When I lost a fellow classmate, a wonderful friend and an amazing inspiration to many people (especially me), at much too young of an age to a sickness most people haven’t heard of, I began thinking about the talks that we had. He loved me; I had known this for a long time. He would have done anything for me. He would have gone through hell for me, if I’d even so much as hinted its necessity. He defended me many times and was there for me through the death of another dear friend I lost too soon to the war in Afghanistan. At night he would remind me why life was worth living. He would focus on the great things in life and how proud he was of me and what I had become. Even though he continued to push me to do more and make myself better.
As I sit and think of him and his short thirty years of life and the friendship that we had, I also realize the things that he will miss out on. And I rip myself apart thinking of things that I could have done to help him cross something, anything off the bucket list. To give him more of a life he wanted than the one he had. His last part of life was full of doctors and appointments, medications and treatments, though when I met him he was an average sophomore guy.
I think back to when I first met him and how we even became friends. Had it of not been for his secret crush on me through shy conversations that evolved into detailed debates and hilarious banter and my own naïve freshman mind thinking I knew everything about life and love and the effects it can have on your entire life. I pushed him away and kept him as a friend. Part of me loves that he has always been my friend. I have something of value knowing he was a true FRIEND. However, the other part of me wishes that I could have been more to him.
He talked to me about having a family one day and being married. Of what his future held. He was extremely optimistic and I enjoyed listening to his dreams and future plans. At that time he was in remission, the odds were in his favor. I smiled and told him he would have all that and more because he was an amazing guy, that everyone and anyone would want to have someone just like him in their lives. Then in fear of the seriousness of the conversation, we laughed that I would be a crazy cat lady forever.
Maybe I could have married him. Had children with him and had a family. We could have been normal. We could have had it all. And for a short while he would have had everything he wanted! Though I would have hoped it would have been more than he could have ever dreamed. I also think that he would have had a life that lived on much longer after he moved on.
Yes, my memories and the memories his other friends and family, have are worthy of keeping his spirit going. But I wish I could have done that for him. I wish I could have made his short life a tiny bit better and given him that wish. Given him the family and life he wanted even if it was only for a short period of time. And then I would have been left with a living piece of him as well. Someone that I looked at each day to remind me how beautiful the world can be and how in tough times you find your strength.
He often reminded me how I was worth so much more than I allow myself to believe. For the rest of my life, I’m going to live up to his standards. I love you dear friend, no more tears in heaven, you’re the music in my heart.
“Remember be that dream, live that dream you and I are that dream; with an undying, undiminished, unfiltered, uncontrollable, love.” (His words to me) I will never forget you. Rest in peace my dear close friend, knowing that your life (though not nearly long enough) touched so many lives and forever changed mine.
All your life you will remember him. I once had this in my life and lost it too except in my memories. I am glad you wrote this.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to write this straight and leave it unedited for fear of just deleting it in order not to offend you. Right... the loss of his young life is beyond words like terrible and crushing, so I won't even pretend to know how you must feel. But what you say about maybe you should have- I disagree. The decision you made (or rather the decision you did not make) was right for you, and the eventual tragic outcome does not change that. You can't live on with self- imposed guilt over something you not only did not do wrong but also would have been a big lie if you had gone through with it. Your heart did not say YES at the time, and that's what love, family, kids are about. A mutual YES without if and but. If it had been right, you would have known and done it. But that lad would not have deserved you to fake it- no matter how great your love for him was and is, it is a love different from what would have been needed to make it true. You cannot force feelings. Look at you now, you still love him. But you say "could have married", not "should". You did right, and he left this world a loved man.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing hun love is eternal and he knows where he is that you love him and you will see him again x
ReplyDeleteI'm not bothered by the comment at all. I value it. You're right it would have been a different kind of love. I love him but I was not IN love with him. I don't necessarily think it was the best idea I ever had but it was something that had been weighing on my heart for a while. It needed to get out and it needed to be read. :) Thank you all for reading <3 SGO
ReplyDeleteNo offense, but as I was reading this, i get the feeling you a bit full of yourself. To honestly think that you were the one thing that could have completed his life is a bit much. To marry, to give someone a child just for a bucketfew list is absurda to me. Granted, i am looking in from a third party perspective, so i do not know the exact love that was felt. Regardless, i do not feel you should hold the guilt of not having married him. If it was meant to be, it would have happened. Dont dwell on ifs. Sounds like you had a marvelous friendship and you both were content with that. Be happy for that type of friendship because they are few and far between.
ReplyDeleteI love no offense comments. They say I'm about to offend you but don't worry about it. LoL I'm not offended but nor am I full of myself. It wasn't me that would have made him complete. It was the idea of the conversation we had of him wanting a family... a dream of his that I could have helped him with. It wasn't that I alone could have made his life a much better life, he had a good life. It was that I could have given him something that he longed for. A family. It wasn't about me being magical. Just me being able to give him something...that he really wanted in life. I didn't do it obviously. But I do love him and often wonder what if... it's in my nature. There is no right or wrong answer here. It's not black and white. As with every relationship there are gray area's...
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