Being single again and not having much of a life has really got me realizing that my life is only interesting when I’m dating. I know that it isn’t always “fun” but it’s always funny. Well, it’s not funny at the time but we all get a nice laugh about it after it happens to me (and not to you). So, I sat down and went into my dating files. I named off everyone I could possibly think of that even so much as counted as possibly a date and then I remembered I had yet to tell about my date with Metal Plate Mac.
I met Mac on a website which is commonly used as a way to “meet people” outside your normal social network, a dating site if you will. In my profession I didn’t meet very many available men and all my friends were lacking in single male friends so I decided to give the online deal a try. As everyone always says “You just never know.” I wouldn’t say that I was desperate, because that would just seem so horrible that I can’t justify the concept of it; however, I was pretty much going on any date that was offered up at the time just to get out of my house and have some sort of social life.
Mac was upfront about not having a car that was “working” at the time so meeting him was out of the question. I ended up driving to pick him up nearly two hours away (sigh yes I know, how dumb can one Single Girl be?). He lived in the middle of nowhere at the end of a no way out street. As I pulled into his driveway I kept thinking “Single Girl go home, just go home now” but my stubborn side refused to let that happen. I was just nervous, I reassured myself. But then he came walking out of his house…
Though his profile claimed he was 6’ 2” he barely stood 5’ 5” and his blonde hair was barely there and red. A small extremely white guy with what he would consider “swagger”. Very nice photo shop work he had done for his profile, I must say. The person I saw was definitely not the person coming to my car. When he jumped into my passenger seat I noticed a scar line that came down to his eyebrow and went all the way back behind his ear. He must have obviously noticed that I had noticed it and let out a “Yep, had brain surgery, got a metal plate in my head.” How do you rationally respond to that? Inside I screamed but let out, “Oh….. I’m sorry to hear that.”
As I drove back towards the highway he motioned me to turn a different direction, my first reaction was to argue with him because I was not going to end up lost in some strange place stuck with him as my guide. He said “I just gotta pick something up, yo.” I sighed this was going to be horrible. As it turns out we ended up at a gas station where his mom worked. He needed to barrow money so he could pay for our “date”. I didn’t know whether to be thankful he went out of his way to ask his mom so he could pay or feel horrible for him that he went out of his way to ask his mom for money so he could pay. I immediately offered to pay for my own food and he said “A girl like you shouldn’t have to buy anything.” I laughed awkwardly and headed down the highway.
We ended up a casual sit down restaurant where I ordered something extremely simple, I don’t like to over complicate my order because it’s usually wrong, I just made sure to express my concern for NO pickles on my plate. He made a huge order, for such a “fun size” man-ish person he was apparently ready to feed an army. Just as we finished ordering our food he got a message on his phone from a friend saying “Wat up boy?” he laughed and responded “Nah, kid, just Mackin on some ho”. One the conversation other than completely being retarded was also rude. I made a reference to his lack of “game” and “no hoe’s in sight” and slunk down in my booth seat checking my phone impatiently. I still had to make it through a meal with this person and drive him back home.
So our food comes, he has no manners. I don’t mean manners of “please” and “thank you” (though he lacked those as well) but he chewed with his mouth open, talked with his mouth full and was a complete embarrassment as his “slang” made no sense to me what so ever and he was just loud and overly obnoxious. He slurped his shrimp and noodle dinner down faster than I could finish half of my burger. Luckily for him he didn’t have to wait on me because he had another meal sitting there waiting for him. Where I had made sure to order my burger WITHOUT pickle, stressing that point, he had not. I will say someone eating pickles is definitely not a deal breaker but I knew them sloshing around in his wide open mouth as he tried to talk through the food would be unbearable.
For my own sanity, I excused myself hoping to avoid the pickle attack and walked towards the restroom. One of the waiters stopped me and said “First date” and I replied “And last” He laughed and said “We can all tell, he’s horrible get rid of him as soon as you can.” I was right he really was as obnoxious as I had thought it wasn’t me being picky, it was him! This was who he was and I didn’t like him! I went back to my seat after taking a minute to breathe and compose myself.
He hadn’t finished the burger sadly and he said “So ya got a problem wit pickles?” And I replied “Yes, I think they’re horrid. Completely disgusting the idea of them alone makes me ill.” He laughed and moved onto my side of the booth, it was then I noticed the pickle in his hand. He held it up. I leaned as far into the wall as I could go “Get it away from me, I’m warning you, this is not funny!” He kept getting closer and closer until he put the pickle on my arm and that was it, I snapped and I punched him in his face and kicked him off my booth seat. Everyone around us fell silent. I got up and walked out. A few minutes later he walked out as well and still thought this was funny. He kept pressing the issue and I kept getting madder. The madder I got the more he laughed until finally I hit him again this time in his head, in his balding metal plate head. In doing so I apparently hurt his metal plate, which I found out still gave him issues with pain.
I drove him back out to nowhere, where I insisted he take my money for my meal, which he would not because he jumped out of my car and said “Girl I can’t wait to see yo ass again!” And he skipped off to his door like a child. Had the fact that I hit him twice in the last two hours meant nothing to him? Was it normal for him to be beaten on dates? Why would he think that our date went well? I was confused and appalled that apparently there was big misunderstanding that our date would lead to a second one. I drove away back towards the highway for the two hour drive home in shock at how someone could be on such a completely different level and not realize how horrible this day had been. Within moments of getting on the highway he sent me a text...
“Next time I’ll wear my helmet.”