Single Girl to Single Woman????????????

I was driving down the road with my cousin (21 y.o) on one side of me and my Mother and my younger (17 y.o.)cousin in the back of the car, when I looked at myself in my rear view mirror and realized I'm starting to look my age. I'm actually getting older. I have been feeling it for years and now I'm starting to see it. The worst part was not that I'm aging (though I will admit I am not taking it well ) it's the just the more I thought about getting older  the more I realized I've been acting my age and  far above my age as well..... the  begining of the end. And my birthday is soon.... take at least five candles away please...

Top Signs Single Girl is getting Old.

1. I look forward to sleep on the weekends.

2. My Sunday's are always dedicated to house work.

3. A guy speaks to me and immediately I wonder "How old is he?" Not because he might be too old but because I think he's too young!

4. I immediately feel like an old woman when I walk into the mall.

5. I'm not hip with the new lingo you dig me?

6. Cats.... I own two.

7. I spend more time thinking "I really don't need to waste my money on that." when I'm out shopping.

8. I think in career terms instead of job terms.

9. I've accepted my age because I can't hide it anymore.

10. Instead of arguing with people I suddenly have become the bigger person.

11.  I think how my actions will affect others and the rest of my life.

12. I share life lessons with teenagers and say "I know this because I've lived it."

13. I use the phrases "One day you'll regret..." or "One day you'll think about that and realize..." when talking to a person about a problem they're having. And then later to myself I say "If they would have listened to me..."

14. Everyone younger than me has issues.

15. I can't even define cool or use the correct word to associate what cool would be in today's youth terms.

16. My cell phone has more phone numbers for family, coworkers and doctors than potential dates.

17. I'm proud of my flowers and my lawn that's still a work in progress.

18. Songs I used to sing along to with my Mother are now one the "oldies" radio station.

19. I have houseplants and none of them are illegal or can be smoked.

20. The "other" items outnumber the alcoholic items in my kitchen.

21. Everyone looks too young to be driving, dating or drinking!

22. I miss having naps.

23. Sexual harassment doesn't happen to me anymore.

24. I cut my hair.

25. A ten minute wait at Red Box for movies is my Friday night entertainment!

26. I have icy hot and mineral ice to rub on my joints when they're sore.

27. I put decorations in my house with inspiring words and quotes.

28. I'm crafty.

29. I read a lot.

30. The television is used for background noise while I spend most of my evening working.

Babies and birth control should have been the least of my worries...

As most of you noticed I posted a photo today of a missed birth control pill. And I’m sure every girl on the pill can vouch for the fact how easy it is to miss one pill. The comments and humor surrounding this photo brought up a memory of my ex. I’ve thought about it all day and how to tell this story. Where to begin and how to make sure you get the point I’m actually trying to make with it. I do not want the focus to be on the fight as much as the moral that at the time I was too blind to see (birth control was NOT my problem).

I had been with Mr. Comfort (at the time) for five years. We had settled into a very boring life. If you would have asked me then I would have told you I was completely happy. I would have told you that I was exactly where I was meant to be and he was exactly what I wanted. I would have done anything for him, and most times did. Defending his poor work skills, lack of motivation and ambition, ignoring his lack of hygiene and over looking his late nights with the boys and his obsession over W.O.W. or whatever it was that they did in the garage of his best friend’s mother. I would have told you that buying his clothes, food and whatever new “toy” was on the market was alright with me because love had no value, it was just money and I wanted him to be happy. I would have told you I loved him, that he was good to me and that I was loved in return. I would have naively told you he felt the exact same way about me.

I had been on the pill for probably four of those years and I had started having medical complications. I had gone to the OBGYN and together we discussed multiple options. For a time we switched my pills trying new ones with different levels of estrogen, then as a final result she suggested I completely stop taking birth control until we figured out what the problem was. I had hope that maybe I had been on the pill for too long and a break would obviously do my body some good.

I had kept Mr. Comfort up to date on each of these visits. I didn’t hide it from him, I never once pretended things weren’t being changed around or increased or decreased and so when my doctor suggested I stop taking the pill I also told him that.

I sat in the bedroom telling him I was going to be taking a break from the pill so we would need to use other protection as we had before I was put on the pill. He nodded in agreement. I explained my that my doctor thinks my body might just need a break from it and that I could go back on it again in a few months but for the time being  we would have to be "careful". He nodded in agreement. At first he and I were both against me being put on the pill for multiple reasons. One very important one is that it can reduce a woman’s sex drive,but once I realized I was only going to have three day periods there was no changing my mind.

My sex drive had decreased but so had his interest in me. We weren’t rabid sex craved teenagers anymore, when each moment alone was a chance to have sex. Being on birth control meant he had to try a little harder to get my engine ready and at times he was willing to do so, other times not so much. Together we had let our sexual relationship be put on the back burner to our comfortable it happens when it happens, it is what it is and this is our live routine. Healthy??? Not by a long shot but like I said “we” loved each other.

After being off the pill for a week or so my sex drive came roaring back into play. No longer could I sit near him alone without it constantly playing in my head. Each time I went to bed it was solely for the purpose of having sex. I wanted it more at that time than I had when we first began our sexual relationship. He didn't complain and I kept him busy...

 Towards the end of a very passionate romp in the sheets, he came inside me. Immediately my mind went into panic, OMG I'm going to get pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! However, in order to NOT freak him out I said nothing.  That night I lay awake for a while scared. I was not ready to be a mother, he was not ready to be a father. I would have to tell him that we could not do that anymore. We were too young to have a baby. And by too young I mean 23. I was not going to be one of "those" women who had "accident" children.

The next day we went to Bob Evans for lunch (freaking Bob Evans!!!!!! ) and I sat smiling and laughing with him completely content, with just him and I, not wanting to add a mini either one of us to the equation I decided to bring up that we definitely need to be more careful in the bedroom.

“You know last night was awesome. But we have to remember I’m not on my birth control and…”

*What the fuck? (He yelled in freaking Bob Evans)

“You know I haven’t been taking my pill, I told you that…”

*Well fuck, we might as well name the fucking kid now... Jesus, fuck me. A fucking kid?

“Seriously? I told you about this! You knew from day one, don’t act like this is my fault!”

*You scandalous bitch, you’re trying to trap me! If you get fucking pregnant I'm stuck!

Trap him? Scandalous? We have been dating for five years if I wanted to “trap” him I would have done it sooner.

Mean while all the older couples enjoying their Sunday lunches and their families have started to look us as if we were white trash. He continued to draw attention to us pointing the blame all on me.

“How dare you speak to me that way, I’m the one here telling you we need to be more responsible and you’re attacking me? It’s obvious you don’t listen to a single word I say. Or you WOULD have remembered!”

*You let me do it. You could have stopped me. This is your fault. I’m going to be fucking stuck with you and some bastard kid I don’t want forever. There goes my fucking life. Are you fucking happy?

With that I got up. I walked away, I was embarrassed, hurt and completely stunned by his behavior. I apologized to the elderly couple sitting closest to us and asked if I could pay for their meal.

*You better save your fucking money for that kid of yours…

They declined realizing I had more problems than the looks I was getting from the entire Bob Evans Sunday crowd. I left the building I walked to my car. He came out after me. The entire way home I refused to speak. For a while he too was silent then he tried to smooth things over. I was beyond words; no amount of apologizing could make up for the hurtful words he had just said. I looked dead ahead at the road, replaying the entire Bob Evans outburst in my head.

“Scandalous bitch, bastard child, all my fault… Scandalous bitch, bastard child, all my fault” like a record repeating in my head.

*You know I was just shocked and didn’t mean all of that. I just hope you’re not pregnant. Fuck. Um, I’m sorry, my temper got away with me and…

His mother pulled up into the drive way where I was trying to get him to leave my car. I still had not spoken a single word to him. I sat there disgusted by this person I “loved” who supposedly “loved” me, angry tears began to form in my eyes as his mother approached the car going on about some party or some family event she wanted us to attend, I couldn’t look at her and I refused to look at him. I couldn’t sit there without completely melting down and screaming at her son for what horrible things he had said to me and about me. She stopped in the middle of her rant:

“Single girl… are you okay? Mr. Comfort is she crying what’s going on… what happened…

*She’s fine mom just leave her alone. I’ll talk to you later alright…. Alright? I’ll call you. I’ll see you tomorrow ok… ok…

I didn’t answer. I would not answer.

 He finally got out of my car and as he walked away I could hear his mother asking him a million questions. Questions I knew he wouldn’t answer. Things I knew he would never tell her and probably never speak of again, even to me. These were things I would never forget…

And yet I stayed with him, until he cheated on me and broke up with me six months later.

Past, present and your friend's ex's

I’ve often heard one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. In that sense I ask you this, is one woman’s ex another woman’s white knight? Does it make a difference if that woman is one of your friends? I wonder should you take a relationship hint from your female’s friends past mistakes?  What factors play into this decision? How close of a friend is she? How long have you known them? What if it was years ago? What if they’ve both moved on? What if, what if, what if…

If they didn’t last does it mean that you can’t succeed in a relationship either? Not all people are compatible, we each have ex’s we wouldn’t recommend to other women; however, many of my ex’s are happily in relationships and even married. Just because they weren’t for me doesn’t mean they aren’t for anyone else. So, how do you decide whether or not to judge someone on their past relationship or just jump in head first and hope for the best?

One of my friend’s ex’s has over the past years repeatedly tried to go out with me, spend time with me or just “hang out with me”. I admire his persistence, what woman doesn’t want to be chased? Though I enjoy a good game of chase, I’m a woman who eventually likes to be caught. But I don’t feel being caught in this game would make a smart decision.  Would I just be another animal tracked down by the hound…

Though I’m sure my friend may have had some of her own issues in their relationship, he holds just as much to blame. I wonder what would make me any different from her. Should I hold him accountable for something that may never happen, should I assume he’d cheat on me, fight with me, and belittle me in the same way she had once described to me? Or it is completely unfair to judge him by someone else’s standards? Am I being fair to him by refusing the persistence, ignoring the compliments and avoiding his company?

Is it possible that people change? Is it possible that one man will treat every woman the same? Back to that am I the rule or the exception question… Or should it just be that I should ignore him not because he hasn’t changed and not because he could treat me the same way but because he was once my friend’s boyfriend. Should it become a matter of loyalty to my friend and not a matter of his character; however, everyone is someone’s ex!  Where do the lines cross, the tracks meet and the road end for all the exceptions I should make or the reasons I should pick a side.

At what point should you stop letting another person’s past ruin your possible future?

*Thoughts at random. Single Girl’s Mind gone awry. *

Sexually Textual

So, in order to respond to all the love in the air in spring time I thought that I would share a little tickle your pickle game, to keep you occupied and still sex free. Not all of us randomly go around sleeping with strangers and having sex with random people, or maybe that’s just me. However, I do have needs and I do enjoy a good time. And you can play this game with your boyfriend, girlfriend or text “friend”.

A while ago with a boyfriend of mine I came up with a game to keep us in the mood and ready to go at the drop of a hat whenever we finally got time to be together. With jobs and life sometimes it’s hard to have the time for foreplay. And let’s be honest, sometimes we can’t just jump to it and be raring and ready to go. We came up with a way to keep us both on the edge of our seats with anticipation that made it even more fun once we finally met later in the day/night.

The game was called “Truth, Picture, Dirty Go!” In the game using cell phone cameras, text messages and often times short videos anything goes. Any question can be asked and MUST be answered with the truth. A picture can be sent and a similar picture must be returned. For example for a underwear shot for a panty shot. Dirty is a scenario “What would you do if you were with me right now…. (insert place)” and then your partner in crime follows up with dirty talk from head to toe where you would they start, speed, finish and end up. The “Go” portion of the game is to signal you’re on your way home and it’s definitely a game on night.

With videos they can get tricky. It doesn’t have to be the same video but it has to live up to the standard and level of the video sent to you much like the picture. However, in the video you try to one up the other. You want to go a little further than they did.

The tricky part is for neither of you to actually “get off”. The anticipation and the build up through the day will make your night much more enjoyable. If you give in to the urge you’re going to miss the passion later. Make it an ongoing daily event. I’m a firm believer in daily sex when in a healthy relationship. Make sure to keep it interesting and fun and you’ll always be left wanting more… and your partner? The happiest one on the block!

Now if you’re not going to see each other. Be sure to keep it going as long as possible before you give in. The longer you go the more enjoyable your own experience will be. Slow and steady wins the race.

Single girl’s opinion gives this two thumbs WAY up!!!!!!!

Reality Check each night immediately followed by laying down in bed....

Now that I’ve deleted all my dating sites I’m a little lost in the dating worldg. I think this is the first time in a VERY long time that I haven’t been “talking” to someone or “texting” or having some form of communication with a man of some interest. This has made me realize a few things:

1.       I have no life. I work which allows me to avoid any

real life. Make any connections with anyone, truly

to avoid any pain it may cause me. I work and go home

and work some more. A plus side to this I have

been spending more quality time with my family.

Cleaning my house (kind of) and reading.  I have found

comfort in reading at night while I cannot sleep.

        Reading has replaced my texting conversations at
        night.I used to text men I was talking to until I could         finally fall asleep.
Night time is definitely  the  loneliest part of the day.

At night is when I think about the people I’ve lost, the people I’ve encountered and the horrible things that have happened to me haunt me, as if they were projected on my ceiling constantly replaying them. I don’t focus on the negative but at the end of the day, with an empty house, shut away in the dark, feeling completely alone in the entire world, they seem to lurk into my mind and keep me awake. These people, these things, they are haunting my waking hours as much as they do my dreams.

2.       Having this time to clear my head before jumping into anything with any man, even just casual texting has made me realize what I have lost in the past. And that I do love him. I questioned it while we were together. I wondered if I actually did. And it’s not because I’m lonely; there have been other guys I’ve talked to since and could have strung along for the ride if I just didn’t want to be lonely. But I didn’t do that. I stopped. I moved on and let them go. Because that isn’t fair to anyone. After all of it I really do love him. And why do I? I am in complete control of myself, the only person I can control is me so I've been told. Then why can't I tell my head and heart "Single girl don't be stupid, you can't love him! NOT HIM!"

3.       Loving him doesn’t change anything at all. Especially his mind.

And because there isn’t anything I can do about that. I’ve decided to do whatever I can do for me. I’m going to go back to school. I’m going to get hobbies. I’m going to have some sort of life… I just have to decide now what I want to do with my life… and what I want to spend it on. After all we only get one....

I could have changed the world as well...

It took a very long time for me to write this and though it's not my usual rant, it is about life a love and loss...

When I lost a fellow classmate, a wonderful friend and an amazing inspiration to many people (especially me),  at much too young of an age to a sickness most people haven’t heard of, I began thinking about the talks that we had.

He loved me; I had known this for a long time. He would have done anything for me. He would have gone through hell for me, if I’d even so much as hinted its necessity. He defended me many times and was there for me through the death of another dear friend I lost too soon to the war in Afghanistan. At night he would remind me why life was worth living. He would focus on the great things in life and how proud he was of me and what I had become. Even though he continued to push me to do more and make myself better.

As I sit and think of him and his short thirty years of life and the friendship that we had, I also realize the things that he will miss out on. And I rip myself apart  thinking of things that I could have done to help him cross something, anything off the bucket list. To give him more of a life he wanted than the one he had. His last part of life was full of doctors and appointments, medications and treatments, though when I met him he was an average sophomore guy.

I think back to when I first met him and how we even became friends. Had it of not been for his secret crush on me through shy conversations that evolved into detailed debates and hilarious banter and my own naïve freshman mind thinking I knew everything about life and love and the effects it can have on your entire life. I pushed him away and kept him as a friend. Part of me loves that he has always been my friend. I have something of value knowing he was a true FRIEND. However, the other part of me wishes that I could have been more to him.

He talked to me about having a family one day and being married. Of what his future held. He was extremely optimistic and I enjoyed listening to his dreams and future plans. At that time he was in remission, the odds were in his favor. I smiled and told him he would have all that and more because he was an amazing guy, that everyone and anyone would want to have someone just like him in their lives. Then in fear of the seriousness of the conversation, we laughed that I would be a crazy cat lady forever.

Maybe I could have married him. Had children with him and had a family. We could have been normal. We could have had it all. And for a short while he would have had everything he wanted! Though I would have hoped it would have been more than he could have ever dreamed. I also think that he would have had a life that lived on much longer after he moved on.

Yes, my memories and the memories his other friends and family, have are worthy of keeping his spirit going. But I wish I could have done that for him. I wish I could have made his short life a tiny bit better and given him that wish. Given him the family and life he wanted even if it was only for a short period of time. And then I would have been left with a living piece of him as well. Someone that I looked at each day to remind me how beautiful the world can be and how in tough times you find your strength.

He often reminded me how I was worth so much more than I allow myself to believe. For the rest of my life, I’m going to live up to his standards. I love you dear friend, no more tears in heaven, you’re the music in my heart. 

“Remember be that dream, live that dream you and I are that dream; with an undying, undiminished, unfiltered, uncontrollable, love.” (His words to me) I will never forget you. Rest in peace my dear close friend, knowing that your life (though not nearly long enough) touched so many lives and forever changed mine.

Shhhhhhhhhhhh! It's a secret. I promise I won't blog about it! Mr Military!

So that thing that I promised NEVER to blog about, well here it goes.

This borderlines the how far is too far to go? What actually becomes to intimate to share with others?  Obviously not this……

At first when I promised I wouldn’t ever blog about it, I followed it with “As long as you never hurt me, or do anything weird you have nothing to do worry about.” Well FAIL, Mr. Military you hurt me so now it’s too funny NOT to blog about.

 I had been dating Mr. Military for a few months and things were going well, regular daily/nightly sex, hanging out with friends, quality time with each other, he held my hand in public, a genuine awesome guy. (Apparently I’m an idiot)

Then suddenly, we stopped having sex.  I would try and be shot down. He was tired. He had a headache. Excuses, excuses, excuses! Like an old couple we went to bed and went to sleep. That was it. I enjoy sex and I did enjoy it with him so when that was taking away from me I wasn’t extremely thrilled.

Finally, I was frustrated, and I said* “I feel like a guy. I always want to have sex with you and you’re always turning me down. We’re too early in the relationship to be “too tired” or “have headaches” all the time.”

He was obviously not very pleased with the fact that I had talked to my friends about how we didn’t have sex anymore. What can I say? Girls talk and I didn’t understand and wanted advice.  What could have turned so cold so fast? And he looked at me and said

 “You tell your friends about our sex life?” Hello duh! I’m a girl. Of course I talk to them about it and in this case the lack there of it. All my friends know when I’m in a relationship it must happen daily. It’s the way I am. Relationships are more than sex, I completely understand that. But I only have sex when I’m in a relationship so it’s necessary!

*“Yes, but that’s so not the point. The point is you never want to have sex anymore. What is it?”

“If I tell you something………”

Longest moment of silence in history, I just sat there with this concerned yet evil glare on my face, hoping for the best and yet expecting the worst.

“Do you promise not to blog about it? Because if you are going too then I’m not going to tell you.”

LOL –FOR REAL!

*“Well as long as you never hurt me or do anything weird I wouldn’t blog about something that you didn’t want me too. Besides I never use names…. I’m kidding.” <truth

“Well about a week ago, I went to the medic because I’m having a problem. And I didn’t want to tell you about it until I was sure.”

*“Sure of what? What kind of problem?” Now immediately I thought he was having the getting it up problem. I had a relationship like that before as well so I could understand that with the stress and importance of his job. I could help him through that.

“That’s the part I hate telling you. I have this…. This… well…. rash, the medic said it’s a heat rash.”

*“ON YOUR PENIS?”

“Yes…………”
“But it should go away. I thought maybe it was something else. I was so freaked out I was scared that maybe…”

*“What that maybe you had caught something from me? You think I’m diseased? You think I’m dirty well that’s fantastic. Thanks I really appreciate it. I was tested after the rape, you knew that and you have been the only one I’ve been with since but thanks for thinking I’m fucking around or lying to you.”

“No, I thought that sometimes it takes a while for symptoms to show and if I had something and would have to tell you that I had it I was going to feel horrible. So, I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure.”

*Angry Me “Well now you knew and I had to bring it up. You seriously thought it was my fault. If you gave me a STD I would be fucking pissed.”

“No the doctor said I should just use some powder. But I don’t have any. He gave me cream to use but it’s not helping. I’m embarrassed to go get the powder myself.”

“If it’s a heat rash you need gold bond or something. You don’t cure a heat rash with ointment. Are you sure that’s what you have?”

“Well that’s what he said.” He conveniently pulls the SUV in to a pharmacy parking lot. “Will you go in and get it for me?”

So into the pharmacy I march, searching isle after isle. All I find at first is a powder called “Anti Monkey Butt” and baby powder. Thinking like a man I thought that I wouldn’t want my penis smelling baby fresh. But who wants to use something called “anti monkey butt.” So I walked over the counter asked for the gold bond powder. Pointed in the right direction I grabbed it and two bottles of water, paid the man with my money and headed out back to the SUV.

I get the back in the SUV hand over not only a normal size bottle of Gold Bond but a travel size as well. Yes, I thought a head I’m an awesome girlfriend!!! <truth

Two days later:

“So the powder isn’t working”

*“WHAT?” I know it has to be something more.

“The rash is still there… and… it has… a smell. It itches all the time and has some off white discharge that smells funny.”

*“Does it bun?”

“No it just itches.”

*“And it smells like what?”

“I don’t know it just smells the powder and cream only make it worse.”

Think think think…. What could it possibly be.

*“You have a skin yeast infection.”

“No way.”

“No really you do. My grandma gets them and the infants I’ve been around get them from time to time. You need a cream especially for that or it won’t heal.”

Back to the pharmacy. I march in get yeast infection pills and a tube of Monistat cream and give to him.  (Yes that's a picture of a skin yeast infection but not his)

The rash is so bad that the Monistat isn’t doing anything except eliminating the itch momentarily but he refuses to go to the doctor, refuses to get it fixed or helped or cured!

Mr. Military was afraid of the doctor! Even with his horrible rash on his penis he would do nothing about it. I couldn’t understand it, but through it all I stayed faithful. I was in this relationship for good and bad.  Then……..

When he decided to break up with me through a facebook message, I got tested for STD’s. Whatever Mr. Military had, I didn’t catch. I hope both he and his penis at rash free and happy.