Last words... Heartfelt and honest. I may be sick.

A dear friend of mine told me that if I felt compelled to be heartfelt I should go with it. Though it typically isn't my forte', as you know I much prefer humor in my life verses the reality of the Single Girl world. However, you will find this blog interesting, I'm about to share my thoughts on ex's and people I've loved with you. What I would like to say to them, if given one more chance.

To the last man I loved;

I find it hard to believe we had gone from that giddy knot in your stomach happy all the time feeling, lovers to strangers, without me knowing. I had no say. I have no reason. To this day you are a mystery to me. I couldn't have imagined that I was happy. And I couldn't have imagined how easily you would completely write me off in your life. Best regards? Had we not cuddled and held hands? We didn't kiss and talk and text constantly. And no this was not forced, it was a two way street. We were in it together. I met your friends, I volunteered with you and to help you. And you left with no explanation at all. You left me with unanswered questions and you left me filled with lies, that it is only months later that I find out to be true. I adored you in every way possible. I was in awe of you.

And though this will never reach you, I still find it hard not to care about you. I wish you well. I wish you happiness and love and all the things I truly believe you deserve, regardless of how you treated me in the end.

If our paths ever cross again, I will smile because I know you and I saw you even if it was only once more.

Single Girl

To the first man I loved;

You, though by no means perfect, will be the man I compare all others to. Years ago I would have gone to the edge of the Earth for one more chance with you. ANd though that opportunity did arise, you were not in the right state to be in a relationship, I wanted to know that you wanted to be with me and not that you needed someone to fill the void and the lonely hours. You are the man I always wonder "What if..." what if I had two children. What if we had the house and the yard and the family. What if we could have been that happily ever after?

You've claimed you were a stupid boy when you broke my heart and that's true. Innocent love can easily be blind the bitter reality of how we knew absolutely nothing about what love and a real relationship was and yet I find myself longing for that innocence we shared. That holding hands and kissing at the movies was "risky". That even then I was a good girl and you slightly hated me for it.

When I was ready you were not. When you were ready I was not. We live such a vicious cycle that I wonder if it will ever pass or if one day... just maybe we will meet in the middle both completely ready for the rest of our lives. Call me hopeless romantic but wouldn't that be the end of the begining of a beautiful love story. 

Reality hits hard as I know deep down our innocent love is far gone. We've been dulled by life and love and the lack of healthy relationships and yet my history with you, not perfect, but it was real.

To the lovers, the loved and the loveless, may we all find whatever it is we are looking for.... I'll keep looking for my "you".

Single girl

To the man I loved in comfort,

I realize now that we were not happy. But we were completely comfortable. We fought and we lived completely different life styles and yet comfort held us together for all those years. We played the part well. Smiled at the right moments and I claimed happiness. But it wasn't enough for you. Sadly I think I could have lived the majority of my life being just content. Not ever really knowing what happiness was. In my mind, jaded of course, I considered that to be life. We weren't happy but we weren't miserable. I have my regrets with you as I do others.

I wish that we would have been able to come to a better resolution. I wish that I could have agreed and knew then what I know now and how much better we both are apart. We spent so many wasted years trying to maintain that terrible routine that we forgot to have a relationship. So, after all these years the only thing I have left to say to you is "Thank you." Thank you for having the courage to do what I could not. I could have never left. I was scared of the unknown. I was scared of life without you. What would I do if I didn't have you to fill my time and to take care of?

I wouldn't have managed to accomplish so many wonderful things that I was able to do and continue to do each day. You changed my life and at the time I was completely crushed and yet now I look back and I realize by letting me go, you've let me live. No longer bound to routines and caring for a grown boy.  I have become so strong. I wish you knew the girl I am now compared the girl I used to be.

Thank you for walking away and not looking back. Your courage set me free.

Single Girl

To the Only Man (who never turned on me),

In some strange way I find it hard to even consider what I would have done so many times without you. I have called you in the middle of the night, I have reached out to you time after time and no matter how I treated you and pushed you away, you came back. You believed in me and I swear you even loved me, what could have been if I hadn't pushed you away so many times.

Your bull shit as well as your brutal honesty with me was refreshing and yet at times hard to hear. I think about you often, though I'll never break down and say that I'm sorry or crawl back to you, this ship has sailed. I've raised the white flag and surrendered. We aren't meant to be because I'm not good enough for you. Each passing scar, you tried to mend though you were not the one who caused the pain. You tried to make me see the brighter side and you made me want to believe that "happily ever after" isn't just a fairy tale. But I have been poisoned by the world, by man, by cruel intention. And you are so much better off without me.

I cut all ties from you. I refuse to bring you down to my level. And I refuse to hurt you anymore. Though I have never shown it hurting you has always been hard for me. Knowing your past (as well as you knew mine) I couldn't bare being another woman to let you down.

You once told me I reminded you of your Mother. And though you loved her I always thought how horrible she was to have treated you the way she did her entire life. I guess we are drawn to what we know to an extent. I'm sorry for your life, but most of all for the parts that had me in them. Though I do not doubt I taught you lessons in life, they aren't lessons anyone ever wants to learn. Broken hearts and battle scars.

You were my strength and I was your weakness. "I wish you health and wealth and white house on a hill and I hope you raise a family, a little boy and a little girl a little more joy in this little ol' world well that would be enough for me. If you think that I don't love you you're just wrong but that don't matter now anyways. "

With a breaking heart, I do apologize.

Single girl

To my Hero, my friend and my side kick,

I think of you often. Not a day goes by that you're not on my mind. That something doesn't occur that makes me think of you. Though we were never "in love" and we were never even a couple, I love you more than you will ever know. You always looked out for me and knew I was so completely messed up that I needed that. No matter how hard life got for you, you always asked how I was first. Had I have known the last time I would have seen you, the last time I would have messaged with you, I would have told you how important you are to me.

How sometimes you were the only one in the world that I could talk too and you were often thousands of miles away. That messages from you and conversations about "nothing" made my day because I knew you were truly my friend, regardless of how crazy I was/am. You had my back.  I would have let you know that I would have done the same for you (and I feel I did in a much smaller way). I wouldn't have missed the opportunity to tell you how awesome you are, what an amazing person you are and how lucky that made me to call you my friend.

I often wonder about the things in my life you've missed. How you would have reacted to the news. I sometimes wonder if you were still with us if  it would have happened at all. You are timeless. You are irreplaceable and you are one of my dearest friends. I will see you again one day and that day, I won't waste a moment to tell you how awesome you were, when you were alive.

I could write about you for hours and how much you meant to me and it would never be enough. I miss you terribly each and every day!

With so much love, respect and admiration, rest in peace my dear friend, until we meet again!

Single girl