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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Hang up the "Good girl" cape and strap on something modern...




All my life I’ve been a good girl. Immediately the pop song “What the hell” jumps into my head and the lyrics “All my life I’ve been good but now I’m thinking what the hell. All I want is to mess around!”

 I held on to my virginity until I was nearly 19 years old. I was raised to believe it was something to hold on to and save for the “right” person. I waited until I found the guy I thought I would “love” forever and while that lasted six years of my life it came to an end. After letting go of my “V” card I still tried to save every sexual experience (minus one or two) for people that I legitimately cared about.

Now the only thing on my mind is that I could have wasted valuable years of having sex. I could have been bed hopping making memories good and bad that I would look back on years from now and think “Ah the good old days of being young and having fun”.  But I’m not getting any younger!   What has this life of being a prude gotten me?

I have guarded my vagina like Fort Knox, no one is getting in there without references and identification but now I wonder why.  My clever Mother tried to tell me that a good guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl who has been around the block so many times or that “gives it up right away” and that may be true in some cases. Even though when I asked her about it she was stumped and had to think extremely hard about a good reason to discourage me from becoming a 30 year old sexual prowess.

I’ve held out on people and also lost their interest. A person can judge me by number of sexual experiences and lose interest.  Right or wrong a person losing interest in me can go either way. Nothing I do is going to make every guy happy. If I revirginize myself and take cold showers every day where will that get me? On the other hand, experiencing more has many positives and very few negatives. Is it time to hang my good girl cape up and strap on something a little more modern?

I’m 30 and I have a small number but what do I have to show for it? There isn’t an award for low sexual partners and I’ve turned down what could have been amazing sex or at least a good blog for what? Eventually I will reach the age where I won’t be chased by multiple guys and I won’t have daily opportunities to have sex. Will I look back and feel like I missed out on my own sexual revolution? Will I feel that I passed up chances and experiences and feel a void where my promiscuous behavior should have been?

Maybe it isn’t too late;  I’ve always heard a woman’s sexual peak starts at 30….

“When I’m good I’ very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.” Mae West
 
 

Monday, March 18, 2013

I was such a girl.... OMG

Tonight I was a girl. Though as strange as that may seem I pride myself in being a little like the typical female as possible. All the typical female parts are into play but normally I find myself geared towards the opposite of shoe shopping, over expensive makeup and clothes that have labels I can’t pronounce let alone own. I don’t giggle and I will not act stupid to please you.
I spent my night, treating my damaged hair,  watching love triangle and romance movies- which never happens and if you tell I will hunt you down and recreate a scene from one of the many gore infested films I normally watch. I was reminded almost immediately why I don’t watch those movies. They make my life seem even more like shit and worthless than the typical day. Ladies it’s torture, just watch scary movies. Everyone dies especially the lovers!
I also took time to deep condition my hair and some other beauty regimens. I have spent my nights and weekends selling porn, adult toys, Hustler apparel and lingerie and sex to the masses. And yet I’m not getting any at all. My “Hustler” game is fantastic; too bad I’m not getting any sex. It’s a common misconception that people working around porn and sex toys have sex all the time. Most of us…. Are sexually frustrated… So if you have questions about great products I can help and will give you and honest opinion.
But I catch myself wandering back to the past. Did I live there in comfort, have I ever really loved anyone or am I simply passing the time until I can’t take dating any more.
I often wonder what makes me who I am, how do I become this person that leads a very dull and void existence. At times I want that girlie life, I want to curl up on the couch and watch movies and just be completely comfortable. I used to believe that comfort was enough. That simply being content in a relationship would stand the test of time and I was young and na├»ve. I honestly believed, you found someone worth tolerating and that was good “enough”.
I despise that ‘good enough’ comment I have sense grown into a mature idea of what a relationship should be but I just don’t think it’s for me. I am not heartless I just choose to use my heart less. Call me evil, cynical, soulless, jaded and so be it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me in my life, for good or bad, I am who I am.  And people are probably better off without me. I bare my soul to save yours……
How many times have I pushed people away, turned my back walked away and burned a bridge? How many times have I hurt people because I could? I will hurt you, I will do it over again and sometimes I honestly won’t mean too but there will be times that I mean to puncture through your heart. Is it a control thing? Is it simply my crazy coming out? Words can destroy a person if they only slightly care, imagine what it can do for someone who’s fallen. I am not worthy. Do not give me such power.
I don’t let go of the past. It is my ultimate downfall. I will not let go of anger, resentment and I will hold that grudge that you probably have assumed I had forgotten about. Just know that when you need me, I probably won’t be there. I won’t come running to your rescue. I am not a savior and I am definitely not a saint. I will probably bring you down




Saturday, January 12, 2013

Things I know are true...


There isn’t much in our crazy world that I know to be true, bad dates, funky smelling sex and bad teeth are a few of those things. I'm quite the fly paper for the challenged; however, I am a thinker as well and I question things on a daily basis. Right and wrong under the right circumstances can switch sides. There is so much black and white in this world but I find many shades of gray (way more than fifty for those of you who thought that) in the middle that seem unclear but here are the things that I know to be true.

1.       Strangers you pass by on the street can be nicer to you in that moment than friends you’ve known your whole life.

2.       A dollar you earn is much better than money you are given.

3.       Money you spend on others is better than money stored in a bank.

4.       A smile really is universal.

5.       You can’t make anyone love you no matter how many time you move the stars, alter time and change the world. If they really love you back, you won’t HAVE to do those things but when you do they won’t go unnoticed.

Never under estimate the kindness of a stranger. Sometimes they can be the person that makes your day, turns your life around and gets you back on track. I have ran into someone multiple times and I do not know his name and he does not know mine but he is up lifting and always has a smile on his face and greets me kindly. He talks to me about the goodness in people and how we tend to focus on the bad. He smiles, laughs, makes friendly conversation and that is that. I have friends I’ve known for years who I haven’t had such nice conversations with. 

I never thought I would say it but it really is true, when you work for something the reward is that much greater. Knowing that I did it alone that I managed to earn money instead of having it handed to me makes me feel like I contribute.  There are days when I hate work. There are days when I say “I should have been born rich.” However, the struggle has made me who I am today making me appreciate my earnings that much more.

I was raised to help others. If I have five dollars in my pocket and you need six, I’ll give you the five and try my best to get the other dollar you need, even if I scrape my change together and that’s the last bit of money I have I will help you. I can’t take it with me when I die and maybe you need it much more than I do and maybe just maybe someone will be kind enough to do the same for me one day if I find myself in need.

Awhile back while trying to offer help to a group of people from Japan with a major language barrier between us I remember trying my best to talk to them. They hardly understood a word if any that I said and yet I kept trying. But each time I smiled they smiled back. Each time they smiled I returned the smile. And when they were ready to leave the all turned to me and smiled, bowed and left.  They understood that I was friendly but couldn’t understand my words. They understood that I was kind and wanted to help simply because I smiled. The saying is true; always smile because you never know who could be falling in love with it.

“I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you!” and in the end Sarah still doesn’t love the Goblin King. You can drive yourself crazy trying to make someone love you in return. You can go to the ends of the Earth, move mountains and carry their load on the weight of your shoulders and it won’t matter at all because they can’t force themselves to love you. Love is uncontrollable and often unkind. It makes the rich beg and the good turn bad, and as many times as I can say “I love you” as many ways I can show “I love you” it will not matter if you don’t love me. The best one can hope for is that you get the chance to tell someone how you feel, hope they feel the same; however, if they do not at least they know. You were brave enough, strong enough and open enough to tell them.

 Now let them go. You won’t stop loving them, that often never goes away but you can’t hold on to someone who was never yours to begin with. Let them go and if you fall to pieces simply pick them up and force that smile that someone, somewhere will fall madly in love with.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Girls you should never date... and I mean EVER!

I slammed a lot of men when I gave women the idea of the type of guys to avoid along with all males named Josh! Now it’s time to shed some light on the girls… Single girls you don’t want to mess with!
I hope you don’t make the list; however, if you do it’s time to evaluate yourself.

1.       The social status girl, she’s constantly dating up. Which means for the moment you’d be number one but you can only be top dog for so long. She will use you up and move on to a guy who can give her more, do it better or the new ‘it’ guy in town. Sometimes this girl is a gold digger; however, status isn’t always about money. Tell her you’re a small fish in a big pond and then look at the other fish in the sea!

2.       The cheating girl, chances are if she cheats on her boyfriend/husband with you, she’ll turn around and do the same thing to you, once she gets bored with you. The cheater usually can’t be satisfied by one person. So, if you get to thinking you’re her only one she may have other news that you’re definitely not the last one for her! Come on guy when you said “Guess who”, she called you three names before she got it right!

3.       The crying girl, she’s overly emotional and sensitive. She will cry during every Disney movie (including the newly owned Star Wars) which means when you try to joke around with her, she will take it offensively. Your friends will not be welcomed because she can’t handle their sarcastic nature and you’re left with a whiney girl that none of your guy friends can stand to be around. Give her a box of tissues and move on.

4.       The Identity Girl, she has no idea who she is so she becomes everything you are. A social sponge, your favorite teams, cars, and foods this girl will slowly become everything you are. And while at first it might be nice that she enjoys doing everything you do or liking everything you like it will quickly become old. She’s known as a “yes” girl simply because she can’t hold her own opinion. I’m sorry in your matching jerseys, hats and shoes I couldn’t tell who was wearing the pants!

5.       The Daddy’s girl, there is only one man who can do everything she asks and more and it’s Daddy! You are never going to match or live up to her expectations of her father. And while you’re trying to date her, you realize it’s more like having a child. She whines when she doesn’t get her way, tries to pout and speaks in a squeaky annoying baby gibberish voice. And that’s when you realize, you’ve become a foster parent to the girl you’ve been trying so desperately to get into her pants. When she says she wants to call you Daddy it definitely isn’t sexual.

6.       The On the Clock girl, she has a timeline for how her life is going to turn out. Married by 25, cute house by 28 and children by 30. One boy and a set of girl twins, let’s not forget the dog… ok when I said dog I meant purse decoration. Any frilly tiny yappy dog will do, say good bye to your man hood when you’re walking your tea cup yorkie on a hot pick leopard print leash with a rhinestone collar. Yes, you have been neutered.

7.       The Bisexual girl, she’s stingy and doesn’t know what she really wants. Sure it sounds great that she’ll be into girl with you; however, it won’t work in your favor that they both end up in bed with you. You’ll be the third wheel in your own relationship whether it’s another guy or a girl will totally depend on her desperate attempt for attention.

8.       The clingy girl, say goodbye to all your buddies once you start dating her, you’ll never see them again. Why? She WILL become your new best friend and be involved in everything and anything that you do. Your work is hiring great now you really can spend all day together and night. You’ll never be alone again! EVER!

9.       The lack of list girl, she can’t remember all the people she has had sex with name’s let alone the number of people who are on that list. Sure she’s had a threesome, foursome and a gang bang and she wonders ‘who hasn’t?’ She’s been ran through more times than a train tunnel and chances are with her lack of memory she probably also forgot to use a condom, take birth control or let you in on her STD secret!




10.   The Ex girl friend, chances are she freaked out on your friend at some point and you had to pick your buddies side. Repeating your past isn’t a great idea neither is repeating your friend’s past mistake. If she’s a well known ex to your friend, the past will end up coming right back up. When the things she used to do to your friend or the comparison of your performance to your friend’s comes up. You know you want her to say you’re better than your friend but what happens when she pauses to think about it… “well……………ummmmmmmmmm” Immediately you’re now insecure about your own ability and jealous of your friend.  
11. The athlete girl, she's faster than you, bigger than you and could easily take your legs out with one hit to the knee cap. She's a body builder, that works out and goes big or goes home! Put your tail between your legs and run from her, do not make eye contact, any indication of fear will make her  attack.

Obviously all girls are crazy slightly it’s in our DNA. I am slightly crazy. I have girl tendencies as well, but when those girl traits become over whelming it’s time to set the girl free and move on. So, I'll leave crazies off the top ten because you all know that girl. She’ll keep calling, she’ll keep texting and she probably won’t take the hint that it’s over until you have to be a jerk. True crazy girls will show their true colors almost immediately.
Stupid girls also should be avoided but not everyone can be a genius. 
If you eep an eye out for the top ten you should survive dating and if the radar goes off, well you better run!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Lovers and loveless and clueless


Hello Lover!

I say that because I have a lot to cover and very much like “Sex in the City” I am sitting here in my tank top and boy shorts typing away about my life to strangers. My way is more comfortable I’m in my bed pillows all around me and I couldn’t think of another place I’d rather be. So, let’s dish some dirt shall we?

1.       The Go for it clause:

If you can look beyond a person’s flaws and think “wow this guy really likes me”, go for it. Take the chance, dive from the top of the cliff and fall ever happily ever after in love. Dream the dream ladies and gents go the distance; however, if that little voice inside your head says this may be too good to be true, take heed and don’t beat yourself up over it. Your heart was in the right place, his was not. And you are beautiful and destined for greatness and all the love in the world. It may not come in the form you wish, but go easy on your heart, she’s taken a beating but each and every day she keeps you going. Feel it, love it, live it. Love life and enjoy whatever the little things are and the big things, All the things you over look. Slow dance. Hold hands. And appreciate those people who have never turned their back on you. Trust and then love, for you can always love the one you trust, but cannot always trust the one you love.

2.       The Heart:

Time heals nothing. Old love scars and bitter hearts are molding and breaking and trying to survive. We learn to live without people just as we learn to live with new people. If they’re not in your life anymore, either you made that bold brave move or they did it for you and you no matter how lonely you get are better off without them. You are more than you could ever imagine. Let your heart heal, let your heart mend, scars remain but they are reminders of who you were and where you’ve come from. They are showing you the right direction of where you want to be.

3.       Homeless men:

I know it sounds crazy but if you’re in the need for a date desperately, consider a homeless man. Shop Good will clothes, a hot LONG shower with soap and shampoo and he’s cleaned up and ready to impress.  Make sure he doesn’t want to live with you though. And obviously ladies or gentlemen this date is obviously on you. Last I checked the rule “who ever paid gets laid” is not longer an official dating rule. This all depends on the players I assume. (Yes, a homeless  man asked if he could live with me in exchange he would be my boyfriend if it was necessary… how thoughtful.)

4.       The storm:

I run from it. I hide from it. Until I have to face it. Sadly, no matter how many times I change my hair, buy new clothes, new makeup, and road trip, and get away, avoiding sleep. Not a single thing can keep me from my own demons. The storm is coming and it’s a battle I face every day. When you dance with the devil, the devil don’t change. The devil changes you.  You’ve got to deal with your demons before your demons deal with you. Stand up and face them. No amount of running can make your problems go away and there isn’t a hairstyle in the world that can change your entire outlook on life.

5.       Struggle:

It’s going to happen, rise above or sink below. Sometimes you’re a swan perfect on the open water. Everyone envies you, everyone loves you and they don’t see how much you struggle and kick your feet under the water to get around to survive and to keep on going. Hold on to that fight in you. Paddle furiously underneath, because sometimes you have to make it all alone.

 

6.       Emtpy:

Have you ever felt completely alone in a room full of people and yet found solace in an empty room? Can you stand the thoughts inside your head long enough to be alone or do you need that room of people to distract you? I’ve never felt more alone than the day I stood in a room full of my friends.

7.       Why not me? What’s wrong with me?

I am constantly battling with the idea that something is wrong with me.  For instance, in all my life and sexual experience (which is limited believe or not) I have only offered to have sex with two people that I was not completely crushing mad head over heels thought I’d be with them forever relationship. Both of them turned me down. And though by no fault of their own I somehow blame myself or think that I wasn’t good enough. I need to stop my labeling. I need to realize that some people want skittles and some people want M&M’s and I’m Rainbow Twizzlers. I’m just not made for everyone; I don’t fit the mold “everyone’s type”. So why do I beat myself up when I’m turned down? Is it because I’ve been forced to believe that I should fit into the man created sexy image? Maybe it is, and I know it gets to us when we see it plastered all over magazines, books, and movies and even in art. But what does beauty define? Who decides what is beautiful? We do, we set the trends, we compare ourselves, let’s stop it. Who defines beauty, we do because we are.

 

A man will lie to your face when he is himself, give him a mask and he’ll tell you everything you want to know. Which masks are you wearing and which ones do you need to remove

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Great insight and brutally honest!


I’ve realized here lately that older men are great resources to the way men think. They don’t sugar coat anything, I know two especially that are in my life (through work) and love to give me insight into other men. They have both been in the military; both paid their dues (by getting married and having kids) and have lived the rest of their lives single and dating. Here’s what they shared with me:

1.       Men don’t want women who are always thinking of the future. Live in the now. Translation: “All of you girls who have your wedding planned out; keep it to yourself. Men don’t want to hear how you have planned their entire lives for them. Chances are they haven’t thought about what they’re going to eat in two hours let alone what the names of all the future children will be and what colors you think compliment your eyes for the center pieces on the tables.”

2.       We do guy stuff; we have time when it’s just us and our friends. Translation: “When I’m with my guy friends, don’t text me and call me a million times. Either I’m not going to answer or I’m not going to say what you want me to say, I’m with my friends, find your own and do something!”

3.       I like things the way I like them; I don’t want anyone to mess that up. Translation: “My house, my car, my garage my things may be a mess to you but that’s my mess and I’m not asking you or anyone else to fix it. Don’t move my things around, don’t try to organize and just accept it.”

4.       Your sneaky woman tricks don’t work; we know what you’re doing. Translation: “Don’t move your things into my house slowly; keep your shit at your house. If I haven’t invited you to bring a toothbrush then don’t. If I do invite you to bring a toothbrush, that’s all you can bring all that extra stuff in your “get ready” bag isn’t on the list. Take it back home. Also, don’t buy me things to ‘leave at your place, just in case’ I’m not moving in with you either. Don’t try to sneak me into your house by buying all my supplies thinking this will trick me into never leaving you. I’m smarter than that!”

5.       I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I’m upfront with you, it’s not a line it’s the truth. Translation: “When I say I don’t want anything to do with your children, I mean it. I won’t change my mind. If I say I’m not looking for a girlfriend, that’s not a secret code for you can change my mind. If I say I don’t want to spend the night, that isn’t a cue for you to start begging me. You can’t get mad at me later in the relationship, when you realize that I’m not going to marry you, take care of your kids, spend the night or even make you my girlfriend. You were warned early on”

6.       I may be old but I’m not blind. Translation: “We’re men, we are going to look. Don’t take that as we hate you, we think you’re fat or some other crazy woman thought. In reality that girl probably wouldn’t give us the time of day. Just don’t jump down our throat if we’re good to you and only look.”

7.       There’s a time to let go. Translation: “If we went out and you never hear from me again, or I suddenly stop talking to you, let it go. Texting and calling me twenty or more times a day isn’t going to change that. Hell, three times isn’t going to change that. It may be wrong but I’m done and I’m moving on. So should you.  If I’m not replying and you keep trying, you look pathetic and I’m considering loading my gun before bed.”

8.       This ain’t the old days. Translation: “Now a days you women work too. It’s not right we pay all the time. I’m not saying that you just go spend all your money on men all the time. But if we’ve gone out a few times, it’s nice if you offer to pay. I may not let you and maybe I spent a little too much on my truck and will let you. Who knows? The point is, it’s nice of you just to offer, so we know right away whether you just want our wallet or not.”

9.       Let me be a man! Translation:  “If something’s broke let me try to fix it. Don’t tell me how to do it, why to do it or when to do it. I’ll get to it. If I can’t do it, let me talk to a friend. He might be able to do it. Don’t just assume I can’t do anything and call someone. The last resort is calling someone and chances are I have a buddy who can fix it for half price. So let me take care of that. Stepping on my man toes only pisses me off. Then I’ll never offer to help you again.”

10.   There are a lot of things that come before you. Translation: “My dog has been with me for years, he’s not going anywhere. My truck gets washed every Sunday and waxed shortly after, I like doing that. I meet with the boys a few nights a week. I don’t want to change that. I see my family often, you may be invited you may not be invited but I’m still going to do those things. The thing is, if we are ever to become anything you need to quit trying to change who I am. That’s not going to happen, you liked me enough to start talking to me, why do ya wanna change me now?”

Sunday, June 10, 2012

It must be a marine thing…


As I read a copy of, The 21st Century’s Guide to Casual Sex,  began thinking how guilty women are of doing some of the exact same behavior as described in the book. No I won’t go into sorted details because I actually want you to read it. But I will say this, as women we are just as bad as men when it comes to using the opposite sex.

As women the use of men may be in different ways, using someone doesn’t always have to mean sexually. Some use men to fill a the void of not getting attention from men in their lives, others prefer their money or lavish gifts and more often than not a woman will take a million compliments from a man she has no interest in simply because he is willing to tell her what she wants to hear. No woman can dispute the fact that sometimes we use them for our own selfish reasons. Yet, we continuously hate on men for using us, is because their needs of using us differ from our own?

You may remember that I wrote about having the horrible sex with the man in the Christmas boxers, if I didn’t tell you then I’m telling you now, he was a marine.  What does it matter, at the time I didn’t think it did. What does one military service have over another? I have no idea, though they will tell you (in any branch) that one is obviously more superior than the other, coming back to that whole whose penis is bigger macho argument. When I would say a penis is a penis, you both have one get over it. That’s how I felt about the military; you all serve the same country, you all are wonderful services to the American people now let’s move on. However, after I met Man and went out with him not once, not twice but three times I would have to say that Marines are now at the bottom of my list, holding a very close second the Navy for obvious past relationship reasons.

The sad part of this situation is that I don’t even remember Man’s name. And the only clever nick name I could give him was “Man” and simply because he had a pet dog that he referred to as “Dog” so it seems suitable to refer to him as “Man”. I remember he had amazing blue eyes and was a very smooth talker. He reminded me slightly of someone I once loved so I really and I mean REALLY tried to like him. After all he did make it past one date. That’s got to count for something.

Well Man was as I said an active Marine, made decent money as shown by his material items and the way he dressed and smelled (nothing better than a man who smells good, he can be a bum as long as he smells good instant bonus points). He was also a gentleman in public opening not only doors to the buildings for me but my car door as well as I slid down into his Audi TT. He would hold out his hand as he opened the car door to help me out and then even walk hand in hand with me into the fancy dinning places we always ended up. He had game or he really liked me, but there was something that I was lacking. There was something that I couldn’t figure out on dates one or two. Why after having decent dates and intelligent conversation couldn’t I like “Man”. I sought advice from every friend I had: female, male, lesbian, gay it didn’t matter they all said the same thing “There’s no chemistry, Single girl get over it and move on.”

But I wanted there to be chemistry. I wanted to like Man because he was good to me, he treated me well and he was pretty awesome standing next to. Arm and arm I’d say we could have been a power couple and taken on the world but when it came to sparks and butterflies I couldn’t find them. The things that he did that I enjoyed couldn’t compare to the things men that I had loved without all the money without all the materialistic possessions and flashy dining did for me. So I had two choices, I could be upfront with Man and tell him he was amazing and I knew a million girls that would kill to be with him or I could have sex with him and hope to find that attraction that I was missing.  Think, think, think… what’s a single girl to do?

My logic who really believes those speeches about being awesome and anyone being lucky to have you… and after all before you decide to buy a car you test drive it to make sure you like it and if you’re still unsure maybe you take it  around one more block, right? Logically, Single girl isn’t always right. But just like men, we do things that are irrational and may look a lot like “using” from the outside. I wouldn’t call it that, more like a match. If a match doesn’t light up on fire the first time you try again, second time you try again and third time well you hope you get a spark. Man was my match and I was looking for fire. And as we all know when you play with fire you’re going to get burned.

After another wonderful spark-less date, Man came back to my house and he picked a movie for us to watch on Netflix. (Which I have to add, that I truly from the bottom of my heart do LOVE my Netflix. See how easily we toss the word love around…) I think he chose the original Night of the Living Dead or something along that nature. For normal people that may not have been the right setting for anything sexual but I’m not typical I love horror movies and I had seen it before, winning!

On my couch Man sat with me as I snuggled up to him, I was going to have to make the first move. Oh, what’s this? Man may be a gentle man outside but when it came time to get down to business he knew exactly what buttons to push. So, I’m thinking this is going to work out perfectly. Through the house we go and make it into my bedroom. I played the victim “We shouldn’t be doing this.” and “We need to wait.” Men like to think they’re able to seduce us, it’s a powerful thing to encourage someone to have sex with you when they’re trying so hard not to. But in my mind I was like ok let’s get this on. Let’s go Man show me what you’ve got. He wasn’t using me, I was using him.

The sex was a complete failure, I faked it to be done (because he wanted to make sure that I came and enjoyed myself before he did) and then it happened. He came, the flood gates opened and it was a torrential down poor. Then something hit me, the smell was terrible. His spunk and all its fury smelled like something dying, something that I cannot even begin to describe. Death and garbage filled my room and I immediately hopped up to head to bathroom to clean myself off. I was disturbed and disgusted what in the hell had just happened how could and odor so bad come from a man who during normal day smelled so good?  I showered I had to get it away I had to make the smell stop.

After a thorough scrubbing I went back to my bedroom and the smell lingered. He lay there in my bed and apparently had no intention of leaving. I stumbled around what to say and asked him if he had to work in the morning (knowing very well that he did in fact have to report about 0700. He asked me to set my alarm for him. Think quick single girl think quick…..

“Since you have to be up so early… why don’t you take a shower so you won’t have to get up earlier?” One of two things are going to happen, he’s going to say no politely leave or he’s going to shower and I can de-funk my bed. Of course he chose to shower. I spent that short ten minutes disinfecting my entire room. Thank God for Lysol! When I say everything I mean everything I sprayed my bed, sheets, pillows and anything near my bed that could have been contaminated.  He came back, curled up next to me and I cringed. He didn’t smell, the room didn’t smell but once you smell something so terrible it’s stuck in your nose forever. I didn’t sleep well. Off and on I would wake up and still find Man completely content curled up to me in bed.

When my alarm went off for him, I expected a nice goodbye I’ll talk to you later, have a great day at work. What did I get?  

“Single girl, I’ve got time to kill how about another go at it?”

Single girl got morning sex. And even after two completely clean bodies the smell returned. He kissed me goodbye and I began my ritual of showering until my skin fell off. This time I threw my sheets away. Sprayed Lysol on my mattress and my entire room once again, then never returned a text from him.

How do you tell a guy I can’t date you because your sperm makes me want to throw up? What would you say if someone said “Your spunk is funky!”

I can only be thankful for one thing, that I didn’t take the south route,( which I normally enjoy) before going straight into having sex.

Two marines, two bad sexually experiences? It can’t be a coincidence, it must be a Marine thing.

*side note I just remembered his name ( I felt bad for a minute…)