some cases since sex addiction is an obsession, medications used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder may be used to curb the compulsive nature of the sex addiction. But that is only in extreme cases.

Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:

·         Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)

·         Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)

·         Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands

·         Consistent use of pornography

·         Unsafe sex

·         Phone or computer sex (cybersex)

·         Prostitution or use of prostitutes

·         Exhibitionism

·         Obsessive dating through personal ads

·         Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking

·         Sexual harassment

·         Molestation/rape

Like any obsession it can be more or less severe depending on the person.  I wanted to be better informed since I know people who probably suffer from this. Sex doesn’t fill any emotional void in your life. It never has and it never will.  Therapy is the best solution to get to the root of the problem. Otherwise you’re living at risk each encounter. I love you AM! I’m here for you always.