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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Just me and the Jack-ass on the Jerk off Date...

When I first started dating again I dated pretty much anyone who was willing to take me out. I had a lot of bad dates. Which have all turned out to be hilarious stories. My favorite by far is with a man for legal reasons we will call Jack.
Now, having no idea where single men go, I had met Jack online. (Which I swore I would never do... but you have to start somewhere...) So when I finally agreed to go out on a date with Jack. We decided on a very traditional date. Dinner and a movie.
During dinner we had amazing conversation. Jack was a high school teacher and extremely good looking. We had similar ideas and laughed at the same humor. So around this time I NEVER allowed men to come back to my house, after all what sort of girl would they think I was but Jack seemed normal enough. And after a string of very 'not so normal' guys, Jack was a breath of  fresh air. Had a job, dressed well, and decent. Which we all know is NOT my type. Jack seemed dare I say it like the "nice guy".
So I decided to invite Jack back to my house to watch movies. After all it is much easier to get to know someone while watching DVDs than in a movie theater where you pay 13 dollars to see a movie and can't talk or pause it when you have to pee and you miss something. He agreed that would be a nice way to end the night.
Jack and I drove separately back to my house. At the time I had a very large very jealous German shepherd who did not like the company of men in "his" house so I walked in first and took Milo out through my kitchen to my backyard. Jack came into the house.  Very well mannered took his shoes off at the door and told me I could pick the movie because it was just nice to be spending time with me (awwwwwwwwww right?) So  while I'm picking a movie Jack decides to walk through my house and nearly immediately says to me...
"Rachael I think your dog is getting out?"
"Out what do you mean out"
"Digging out of the backyard..."
Well Milo had never tried to leave the back yard before so I jumped up took off running into my kitchen where Jack was standing facing out my back door. Once I got near the back door of my house jack turned around  and.......................

Jacked off all over my shirt. Yes. He had masturbated onto my shirt. The entire time he was standing there yanking on his penis and then blew his wad on my shirt. I stood there in complete shock. WTF? Seriously who does that... I said a few choice words to him while standing with my arms out in complete disgust looking down on my nasty semen stained shirt and he dared to kiss my forehead and say"We'll have to do this again..." and he left.
This is proof that I am fly paper for the mentally unstable. The jerk off jack ass.

Moral of my story? "Normal doesn't exist."

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Where's the ziplock seal when you need it? Do not open until Christmas!

In order to maintain my sanity and stop mind fucking myself. I am sealing my vagina, it is now off limits. No more sex for me. (Keep checking in, I won't lie about it I will let you know when it happens, but for now I'm done.) I've had 'regretable sex' as my male friend put it and he's right. At first I tried to make myself believe that hey it was at least a good time but the more I think about it the worse I feel. And the more I think I should have been smarter than that.
I have always been the girl who said "No" turned down one night stands and avoided random sex, or 'friends with benefits'. I just never saw how that worked out for anyone involved. Years ago I had a one night stand and felt completely disgusted with myself afterwards, I immediately kicked the man with the santa claus boxers in September out of my house and refused to ever talk to him again. I swore I would NEVER do that again. That I would never let myself feel cheap and used. But here I am... with regrets. And this regret... my latest regret also had christmas boxers on? Hello a sign... hell yeah. I should have stopped at the christmas trees... but no I unwrapped my gift in March and now I'm on the naughty list again!
Have I learned from my mistake? Probably not but I'm a single girl in progress. I have never claimed to be perfect. But I do enjoy sex. So how will I keep my legs shut until I think its worth it? Hell if I know.  But I've done it before I can do it again. Kegel's, will power and a whole lot of masturbation will get me through this. Because let's face it the men I find aren't worth it. And I know that. But even now when I pause to think of my next sentence the thought of "them" gets me weak in the knees.  I have at least five in mind that are nothing but trouble, they drive me completely insane and yet I would completely fall head over heels for them if even given the slight hint that they were interested. I'm self destructive.
So here it is ladies, I'm giving it up. Cold turkey... 

"No SEX til Brooklyn" (I know it's sleep but it's funny in my head)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Round 1 GND vs. OTG

This rant won't be too long. And maybe none of you have ever even gone through this problem before. It's probably not going to be funny or my best work by far but tonight I'm in a weird mood. My problem is this I'm either the girl next door that you love (and I don't love you back) or One of the Guys (and I'm madly in love with you). Never in the right place at the right time. So, come what may I'll play the part.

Why can't we love who love us and be loved by the people we love? And who the hell spiked my drink and hacked my page?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You, you, not you, you and you... ok I'll have one of each!

I have yet to find a man/boy/guy who can meet all my needs. It may be impossible to meet my standards of living, wants, desires you name it. I'm demanding. This again goes back to me being picky... however I have discussed this with my close girl friends and found a way to have a successful relationship and get everything you need. The key is not to expect it all from one man. You have to find multiple men to satisfy different needs.
For example a different guy for a different mood or day of the week. I prefer mood. But do as you wish.
* Cage one I will place the romantic guy.
* Cage two I would put the sex god.
*Cage three I want the fun and funny guy.
*Cage four the rich guy who will take me shopping and vacationing.
*Cage five the tough fix it all guy, my very own handy man.
Now don't get me wrong you can switch these guys around and use them for different things however their main purposes will be those labels. Because obviously you will choose men who are good at those things... you wouldn't want Mr. Nice guy as your Sex god now would you? No because he's nice not the type to ravage you in the kitchen.
So you come home from a hard days at work and need a massage and a nice dinner and to relax. Get out Mr. Romance and have him run you a bath, rub your feet, cook you dinner and put you to bed with a full body massage. It's a Friday night all you want to do is get rid of the work week blues pull out Mr. Fun and Funny and go out dancing or to a comedy club, lots of laughs and entertainment. Feeling a little frisky? Mr. Sex God is one cage away from fulfilling your every fantasy.  Need help around the house and want to watch a man sweat a little. Mr Fix it out and ready to work hard for you!
Now I realize that some people will object to keeping men in cages but I see women dancing in cages at clubs all the time. Just because they don't live in them doesn't mean it's any better. 
Expecting one man to satisfy your entire wants and needs list ladies is much too demanding. Let's give the guys a break we all know they can't be good at everything all the time. That would make our lives way too easy. So, pick out what you need and want in your life. Kidnap five men who fit those needs and use them. After all haven't we been used many many times as well?

"Men are like shoes, you can never have too many."

Saturday, March 26, 2011

HELL NO! Not in that hole!

I know girl's who like it and claim is the best 'O' they've ever had. I know many gay men who live by it. But this girl ain't having it! I Will try a lot of things and I will applaud other's for going beyond certain "limitations".  To each their own, live and let live. But ANAL SEX????? Absolutely not sir!
My ass is tight but that does not mean your penis should go there. When there is vagina there is no reason anal should come into play. If you like vagina leave the ass alone!  I mean look at it like this you have two options already let's not get greedy by throwing a third into the mix. Do you really think I'm going to let you stick that thing anywhere near my mouth once its been humping around in shit? My mouth isn't able to lick my own ass and there's a reason for that. So I don't want you discovering ways to help me accomplish that. Mouth to ass via dick is not on my list of things to do. And do you know how sick it is for the penis to go from ass bacteria to vagina? Hello I'm not getting nasty shit infections so you can shove your penis up my ass and make me walk funny for days. The doctor will know and then I'd get the lecture vagina first then anal.... all because of the nasty bacterial infection I got from your shitty penis!
Maybe if you let me shove my 10 inch dildo up your ass first we'll talk about it. After all you should give and receive. If you want oral I get oral. You want to finish with the big 'O' and so do I. So if you're willing to let me jam my dildo into your ass for about 10 minutes as hard and fast as I can well then at least you're willing to take one for the team. But no man is. Not any that I've dated. So before you start asking for anal you might want to rethink this.
And don't dare think about sneaking that thing into that zone. A slip in the wrong direction sends off sirens, we're in battle mode I first kick the guys upper thigh to push away I use my other foot and hold him back by his stomach and scoot as far away as possible while clinching on to the very close call of my anal virginity. Everything shuts down when you slip. Automatic turn off. Even if only by accident. I will attack that man at any moment if he think that's going to happen. I'm wired to defend and protect that area and nothing not even your  slip up with stand in the way. I will escape at all cost. We will fight to the death and trust me I will win. My ass is staying tight and away from you. Look at it, grab it and touch it all you want smack it it you must but do not for one second think you can slip in out of it and escape my wrath.
If you get hurt in this process so be it, your dick does not belong in that box!

 “The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.”
(and this quote ladies was brought to us by a man)

Friday, March 25, 2011

I'm in love...

I'm in love with the idea of love but only with certain people. There are people I talk to randomly but consistently enough that make me still get that butterfly feeling, knots in my throat, want to beg you stay feeling. But I never do. If they've moved on then so should I... But why do I still get the feeling in my stomach that makes me sick... that feeling that swells up like a knot in my throat just waiting for me to swallow and let the tears come pouring out.
I AM NOT A CRIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But every time I see these few people's pictures, pass them in a car or speak with them I get that feeling. That feeling of why didn't you want me? What did I do? What's wrong with me? And I know that my family and friends would obviously tell me nothing. That I'm wonderful just the way I am. But I can't help but wonder... Not everything can be everyone elses fault. And please don't give me the "you're too good for them speech" because it only makes me feel worse. If I'm too good for them why am I not with them? Smartest thing in the entire movie "Clueless". People want to be with people one step above their level. Or at least on their level. Guys especially go for the higher levels... so if I'm so great then they should all want me right? In theory that sounds great but we all know it isn't true.
I would like to take all my ex's and put them on an island. Its not that I want them to suffer or hurt. I just want them to completely disappear from my life. Which is hard considering I live in a small town and everyone is friends with everyone on facebook. No matter who I talk too there's six degrees or less separation from my ex's and me. Why do ex's still have that power over me? Is it that I want what I can't have? Do I simply want them because they don't want me?
I have an example of one of my ex's and the idea of him repulses me. I thought I was madly in love with him but now that he actually wants me back I have no interest. So, do I like the other guys more or does knowing I don't stand a chance with them really get under my skin? I love them, I love them every time I see their pictures every time I hold a casual conversation with them, I get giddy and all over again I'm mind fucked.  I get all antsy with pleasure and expect things to go right for once... but because it's an ex, it never does.
The only reasonable explanation for this... I'm fucked.

"There's a reason why they're ex's..."
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

Thursday, March 24, 2011

For my pleasure?

All this talk about sex safe and I'm the first to admit that I have not been the safest girl in the world. I have taken Plan B twice in my life but for my age I  think I'm doing pretty well. I've also never been pregnant and I don't have any kids. So pull out and pray has either worked for me or my entire vaginal system is an epic fail.
I just don't like condoms.
I can't help it. I don't like them. They don't feel good. They kill the moment and they're gross. Let's not even mention the fact that they leave a horrible after taste. I know that being single girl in today's society I should preach to all of you that condoms and birth control are the only ways to prevent unwanted pregnacy and STD's. However, I can't do that since I don't practice it on my own.
I don't go whoring around and having sex with anything that pops up but my number has grown and each time it has been unprotected why???? Not because I was raped or forced against my will, not because the guy refused to wear one because I didn't even stop to think... put on a condom. Not once did that cross my mind any of the times I've had sex. Now of course it crossed my mind afterwards it always does... obviously too little too late.
I take my birth control like its my religion but I know this doesn't guard me from any sexually transmitted diseases and yet I still continue to preach the word that I hate them. I loathe the idea of them. I know you can't look at someone and tell whether or not they're sick, whether herpes are going to invade your life for ever... but in the moment herpes are the last thing from my mind.
So I'm faced with a dilema... risk verses pleasure. Is the pleasure worth the risk. Is the risk worth the pleasure? That my lady friends would all depend on the guy. What if I had terrible sex with someone who had aids? What if I had wonderful sex with someone who had herpes? Would it matter if it were the best sex of my life if I ended up with some terrible vaginal grossness? HELL NO! But I cannot bring myself to stock up on condoms and encourage their use.
I remember seeing a video that condoms can be "sexy" and it showed a women attempt to put it on the man with her mouth... have you tasted the after affect of condoms? YUCK! I don't like the taste of rubber bands no thanks... I just can't do it. Call me stupid. Call me a fool. And pretty soon call me STD girl because condoms are not for me...

"She won't get sick, if you cover your dick."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

And there will never be another...

You'll always remember your first. That's absolutely true. But there's way too much importance on it for girls. I was told to wait. But I was also told it would hurt. My mother was realistic when it came to sex. She never made it out to be something glorious. Never talked about my "flower" or the birds and the bees, it was real talk. Straight out. This is what happens, it hurts you can get pregnant be careful!
Now most mother's I knew did not take this approach to talking to their girl's about their first time. They made it sound like something magical. Something special that you hold on to and share with someone you love and that respects you. Something that you give knowing it will forever remain magical and perfect in your mind because it was your "first".
I'll be honest... that made all my girl friends want to rush and do it more. They lost their virginity's way earlier than I did and I think it was due to the appeal of the fairy tale image we preach to girls about their first time. I knew girls who planned out the day to lose their virginity and the special occasions or well thought out plans were ruined by the reality of it. So I say we skip the fairy tale with girls and get straight to the point. Let them know how it really is.
The first may be the one you'll never forget but it isn't always because it was the best. More than likely every time after that will be much more enjoyable... First isn't always best. Unless you masturbate constantly then you may have figured out the whole ordeal before the sex part comes to play but who teaches their daughters to masturbate? Certainly not my mom and she was pretty cool about everything else... so now I say let's promote masturbation instead of the fairy tale first time lose your virginity to your white knight story. Forget what the books say.... girls just take care of that all by yourself! Wink Wink!

"If you want something done right... do it yourself"

Monday, March 21, 2011

Shhhhhh don't say it.

Why is it when a women openly talks about her vagina. Yes, I said it VAGINA! She is seemed to be crude. Men talk about their penis' all the time and no one thinks twice about it. Let a woman use the word and it automatically makes her a one step away from being a lesbian.
I have a vagina therefor I should be able to talk about it as much as I like. I'm not ashamed of it! That would be degrading to my gender. Vagina's are amazing! Grant it I am not sexually drawn to them but I am proud to have one. So if I say something clever like "I have a vagina, so I'm in charge" just laugh. Don't take it too seriously. I'm not knocking your penis or saying that vagina's are my new favorite thing.
Its just how often do women actually sit around and discuss vagina? Rarely. But why not? We have them, we use them why not talk about them?
I think the word makes men cringe. Most of my guy friends love the idea of vagina's but I don't think they care too much for the word. So if I mention it they automatically go on defense. I have no issue with your penis. I'll talk about it too if you'd like... tell me about your penis I'll tell you about my vagina and we'll move on. But the bigger deal you make of it the more I want to say it... vagina Vagina VAGINA!

"Vagina's may not be suitable for all people viewer discretion is advised."

Sunday, March 20, 2011

squeeze ........ hold ........ release

I cannot stress to you the importance of kegel exercises. That said...

Lies? Really....
Why is it that men (and women too but when we lie it's different right? ;)   ) feel the need to lie about such stupid things. When you lie you will get caught. Women are crazy. I will admit to it so you might as well too. We can find out anything we want to know with the help of our other crazy girl friends. We will do whatever it takes to find out the truth. So be honest. I would much rather you tell me what you think truthfully than to come up with some far fetched story or some cop out lame old and tired piss poor excuse that I obviously know isn't true. I am a big girl, I can handle the truth.
Now if it comes down to being balless own up. You made the problem man up! Grow a pair and do the right thing... whatever the "right" thing may be I'm sure doesn't include a lie.
So for all you guys with sick dogs this weekend I hope that they died, and that while trying to save them you were hit by a truck and that's the reason you never got around to telling me the truth. But in reality I know you were watching the UFC fight... GAME OVER!

Friday, March 18, 2011

I may have to pee on you... to mark what's mine.

I live a double standard. I go out on one date with a guy. If I don't like him he likes me and automatically thinks that he owns me and that no other person in the world should look at me. (Insert manly chest thump, a club hitting my head and being pulled by my hair back to a cave). I can not tolerate that type of behavior. Yes, I want a guy who wants to claim me as "his own" but after one date?!?!?
The reason my lady friends, that I lead a double standard is because after one date with a guy that I actually like I get all ruffled up over the idea that he could possibly be with someone else. The not knowing where he is and what he's doing and why he only text me once kills me. And as much as I want to club him over the head and drag him back to my cave I know that I can't. I know that one date does not make him mine anymore than one date makes me belong to the caveman.
The difference here is that I know I can't be crazy. Guy's love crazy in bed. They love crazy in taking chances. They do not love crazy as in psycho stalker. I know these limitations and I follow them accordingly. But guy's must not. Those guys that fall madly in love on the first date must not realize that I am totally and completely creeped out by the fact that he has picked out our children's names by mid-dinner. That the fact that he stares down another man for glancing my direction and gets mad at someone for talking to me is not acceptable behavior.
So why is it that I feel like I need to mark my territory? Why do I have that urge to claim what I feel SHOULD be mine immediately? Is it human nature or greed? Am I annoying like the guy's that try to claim me?
I know what you're thinking ladies... it's different when we do it. But it's not. If there isn't a label, if there isn't a title of what you and this man are... well then there are no strings attached. You are playing the game. You are part of the game whether you like it or not. So suck it up and play fair. If he texts you right away text back. If he waits you wait. Never make yourself too available to anyone. It makes you look desperate and needy and trust me (not only do I not want that for you) but NO guy wants that from you!

"All's fair in love and war... but love takes more mind control"

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Drank my Haterade....

Today in all honesty I want to man bash. I want to throw a fit and completely destroy all men. But I won't. I know that in a few days I'll be fine and move on but right now man has turned my world upside down. How do we let men get under our skin so easily. Why is it that even though we may not want them we still want them wanting us. And when we do want them what they're willing to give is never enough. We want more. Why? Simply because we want it all. All or nothing. Go big or go home!
When guys ask me what I want I immediately tell them "the world" and though it may seem impossible for someone to give me that. I want someone willing to go to the ends of the earth to try to make that possible for me. Someone who cares enough to try.
Break ups are never easy. The end of a relationship. The point where you go from lovers to strangers is reality at its cruelest. But what happens after the break up? What happens when you've cried all you can cry and you've spent too much time dwelling over what could have been? You pick up your own miserable pieces and put them back together. You find the you that's be lost in a relationship, break out that single girl and let her have some fun.
I suggest throwing away all your old panties and bras. I mean seriously nothing makes you feel sexier than new underwear and hopefully you'll get to show it off sooner rather than later. And ladies if you have any toys that you used it the past throw them away and get all new ones. Do not use them on the new guy that's just not ok.Burn everything that reminds you of him. Old pictures, ticket stubs and the other random odd things you kept for your time spent together. And last but not drink get your girl friends out for a night and drink and dance until you can't stand anymore...
 Date around and have fun. There's no sense jumping right into another relationship. And always get up everyday and make yourself look your best. You never know when you might run into someone who's eye you'll catch or someone you'd like to make jealous.  Be confident in who you are and the rest will follow.

"All the single ladies put your hands up!"

Monday, March 14, 2011

Sorry... Time's up. NEXT!

I am constantly being told that I do not give people a chance. That I don't allow someone enough time to prove that they're worthy of my time before booting them out of the car, ignoring their texts or rushing out of the restaurant, alone! Apparently people have never heard how important a first impression can be.
Chances are with me you're lucky to get through the first date let alone on to a second.I need something to make me come back for me! Is it because I'm picky? Well yes, I am absolutely. But then don't I have a right to be? Why should any of us settle for less than what we want or better yet deserve? (Though in my case want over comes deserve quite often.) What girl doesn't want butterflies in her stomach and that giddy feeling before going out. That moment when you wonder is he going to kiss me, the glance the look away the fidget with your keys moment when all you can think is "Just do it! You're driving me crazy" in that good way of course.
It's said that a girl knows in the first five minutes whether a man is going to be her friend or more. I would agree slightly with that statement. I have had guy friends who I fell head over heels for once I found out what jerks they were (I do love a guy that's a challenge) and I've had people I thought I could fall passionately into bed with just become my friend.
For me, if you don't kiss me on the first date there won't be a second. Because that kiss will ultimately make or break the deal. And it doesn't always have to be at the end of the date. Sometimes a surprise attack can swoop a girl off her feet... that's what we want! Just come in and charm the hell out of us!  Treat us like ladies, open doors, offer your jacket if we're cold and then take us home and .... depending on the girl the after shock may take different routes. All I'm saying is that it's worth the effort.
**** We are worth every ounce of effort any guy puts into us and it will be paid back to them in return.

"Lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets."

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'll have a tattooed, broke, emotionally unstable, jerk with a side of unobtainable...

We all have types. Sure occasionally we stray from what we crave to try out new ideas but are always swept back off our feet by the one's that get under our skin, the one's that get the blood pumping and the heart racing. When it comes to dating we're self destructive when it comes to the guy's we chose.
I have no shame in admitting my type. If there is a jobless, tattooed, emotionally retarded six foot something dark haired guy in the room out of a thousand guys I will find him or he will find me. I'm drawn to this guy. You could put me in a box full of nice guys with great jobs and the one who wasn't like them, without  even knowing would be the guy for me. I am fly paper for the jerk. Do I think I can change him? Do I honestly believe that I'm going to be the one girl he changes for? Am I just that stupid? Or is it simply that I love the challenge? Whatever it is I know it's unhealthy for me and I know "that" guy will break my heart into a million pieces and walk all over me if given the chance...  But sometimes I just can't resist.
For me, my type, is a guilty pleasure. I know he's not good for me. I know it's a bad idea. I know because I always repeat the same mistake and I should learn from my past.  However, how can you turn down that perfect idea when maybe just maybe it might be different... After all we shouldn't hold our past against our future. RIGHT?!?!?
I would love to date a nice guy in theory. But only in theory... I would love to allow that kind of promise of security, sanity and boredom into my life. But let's face it... chemically I'm not attracted to that. The chemistry for the nice guy isn't wired in me. Though I have tried to break my vicious cycle many times. Kudos to the nice guys but they just don't do it for me...
Hello I'm a Single Girl and I'm addicted to Bad Boys.

"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?"
"All the good girls are home with broken hearts..."

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Let the games begin...

Ladies, it's completely true that if a guy isn't chasing you, he's not interesting. Throwing yourself on him usually gets a one nighter and I will say that we all need those occasionally. If you're looking for long term though the guy you have to get drunk and stagger home with probably isn't going to be your white knight. How do I know this because I've been there. I've had that one night and then tortured myself about it later. Alcohol is not always a truth serum. Alcohol makes men say things that they one would never actually say and two not remember. Though who doesn't love being told they're beautiful and loved but an intoxicated man? Tell me everything I want to hear make me believe that I am the only girl in the room and the world that you want to be with for now and forever, but beware ladies the next day the story may change. And if it does you lived you learned. Don't hold yourself responsible or feel guilt. Face value? You both had a good time and move on. Don't facebook stalk him and constantly text him. Those things really do annoy guys. (My guy friends keep me in the loop with their crazy girl stories) We may not think it's crazy to want to talk to them immediately or post cute things on their facebook but they think its obsessive and a bit on the psycho side of the ward.
Let's not make ourselves so easy to catch. Supply and demand ladies. We are the supply, the easier we are to obtain the less demand there is for us. I'm not saying to be a tease or put off the idea that you're too good for any man. Just be subtle. Be flirtatious and keep him guessing. After all isn't that what they do to us?
"There are easier things than finding a good man, like nailing jelly to a tree."

Friday, March 11, 2011

And away we go...

First off let me say that any connection between my stories and your boyfriend or someone you know who knows someone you know is obviously just a coincidence. I do not know your guy friends; however, I do know the type of guys you know. We've all met them, loved them, dealt with them, laughed at them and lost them. I'm just here to shed some light on the situation. To break out and remind myself why it is that we continue to date and continue to put ourselves through awkward dinners, long casual conversations about our jobs, the weather and what we want out of life and then try to figure out who pays the bill. Let's not even discuss the first kiss at this point.  With nearly twelve years of dating under my belt I would claim to be an expert in the field. I've had great dates, horrible dates and dates I could write an entire book on. Which we will get to eventually.  I'm no man hater, as a matter of fact I love men. I love the look, smell and idea of men. They are completely interesting and confusing at the same time. So for now, I'll leave you with this quote.
 "It's hard to find a good man but it's good to find a hard man."