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Saturday, June 11, 2011

I was raped.

I have been out of the blogging and social scene for a few weeks now. I had shut myself off from the world, locked myself in my room avoided social contact, I felt dirty, I felt confused, I felt used and damaged,  and I felt like something had been stolen from me. I had lost no, not lost I had been robbed, cheated.  I had been raped.

I would like to tell you exactly how I remember it. But I can’t do that. I can only tell you to the point I remember and the after affects this event has had on my life.  I can share with you in detail what witnesses have told me but I can’t say that I saw or remember any part of this.  Which lead me to a very important question, if I can’t remember this how could I have agreed to it?

I had blacked out, couldn’t walk, in and out of consciousness and all the while my friend I had known for a very long time “cared for me”.  I’m using this term cared for me very loosely because I cannot whole heartedly believe that I was in the care of a good friend anymore.  So, I’m going to give you a time line which is all I have from friends.

Last thing I remember:  Small drink of pop (the only drink left in the can) that had been brought to me and a shot of Jack. I will not claim I was intoxicated completely. Had I have had a few drinks yes. But I handle my alcohol much better than black outs, incoherent speech and complete shutdown of my entire body, muscles limp, body uncontrollable and unmovable.

I would like to say I remember driving or being driven but I do not. I also do not remember getting back into my house. Nor do I remember ending up in my bed, having sex, or having my friends show up in the middle and catching him red handed.

In the words of my friends I came to for a moment and yelled “I didn’t fucking agree to have sex with you I didn’t say you could do that to me.” Then I passed back out. I had been strung across my bed, without my underwear legs spread apart. I can vouch for the fact that I never sleep on my back hands above my head legs spread wide open in half my clothes but I do not remember this happening.

In the words of my friends I was not drunk they had seen me drunk before. I giggled and laughed and made a fool of myself but I could hold my head up. I could carry on a conversation without passing out in the middle of it. I could stand up without falling I could move about the house without slamming my head into walls or falling on the floor passing out yet again. I am not that type of drunk. My friend who is a nurse said I “didn’t seem right”.

My friend I had known for years who answered their call upon my door unexpectedly dressing himself claimed to have been asleep on the couch. He acted weird they said. He was persistent that Single girl had just drank too much. And that they should leave. Then he was persistent that they NOT go into my room to check on me or try to wake me up.

 “He acted uncomfortable when you screamed at him and went pale. He tried to tell you that you agreed to it but you kept insisting that you had not. I wanted you to come with us. So we told you to get ready and you feel. He said he would help you. You yelled at him the entire time. He seemed in a hurry to get you gone and away from him. Then demanded he retrieve the bottle out of your car. He kept telling us to just take you along with us anyway. But you were clearly unable to stand or move. We were worried about you.  He then went back to the room to check on you and said that we needed to just leave because you had fallen back asleep but you had really passed back out. You were standing with your feet on the floor and had fallen backwards onto your bed still half dressed completely out of it. You couldn’t answer our questions and you mumbled unable to make some words. But you clearly insisted you did not agree to have sex with him. We left your house after an hour of trying to get you conscious again.”

I woke up three hours later. I looked at my phone wondering why my friends had not shown up to pick me up and how I had gotten home and was only half dressed. Why my feet were planted on the floor but my upper body lay awkwardly on my bed. I picked up my dress to hang it up and saw a discolored stain. I immediately text my friend “Did we have sex” and his reply “You better fucking be on birth control.”

I couldn’t remember anything. I tried asking him about it but he insisted I enjoyed myself to which I replied I must have just laid there unable to move because I had still felt some affects of what I thought to be alcohol since he insisted that I had drank so much.

Later I found out that I had maybe four or five shots. Not to sound like an alcoholic but that wouldn’t have done the trick. Also the bottle was not over half way empty as he had claimed. He also said we had both drank from the bottle and not a fourth of it was gone. If we both drank from it that still wouldn’t be enough to make me black out and have no recollection of the event. I did some talking to friends around me.  Things started not making any sense. His story didn’t fit how I felt, and what they had seen themselves.  His actions alone were out of character for him I had known him for years.

 My mom had even mentioned my behavior that night was unlike the girl she knows when I’ve been drinking.  I was lethargic and extremely tired. I just laid around, emotionless and relaxed. A comment from a friend made me google the date rape drug. I read each symptom off with tears streaming down my face. I had every single symptom of being slipped a drug in my drink. I was horrified and extremely disgusted with not only him but myself. I had always been so protective of myself. I watch my drinks at bars. I don’t take drinks from strangers I always request it come straight to my hand from the bar tender. I never leave my drinks unattended. But I had known this person. I had shared good times with this person I had been drunk with this person. I didn’t fear him. I didn’t worry about his intentions.

I spent a week blaming myself. And trying to avoid this at all cost, I had no memory of it but couldn’t get it out of my mind. I recently decided to speak with friends about it. We are consulting lawyers we know, police officers we know and I will be having a hair strand tested specifically for this type of drug. It is now too late for a blood or urine test to show any signs of the drug in my system however the hair is a much different story. I will get to know the truth. If it turns out I was not drugged and I was just “drunk” I still did not agree to it or was in my right state of mind to agree to this event. And if I said “yes “at any point I was not coherent enough to make a sound choice therefore it is still rape.  

I thought this would be so much easier to write about but it has been the hardest story to share because I don’t know the details I don’t know what happened all I know is that it was wrong.  Someone I trusted did this to me. Not a stranger, not some creepy man stalking me in the shadows, someone I knew and cared for was able to damage me and take something from me.  He was able to completely control me and my actions.

It is with a heavy heart that I share this story with you. Some of you may have experienced this and some of you may not have.  But know this; it’s never your fault. Please be careful and guard yourself sadly even among the closest of friends.  I have no clever saying or thought to leave behind with you other than; rape or unconsentual sex is never ok.  

Sunday, June 5, 2011

And well... I did it.

I am just like you.I have flaws.
I have real friends and fake friends.
I'm faithful and faithless.
I'm loving but unloved.
I'm bitter and hardcore.
I would go back if I could.
I have regrets.
I make mistakes.
I trust too little and yet too much.

Most importantly.... I lost my bet.