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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Those who can't do.... Teach! (Yeah I dated my teacher...)

"Talk to me. Tell me. Tell me you're my good girl."

A strange way to begin but we have to start somewhere. It's been said that those who can't do, teach. How exactly that fits into my situation will determine your interpretation. It's true. I dated my teacher. Don't worry he isn't a pedophile. When he was teaching me I was 15 or 16 years old. It wasn't until many years later about 11 or more that I actually dated him. (No that is not his picture, you know I keep everyone safe!)

I remember sitting in his class. Thinking how intelligent and clever he was. He was young black hair tall with blue eyes. At my age I hung on his every word. Everything he said seemed completely important and I thought he would be the man who would and could change the world, definitely, for the better. He was my school age crush. Sure I had boys my age that I had crushes on. But I was in awe of him. I remember in great detail nearly everything he said, taught and the way he would pace back and forth when he would be passionate about whatever it was he was lecturing on.

He seemed perfect. I even think he married his high school sweet heart and together they had children, the house, the dog and the perfect life or so one would think. It wasn't until he came back into my life that I began to actually know who he was.

Now divorced, sexually repressed by a wife who put the Bible in place of her bedroom activity, he was jaded. Not the brilliant man I remembered. His hair now that salt and pepper coloring but still intelligent. Still bright blue eyes but yet he no longer seemed to be able to change the world. It was I who challenged him to at least start changing his students. To at least make a difference in their lives that way he had mine so long ago.  Whatever life had done to him, had took the life out of him somehow.

I enjoyed his intelligence. I was happy having intelligent conversation and could not only debate but share ideas on education and my thoughts for now how I would change the world. Which were eagerly dismissed, I didn't understand teaching, I didn't understand teaching to test. That didn't bother me.  It challenged me.  And though he thought my ideas were radical I still enjoyed the witty banter that occurred. It's sometimes hard to match wits with someone.

Though I welcomed his knowledge and the idea of a brilliant mind being able to converse with me, he looked at me as a young girl who would be able to help with the outlet of his years of sexual oppression.  Though he would deny that wasn't the case, the conversations became less intelligent and more sexual.  Was I interested in him? Absolutely, however I am a good girl and going that route and trying to pressure me into anything was not going to work. I was not the young impressionable high school girl day dreaming any longer.  

Call me crazy. But I am not a "talker". I do not talk about my feelings openly, my problems and I especially do not talk dirty. It's just not my thing. On one particular event I remember him asking me "Did you ever think you would be here kissing me?"  Was this a god like complex or a serious question. No I honestly didn't consider that it would happen but to bring it up now seems a bit inappropriate. If I would have asked him the same question, it would have been perverse seeing how I was a child when he knew me.

I think my rules when fooling around or making out whatever you want to call it, mouths should be used for other things and not for talking. So shut up and get to it. Not in this case. If the rules applied there would be no blog. And so let the make out conversation begin...

*Talk to me.

(long pause... )

me: What do I say?

*Talk dirty to me?

( In thought: Rain makes mud puddles.) Try to avoid it and kiss again. Nope

*Talk to me. Tell me you're a good girl.

me: Um I'm a good girl.

*Tell me you're my good girl.

(In thought: Seriously... so uncomfortable.)

*It gets easier the more you do it. Just talk to me.

Try to avoid it again. Nope

*Tell me. Say it.

(Seriously uncomfortable)

me: I'm just not good at talking it's not my thing.

*Come on. Tell me. Say you're my good girl.

All this talking and we weren't even doing anything but kissing. So every time he stopped to talk I lay there in the dark completely numb. I had no interest. This whole talking wasn't doing anything for me at all. I didn't like it and I felt stupid. And then he said...

*Tell me you're a good girl who will take care of her man. Tell me you're my good girl and you're going to take care of me the way a good girl should.

Oh my god! Am I a child? I feel like I should be in piggy tails with catholic school girl uniform on in some bad porn. I am not YOUR anything. I do not get off on conversation during kissing. I do not want to talk. Either kiss me or shut up and go to sleep something. But stop talking to me.

*Tell me you want to fuck me.

As if my silence was not point enough that I didn't feel like talking. That I didn't find it sexy. That I did not want to do it. That I did not get turned on by listening to him talk. Did it stop of course not! Nothing goes my way. And he continued on and on...

Years ago I hung on his every word. Now all I wanted him to do was stop talking.

 But as he would say he liked me for my mind. He liked me because I was intelligent. He liked me because I was "cute".  When it comes down to it, he liked me because I was everything his wife wasn't and he thought that I would be a ticket to his ultimate fantasies played out over and over.  I was his ticket out of middle aged man and back to his youth that was deprived by his wife and family. I would be his second chance to do all the things he couldn't with his wife. All the things she refused to do. I was his ticket to paradise.

Too bad, he wasn't mine.  I will be anything for the right person. But I will not be used and mislead by the wrong ones with fancy words and false promises.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

What beautiful eyes you have and what um... teeth ewwwww!

While having a conversation with a friend of mine he brought up a very valid point. Maybe it isn't the type of men I date, maybe it's the type of men I set out and attract. At first I found this absurd. After all how could I be sending off signals to date such horrible men?  Men who jack off on my shirt, men who only need their nipples do get off and of course the men who graciously share pictures of their penis' with me? No one wants those men and yet they seem to find me. Or... do I find them?

I, Single girl, happen to be a very good girl. I have morals and values and even standards that some people can't even define. I have a very clear image of what I want and yet I settle for so much less.

 It wasn't until a few months later that I was having a conversation with my therapist that I realized I do set myself up for a damaging plot. However, in my defense they make amazing stories to share and the readers demand a good story!  I will gladly set myself up for failure for your entertainment of course, but how healthy can that be for me? Not that I'm selfish but come on. Is that sane?

Why on earth would anyone set themselves up for failure after failure? Why would I set my radar for expectations that are so low that most rocks and brick walls can live up to them? It all boils down to my own self worth. How I view myself. And believe it or not ladies and gentlemen and the creepy ones who stalk me, I have a very low opinion of myself.

I talk a big game, it's true. For it's much easier to pretend to be completely amazed by yourself and your own awesomeness, than to show everyone how completely vile you feel you are. If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anyone else? Or have anyone love you for who you are?

It's completely possible that I have dated a few normal guys. Normal being a standard term used for people not necessarily blog worthy due to their lack of originality. And believe it or not some of them have complained they have not been blogged about. However, being in my blog doesn't make you honorable. In my blogs you should take the walk of shame! Sure there are one's that may have had some weird quirks about them and one day I'm sure I will blog about them as well. But for now it's too soon.

For now, let me leave you with a quickie dating story. That's what we've all come here for anyways a good story. So here goes:

I had found Mr. Perfect. Handsome, tall, charming, sweet, thoughtful, sarcastic and clever enough not to make him a wimp, a beautiful man who bordered rugged man verses model. His pictures had a serious smirk to them, bedroom blue eyes that stared right into you! He had all the things that I thought I wanted in a person. He worked which was a big step up for me. He had two cars, a house, a garage, pets and no children.

He was a few years older than me, well established in his career and loved his mother dearly. They say a man who loves his mother and treats her well with do the same for you.  I find this border line, luckily he was anything but a momma's boy. After weeks of talking to him and his wonderful manly phone voice we set a date for dinner and a movie. Typical slightly, however, I will take typical when Mr. Perfect comes along.

He pulled up in my drive way (yes I actually let him pick me up) and he stepped out of his car and I opened the door to see this handsome man walking towards me and I swear for a moment I forgot to breathe and then it happened.... all was ruined.

He smiled.

My heart sank and I became sick. He barely had teeth! What teeth he did have were nearly filled or grinded down to numbs. They were brown and tainted by lack of hygiene or gum disease possible both. I couldn't look at him, because all I could see, his entire face became his teeth. His mouth moved awkwardly as he spoke and his teeth so small they barely touched top to bottom, making his jaw lay crooked.  

As he spoke, when he laughed, while he ate, I couldn't focus on anything but how poor his teeth were kept. How vile and disgusting they were, what little he had left of them. This is why he never smiled. This was the reason for his serious smirk pictures! Why hadn't I have thought to ask about his teeth?

Is that something you should have to ask someone? Show me your teeth? Let me see your dental records? When was the last time you went to the dentist? How often do you brush and floss? NO! These are things that people should do so why was I having a date with the only person who obviously eats brown sugar coated glass for breakfast lunch and dinner?

Teeth and I can never be. There isn't enough dental work in the world to make me forget the vile smile that faced me that day. Shuddering at the thought....

that is all.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tame your one eyed snake!

Unless I ask the answer is “No”

Being a single girl, who does happen to like men, I find it fascinating how willing most men are to send pictures of their penis via cell phone. I honestly do not understand this. I wouldn’t consider myself a visual person in that sense. A picture of a stand up one eyed willy does little for my arousal needs. I figure it must be an ego boost for them.  And when I do not reply I always get the ‘so did you get it, what did you think?’ question.
To answer that????
I think it’s a penis. I’m not quite sure because my conversation was not leading to the direction of asking for a picture of your dick. Therefore, I wonder how and why this popped into my inbox on my phone. Just because you have a camera on your phone and a penis does not mean you should use the two together.  If we’re friends and I’m talking to you it’s not because of your penis. As a matter of fact, if you end up sending me a picture like that chances are you will not be talking to me anymore!

Recently, I was chatting with a guy via text who was all cocky and arrogant and I could see his charm was definitely not sincere and his ego was overwhelming. So I asked him “What’s your deal? You’re obviously cute and full of it so what’s behind that?”
He replies “Well… I’ve been hurt.”
My thought and immediate response was “Haven’t we all? So tell me what you’re hiding behind what’s your story?”
“You really want to know? Are you sure you can handle it?” he asks.
“Yes I really want to know what your issue is.” (this talk comes from my own therapy sessions I’m sure. I realize we use masks of humor and egotistical remarks to make sure that our own insecurities are hidden. Feeling very proud of having asked an in depth question and thinking that I would actually get a thoughtful answer I waited on his reply. About five minutes after my question he replied.

I opened the text and there stood his (what I referred too as) his number two pencil sized penis with the extra eraser on its tip. I was not the slightest bit impressed (I’m normally not) and I replied:
“That was not an invitation requesting a picture of your dick!”
He lol-ed and said “you asked what was hiding… there it is unhidden.”

Let’s forget the fact that I didn’t ask. One that’s not even clever and two I’m not impressed. If you’re going to brag at least have something to brag about. If I don’t ask I don’t want to see it. I have no desire to see most men’s penis’. I’d like to see as few of them as possible because they’re not really all that cute.

And guys who are reading this, just know that if you do send pictures of your penis to girls chances are they show their friends even if they say they don’t. And usually we laugh. So be careful with your camera and your “tickle pickle” (the thought is quite disturbing).

Friday, October 14, 2011

Metal head took on a whole new meaning....

Being single again and not having much of a life has really got me realizing that my life is only interesting when I’m dating. I know that it isn’t always “fun” but it’s always funny. Well, it’s not funny at the time but we all get a nice laugh about it after it happens to me (and not to you). So, I sat down and went into my dating files. I named off everyone I could possibly think of that even so much as counted as possibly a date and then I remembered I had yet to tell about my date with Metal Plate Mac.

I met Mac on a website which is commonly used as a way to “meet people” outside your normal social network, a dating site if you will. In my profession I didn’t meet very many available men and all my friends were lacking in single male friends so I decided to give the online deal a try. As everyone always says “You just never know.” I wouldn’t say that I was desperate, because that would just seem so horrible that I can’t justify the concept of it; however, I was pretty much going on any date that was offered up at the time just to get out of my house and have some sort of social life.

Mac was upfront about not having a car that was “working” at the time so meeting him was out of the question. I ended up driving to pick him up nearly two hours away (sigh yes I know, how dumb can one Single Girl be?).  He lived in the middle of nowhere at the end of a no way out street.  As I pulled into his driveway I kept thinking “Single Girl go home, just go home now” but my stubborn side refused to let that happen. I was just nervous, I reassured myself. But then he came walking out of his house…

Though his profile claimed he was 6’ 2” he barely stood 5’ 5” and his blonde hair was barely there and red. A small extremely white guy with what he would consider “swagger”. Very nice photo shop work he had done for his profile, I must say. The person I saw was definitely not the person coming to my car. When he jumped into my passenger seat I noticed a scar line that came down to his eyebrow and went all the way back behind his ear. He must have obviously noticed that I had noticed it and let out a “Yep, had brain surgery, got a metal plate in my head.” How do you rationally respond to that? Inside I screamed but let out,  “Oh….. I’m sorry to hear that.” 

As I drove back towards the highway he motioned me to turn a different direction, my first reaction was to argue with him because I was not going to end up lost in some strange place stuck with him as my guide. He said “I just gotta pick something up, yo.” I sighed this was going to be horrible. As it turns out we ended up at a gas station where his mom worked. He needed to barrow money so he could pay for our “date”. I didn’t know whether to be thankful he went out of his way to ask his mom so he could pay or feel horrible for him that he went out of his way to ask his mom for money so he could pay. I immediately offered to pay for my own food and he said “A girl like you shouldn’t have to buy anything.” I laughed awkwardly and headed down the highway.

We ended up a casual sit down restaurant where I ordered something extremely simple, I don’t like to over complicate my order because it’s usually wrong, I just made sure to express my concern for NO pickles on my plate. He made a huge order, for such a “fun size” man-ish person he was apparently ready to feed an army. Just as we finished ordering our food he got a message on his phone from a friend saying “Wat up boy?” he laughed and responded “Nah, kid, just Mackin on some ho”. One the conversation other than completely being retarded was also rude. I made a reference to his lack of “game” and “no hoe’s in sight” and slunk down in my booth seat checking my phone impatiently. I still had to make it through a meal with this person and drive him back home.

So our food comes, he has no manners. I don’t mean manners of “please” and “thank you” (though he lacked those as well) but he chewed with his mouth open, talked with his mouth full and was a complete embarrassment as his “slang” made no sense to me what so ever and he was just loud and overly obnoxious. He slurped his shrimp and noodle dinner down faster than I could finish half of my burger. Luckily for him he didn’t have to wait on me because he had another meal sitting there waiting for him. Where I had made sure to order my burger WITHOUT pickle, stressing that point, he had not. I will say someone eating pickles is definitely not a deal breaker but I knew them sloshing around in his wide open mouth as he tried to talk through the food would be unbearable.

For my own sanity, I excused myself hoping to avoid the pickle attack and walked towards the restroom. One of the waiters stopped me and said “First date” and I replied “And last” He laughed and said “We can all tell, he’s horrible get rid of him as soon as you can.” I was right he really was as obnoxious as I had thought it wasn’t me being picky, it was him! This was who he was and I didn’t like him! I went back to my seat after taking a minute to breathe and compose myself.

He hadn’t finished the burger sadly and he said “So ya got a problem wit pickles?” And I replied “Yes, I think they’re horrid. Completely disgusting the idea of them alone makes me ill.” He laughed and moved onto my side of the booth, it was then I noticed the pickle in his hand. He held it up. I leaned as far into the wall as I could go “Get it away from me, I’m warning you, this is not funny!” He kept getting closer and closer until he put the pickle on my arm and that was it, I snapped and I punched him in his face and kicked him off my booth seat.  Everyone around us fell silent. I got up and walked out. A few minutes later he walked out as well and still thought this was funny. He kept pressing the issue and I kept getting madder. The madder I got the more he laughed until finally I hit him again this time in his head, in his balding metal plate head. In doing so I apparently hurt his metal plate, which I found out still gave him issues with pain.

I drove him back out to nowhere, where I insisted he take my money for my meal, which he would not because he jumped out of my car and said “Girl I can’t wait to see yo ass again!” And he skipped off to his door like a child. Had the fact that I hit him twice in the last two hours meant nothing to him? Was it normal for him to be beaten on dates? Why would he think that our date went well?  I was confused and appalled that apparently there was big misunderstanding that our date would lead to a second one. I drove away back towards the highway for the two hour drive home in shock at how someone could be on such a completely different level and not realize how horrible this day had been. Within moments of getting on the highway he sent me a text...
 “Next time I’ll wear my helmet.”

Monday, October 3, 2011

Test drives are not just for cars...

I always suggest after breaking up with someone or being broken up with, that you go on a test drive date. This date must include someone you will not “fall” for.  It’s a person you take out simply because you need to get back into the swing of things. Back into the world of dating, a vicious and cruel world where you’re only chance of survival is to laugh at every bad experience and hopefully learn from it.

When you go car shopping you have a general idea of your dream car in mind. However you don’t just hop right into the car you want. You take test drives, sometimes even after finding the car you want. You have to compare what it is you’re going to spending your money and time on.

So my very first date YEARS ago, after being in a relationship, I decided to go on a test drive.  He was awkward and funny but definitely not the car of my dreams. I agreed to a simple date, dinner. That way just in case it was horrible I could bail afterwards.

So, I asked him if he would mind if I drove. He agreed that would be fine and I asked where we should meet? He said Walgreens was close to his house so we met there. I pulled up into the parking lot to see him awkwardly standing against a post in the parking lot, old white undershirt on, strawberry blonde shaggy hair and a pair of blue work pants possibly Dickies.  I pulled up next to where he was standing and motioned for him to get in my car. He jumped in, smelling of outside and sweat. I wondered why he hadn’t waited in his car, and he said “I’m glad you offered to drive, I would have hated to ask my mom to use her car again.”

Sign number one!

So we get to the place where we’re going to eat, we sit down already an awkward pause and terrible conversation. We order food and drinks, I quickly eat my food as to try and hurry this process called “dating” along and the check comes. This is when he mentioned to me he hasn’t worked for the last two years because he couldn’t find a job in his field. I ask politely what field, as I grab the check to pay for it myself and he says “Well that’s the problem I haven’t really decided yet!”

Sign number two!

We go back to my car and I’m thinking I can just take him back to Walgreens and be done with the night and he asked if we could run to the mall. At this point I was still nice, to people that I went on dates with. It’s not that I disliked him I just didn’t “like” him or ever really want to see him again. But I couldn’t bring myself to just blow him off. I drove towards the nearest mall and we walked around awkwardly, I kept my arms crossed and a nice distance between us to make sure that there could be no way any signs were misread that I wanted him to make any moves. This of course is assuming he had any. He stopped in the middle of the mall and said “Really I just need to find a restroom.” I nodded and walked along towards the nearest men’s restroom that I knew of. He went inside and twenty minutes later came out.

Sign number three!

I practically run through the mall and get back to my car and he hops in like a little kid a theme park and says “How about we go get some more drinks and sit and talk.” I paused. Seriously? After I had ran this awkward piece of the male gender around in my car  paid for our dinner and drinks he wants me to take him for more drinks that I will once again obviously have to pay for since he hasn’t decided what he wants to be when he grows up. I replied with a smile “Why so I can pay again?” and he laughed and said “See that’s what I like about you, you get it. You don’t care about those whole dating rules men are supposed to follow. Where I pay and you get to just sit there and look pretty.”

Sign number four!

I decline the invitation for more drinks and he asks his he could go back to my place, since he lived with his parents it would be hard to have “alone” time…

Sign number five!

Again I declined. Took him back to Walgreens and dropped him off by the same pole where I had found him. I watched him walking towards his parent’s house while I drove off thinking, “Well Rachael, you certainly can’t get any worse from there.”

I was both right and wrong. Though he didn’t do anything necessarily wrong or horrible I have learned to ask many questions before agreeing to the date. And though many of my dating experiences have been worse at least they were upgraded to having cars and jobs.  I don’t want to come off as a gold digger that’s not the case. Drive what you can afford and at least work. I don’t care if you work at McDonalds or bag groceries, just make an attempt.

Simple advice from the Single to the Single, when you’re broken hearted don’t go looking for what you “want” right away. Instead go looking for what you don’t want to make the transition from relationship to singlehood. No one wants to be the rebound and usually the rebound relationship doesn’t work out anyways, so go on a few test drives for comparison. It’s all about living, learning and experiencing. For better or worse, this is your life, at least get good stories out of it!

“Let’s be friends for a while until I see if I like you, then let’s be sweethearts for a while until I see if he is coming back for me”. The sentiments of a woman scorned but still waiting for their miracle of love to reappear, keep on waiting but be realistic.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

A conversation is a dance, try and keep up!

The problem with maintaining a conversation with anyone is that it’s like dancing. If either of you are off beat it simply will not work. Obviously one person must lead the conversation but that doesn’t mean it should only be one sided. It’s give and take, back and forth and should be worth the time and effort.  It takes two to tango, no pun intended.

If one of you happen to be more clever and witty, and you’re forced to slow down, to allow the other one to keep up, you’re just dumbing yourself down. Aim higher!  Conversations should be stimulating and enjoyable, they should make you think, bring about questions and leave you feeling you’ve now discovered something new. However, if you can’t keep up in a conversation and people constantly have to explain it to you, then you need to read a little more often and spend less time watching Jersey Shore.

In general the conversations we have are the things we remember about one another. One conversation can change everything. Think about it like this, remember your first I love you, when you told someone secrets, shared exciting news, your last break up, the words last spoken to someone you’ve lost. All these things happen because of the conversations we have with one another. Good or bad they happen.

Why waste your time trying to make a conversation happen, trying to force something that should come so naturally. If you can’t hold a conversation with someone and each be on each other’s level then what’s the point? If you can’t outwit me and I don’t drown you with clever come backs then we’re just not fit for dancing. Our conversation patterns are all wrong.

Obviously conversations are more than just words. It’s the words that are said between the two people that matter. How you use your words to talk to the other person. Do you find yourself trying to think up something clever, pausing during the conversation waiting for something to hit you so you can feel smarter to this person? Do you find yourself using smaller words and explaining things like you would to a child? That’s too much pressure, why aren’t the words there? Why aren’t they just naturally flowing?

All people interact differently with one another. I do not talk to my staff the way I talk to my Mom. I do not talk to adults the way I talk to children. I do not talk to customers the way I talk to friends. But each conversation I’m having I make sure it is worthwhile.  I want people to walk away from my conversation with them and think… maybe about me, maybe about what I said, maybe just think in general. If I’m not leaving an impression behind when I meet you and have that first conversation then what’s going to bring you back? 

You can make a first impression to someone without speaking to them. However, you leave a lasting impression once you open your mouth and the words come out. So make sure those words are worth saying.

“Words are very valuable things.” King Azaz- The Phantom Tollbooth

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I know you just couldn't wait for an update!

I guess it’s just time for a Single Girl update on well me.  Random thoughts… not in any real order.  *blogger is being lame and won't let me add my unique pictures I found to go with this post. Sorry only words this time :(

1.       I am officially a Single Girl once again, after a nice business like, Dear John, face book message it became official once more. You win some you lose some. Regardless I lived and learned.

2.       I have to meet with a lawyer and a counselor about my rape on October 17. Hopefully things go well and at this point, any help or justified action will make me feel better. I am still waiting to hear from RAIIN to see if I am able to become a public speaker for local schools and communities. I’m trying to turn a huge negative into a positive.

3.       I have realized I do not have a type and I will never understand men. Dating I get, beyond that I’m lost.

4.       I have been promoted at work which I don’t talk about so I won’t go into any detail. But that’s success. I’m good at work. Maybe that’s my calling and nothing more.

5.       I miss cuddling up to someone to sleep, as stupid and cheesy as that sounds. I think I need a dog, since my cat obviously plots my death while I sleep.  I think I'm a hopeless romantic. But I try to deny it with a bitter cover up.

6.       I have discovered who really my friends are and which ones are just people who come randomly in and out of my life, without care or worry when the time is good for them. I call those friends butterflies, they flutter in and flutter out and never worry about me.

7.       My biggest enemy is myself. I struggle with the idea that I’m a coward and not worthy of much more than I have. Though I cannot completely destroy my life and those in it, I question my own worth far too often.  I am constantly at war with myself.

8.       I’ve lost weight. Which I’ve never really discussed with you but it’s about 30 plus pounds now. I was never a big girl but I had extra baggage, the weight kind. I still have the mental kind.

9.       I will and can argue my point until I can no longer justify why I even tolerate the person who thinks differently. I’m very open minded and closed minded people really just get under my skin.

10.   I do not like being judged, I put my life out here in a blog for entertainment. Its life lessons that I’ve learned and I’m willing to share. If you don’t like them don’t read them and don’t complain about them.

11.   I am impatiently waiting the new season of The Walking Dead to come on. I love zombies. If I ever become one please just let me roam around. Don’t kill me just let me zombie around and avoid me eating you. Thank you.

12.   I enjoy a conversation over the phone with a friend or a nice debate with someone over sitting mindlessly alone or in lame company. I enjoy wit and intelligence over muscles and six packs.  If you can carry on a random conversation with me for hours, you have me hooked.

13.   I am excited to make my own Halloween costume this year. This even as I have just typed it seems pretty pathetic.

14.   I need someone to make my decisions for me. Since I obviously do not make good choices for myself. And apparently happen to be a bad judge of character.

15.   I firmly believe in butterflies, knots and that giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re seeing someone. If you’re not getting it… move on. Let’s not waste anyone’s time. We deserve to be happy and not to settle for anything less.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

While Match making "Needs" trumps your "Wants"

Typically I try my best not to fix up friend or family members. If something goes wrong or it doesn’t work out then it ends up being my entire fault. However when you see someone in your life continue to make poor judgment choices about significant others, I think it’s my responsibility to take on the problem and fix it. After all, we do not always see our own flaws and issues as others clearly see them. Nor do we always know what is best for us. Some consider this meddling in the lives of others but in this recent case I think it’s about saving someone.  

I know how hard it is for two people, who could possibly be perfect for each other, to find one another in such a large world. So why not, just this once, boost them in the right direction? I say just this once as if I’ve never tried fixing my friends up before and usually completely failing in the process. But I try to be a closet romantic and hope that this time it works out. That this time I will be sitting one day possibly at their wedding watching them say their vows and thinking, yes I made this all possible. And ego fix? Probably but it still counts as helping others. And I like playing cupid!

I once fixed up two people in high school. It was a terrible date and they vowed to never go out together again. I doubled with them (my boyfriend and I at the time) to make it less awkward. And I will admit nothing went right. But I am happy to say they are now happily married and have a beautiful daughter together.  It may have taken them a little longer to get on track but I like to think I played a hand in the cards they were dealt.

Personally I think I’m very good at finding people for others. It’s just that the people I find are what those other people need not want. Needing something is far different than what we want usually. We want cheeseburgers but need a salad. We want that those thousand dollar shoes but need to be buying payless heels instead.  People need balance. They need someone who usually is somewhat opposite from themselves and yet easy to get along with.  

In my Single Girl opinion I believe everyone has a right to be treated well. Regardless of their past, everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship. Happiness does not always come in a six pack, even tan and bright blue eyes. Sometimes it comes in a hilarious average smart normal blue eyed package. Most of the time sense of humor can trump anyone with a good hair cut. Cologne can trump any gym rat sweat smell. And a simple hug can trump a one night stand.

Everyone deserves someone who will treat them with the love, respect and consideration they deserve so when I try to play match maker that’s what I’m looking for, for you. I’m not going off of looks alone, that doesn’t last. Sometimes our “type” is just a horrible replay of our past relationships.  Our “type” tends to get us into a vicious pattern of repeating the same relationship only with a new player.  Sometimes you just have to give people a chance, step outside your box and your boundaries of what you “want” and look for someone who has the qualities that you need.

It’s just my opinion… but if you ever “need” some help just let me know  ; )

Monday, September 19, 2011

I don't HAVE too... I choose too.

So lately in this (not so single) Single Girl’s life there has been a lot of debate about morals. People with them, without them and I think it boils down to this. If you don’t want someone to do “insert said thing here” then don’t “insert said thing here” to anyone else.  Treat other’s the way you wish to be treated. The golden rule basically...

This question arose, since my boyfriend is in the military and has been recalled. I do not know when I will see him or talk to him again. A friend asked me “Why do you have to wait for him to come back?” I said I don’t have too I want too. I take relationships seriously when I’m in one. His reply “It’s not like you’re married.” And I responded that just because he’s gone doesn’t make me single. That would be like every time he went to the store I suddenly became single because we weren’t together at the time. And then he said something that really troubled me. “Single girl, it’s not like he’d ever know if you went out. He’s gone has no contact with anyone…” That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I had not considered it. What a horrible idea, what a horrible thing to say or suggest that I would do.

I am not the cheating type. I have never cheated on anyone, not a single kiss with another person while being in a relationship. To me I find it morally wrong. I have been cheated on and it’s terrible, as a girl I found myself wondering why I hadn’t been “good enough” , what did she have that I didn’t?  I have also been the girl who was asked to be “someone special on the side” and I declined. I do not condone this type of behavior and think that if you’re willing to cheat you’re obviously NOT happy and should just leave. Get out, move on. Don’t string people along and pretend to care and hurt others in the process. Step up and get out of a relationship that apparently isn’t worthy of devotion.  Give the speech if you have too, the classic “it’s not you it’s me” but don’t just avoid and maintain some horrible ongoing lie with a person who obviously cares for you. (Side note: Once a cheater always a cheater... if they did it to them they will eventually do it to you!)

“Don’t you get lonely?” Sure I get lonely. When this happens I talk to my friends and go shopping, watch movies, hang out, do things that don’t involve having to have sex with someone. And at night I curl up and hug up to my pillows and try my best to have pleasant dreams and not worry too much about the “whatifs”.

After a very long rant with my friend he then said “Well how do you know he’s not out there cheating on you?” One, I highly doubt he would. Two, I highly doubt he has the time. And three, even if he was cheating, me cheating in response doesn’t make it ok or right for either one of us. There is no justification for it.

So, I don’t HAVE to do anything. I choose to wait until he comes back.  I choose to sit and wonder if he’s alright and choose to think about him. I choose not to go out with other guys. I choose him, it’s as plain and simple and as complex as that. You may not understand, you may think that I’m crazy. But it’s my choice to wait around.

  I choose to be an UnSingle Single girl.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

You can't argue Scientific facts!

You can’t argue science. So I’m going to logically explain something in scientific terms:

In every experiment you have a constant. This is the item that remains the same throughout the experiment. Then you have variables (usually multiple ones). You add the variables to the constant to see the different reactions.  The experiment has been set up for years and it simply includes me.

I am the constant (C ). The men I date are the variables (V1 ect.).  Let me show you my findings.

C +V1= fail
C +V2= fail
C + V3= fail
C + V4= fail
C + V5= fail
C + V6= fail
C + V7= fail

Do I really need to keep going with the variables? Are you seeing a pattern? Each time you add a different variable (man) to the constant (me) the same result yielded.  What does this prove you wonder? Well it proves the problem isn’t in the variable the problem is with the constant. The problem is me.

So how do I (the constant) change this vicious cycle? If it’s me then how do I know what to change? Each variable/ man was extremely different from each other: ranging from tattoo artist, rock band guitar player, older man, virgin, whore, saint, broken or the breaker. I am the only thing that in any of these failures remained the same. The types of men were extremes.

So fellow blog readers I ask you this: What am I doing wrong?

Monday, September 5, 2011

Single Girl dating strategy or secure healthy relationship?

Question: Why are the rules to being in a relationship so much different than the rules to dating? I find it extremely hard to stop that Single Girl mind from playing the dating game to determine where I stand in my relationship.    How do you draw the line between Single Girl dating strategy and secure healthy relationship?

Relationships are when the games stop correct?  I admit I struggle with the idea that I’m possibly paranoid or not capable of being loved.  In either case the relationship do’s and don’ts are not exactly what I expected them to be.  I don’t want to come off needy but then am I coming across as uncaring? Giving too much or too little? What’s he thinking, should I ask should I not?  Why am I bothered by it so much?

If something were wrong I truly believe that he would tell me. I don’t see him as dishonest or a person to drag someone along. He’s a great guy. We don’t fight or argue and I genuinely care about him. Maybe that’s why I’m so paranoid about all the, what ifs and whys, that are going on inside me. Is it normal for me to be so scared to lose something this early in the game? 

I will be honest I have a poor choice in men. And when we first started dating he was persistent, made me laugh and won me over. He’s a good guy and probably the first “good guy” I’ve ever dated for an extended period of time. Not to mention the fact that I think he’s very handsome. But making me laugh was probably the best feeling in the world, he’s well rounded and seems completely normal.  (You’ll understand if you’ve read my blogs) At times I wonder why he would even like me?  People think once you’re in a relationship that’s the easy part, but for me it’s always been the hardest part.

I don’t know how to be treated well, it scares me. But it’s definitely a good feeling, which leaves me wondering what’s going to happen and when is it going to end and how will I eventually fuck it all up. For now I’m holding my head above water, hoping everything goes smoothly and remains on the up side. And if my next blog says otherwise let me just say now how truly lucky I was/am to have spent any amount of time with him at all, he’s wonderful, funny, handsome  and makes me happy. I wouldn’t change that.

Side note: I have no strange nick names for him, how normal is that :)

 Not all relationships have to be a vicious battle. It’s time I realized that.  

Friday, September 2, 2011

Serious Sex Obsession, (not about me!)

Hello I am Single Girl and I would like to note this is NOT about me. But it's something I wanted to share since people really don't talk about it. I figured I should. Let's hit those topics other's shy away from.

I know that everyone likes the idea of sex addiction. The thought of being addicted to it seems logical and harmless but that’s not the case. A true addict puts themselves in danger constantly and really the only gratification they receive is the initial stimulation but it doesn’t last. People who have a sex addiction are craving something far greater than actual sexual gratification or sex.

The term "sexual addiction" describes the type of behavior a person with an unusual intense sex drive, disconnected from emotion. They have a hard time maintaining healthy relationships because the addiction itself becomes an obsession and the personal relationship becomes null and void.  The idea of intimacy isn’t there, thus they are obviously not fulfilling the void in which is actually missing. The connection between one human to another does not have to be made through sex; however, a person suffering from the addiction often feels this is the cure for their problems.

Like all addicts they deny the problem and place blame on other people or alcohol. When in reality their brains are twisted enough to believe that they can stop without treatment and without any form of help. This puts the person at a huge risk, a major disadvantage to the typical sexually active person. Situations arise such as: rape, unsafe sex, unfamiliar sex, sex with strangers and dangerous sex which can lead to internal damage, psychological damage or STD’s which are no longer a concern to the addict and pregnancy often occur leaving the people more disconnected than ever.

Treatment of sexual addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality, by building and maintaining ongoing relationships and bonds with stable people (again not necessarily sexually). Treatment includes education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and often group therapy. Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with sexual addictions (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) also are available. In some cases since sex addiction is an obsession, medications used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder may be used to curb the compulsive nature of the sex addiction. But that is only in extreme cases.

Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:

·         Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)

·         Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)

·         Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands

·         Consistent use of pornography

·         Unsafe sex

·         Phone or computer sex (cybersex)

·         Prostitution or use of prostitutes

·         Exhibitionism

·         Obsessive dating through personal ads

·         Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking

·         Sexual harassment

·         Molestation/rape

Like any obsession it can be more or less severe depending on the person.  I wanted to be better informed since I know people who probably suffer from this. Sex doesn’t fill any emotional void in your life. It never has and it never will.  Therapy is the best solution to get to the root of the problem. Otherwise you’re living at risk each encounter. I love you AM! I’m here for you always.

Monday, August 15, 2011

What I've learned from my Lesbian

          I thought I was pretty much an expert on dating (since I have been on SO many dates), the dos and don’ts and the rules. However, when it comes to helping my lesbian friend with her potential dates, I am at a loss for how women work. And I hate to point out the obvious but I am a woman. So why is it I am completely wrong, when it comes to girl on girl dating? Shouldn’t that be a million times easier to figure out than a man and a woman?  This is what I’ve learned from lesbians.

Anything I think is right about dating seems to be wrong and anything I would never do seems to be the logical thing to do when these girls contact my friend. So, I wonder am I a strange girl or is my friend just awesome at finding girls with strange habits.

You know the old rule you don’t call or text until the person of interest calls or texts you? Not with girls… apparently the more often you call and text the better it is. Where as a guy would completely freak out if I called him fourteen times a day and text him every minute I was alive, my friend’s girls think this is ok. Who am I to argue? Because it’s obviously working!  And honestly when  I take a step back and think of how often I used to get called and text by my guy I realize I miss it… so maybe they’re on to something!

Dating doesn’t exist. Once you start talking you’re automatically in a relationship ready to move in together. My friend compared other lesbians to U-haul trucks, which I honestly didn’t understand until I witnessed firsthand how quickly girls move into relationships. The first sign of any sort of commitment and guys run away never to be seen again.  I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing. Obviously if you’re happy why not start your happiness out as soon as possible. Be together, no use wasting anyone else’s time, but park the U-Haul trucks girls… we don’t need to be packing up and moving in and out of houses every few weeks. Be certain before you pack your belongings into that new place!

I love you to I hate you in less than an hour! Intense emotions are always on high! Whether they’re good or bad you know what they’re feeling.  The only problem with that is within minutes you can be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Little hearts, loving smiles,  butterflies and holding hands quickly turns into an all out brawl over why someone didn’t call or text and the new girlfriends ex girlfriend’s friend said something about someone and you didn’t agree or disagree and now it’s completely over and everyone hates your guts!  And to add to all of that, they now keep playing the song she sang to you over and over on the radio!  Gender reverse? Guys equal just don’t care. It will never turn into that big of an ordeal or drama, simply because they don’t give a shit. Which has it perks obviously.

My friend’s girls are very proud of who they’re with. There’s no hiding it or keeping it a secret when they’re together you know it. Holding hands is completely ok and they’re simple in their things that make them happy. (At least my friend is and the ladies she’s come into contact with.) There’s no one shrugging off the hand holding or worrying about being a “man”, or who’s watching.  When it’s there, it simply is. No reason to justify it or hide it.  Guys? Ugh! I once had a guy tell me he couldn’t hold my hand in the beer isle, hunting department or electronics… that’s where other men are you know! My solution no hand holding at all… who do you think was bothered by that? Me.

                Maybe it’s all trial and error. I don’t think any relationship is perfect. We all have a lot to learn from each other.  However, I do know that after all of my terrible dates, combined with watching my lesbian friend date and countless other hopeless romantics continue to torment themselves, I will eventually have all the answers. Deciphering them; however,  may be the problem…
Thank you J for all the fun and entertainment!  What would I do without you?!?!?!?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I was raped.

I have been out of the blogging and social scene for a few weeks now. I had shut myself off from the world, locked myself in my room avoided social contact, I felt dirty, I felt confused, I felt used and damaged,  and I felt like something had been stolen from me. I had lost no, not lost I had been robbed, cheated.  I had been raped.

I would like to tell you exactly how I remember it. But I can’t do that. I can only tell you to the point I remember and the after affects this event has had on my life.  I can share with you in detail what witnesses have told me but I can’t say that I saw or remember any part of this.  Which lead me to a very important question, if I can’t remember this how could I have agreed to it?

I had blacked out, couldn’t walk, in and out of consciousness and all the while my friend I had known for a very long time “cared for me”.  I’m using this term cared for me very loosely because I cannot whole heartedly believe that I was in the care of a good friend anymore.  So, I’m going to give you a time line which is all I have from friends.

Last thing I remember:  Small drink of pop (the only drink left in the can) that had been brought to me and a shot of Jack. I will not claim I was intoxicated completely. Had I have had a few drinks yes. But I handle my alcohol much better than black outs, incoherent speech and complete shutdown of my entire body, muscles limp, body uncontrollable and unmovable.

I would like to say I remember driving or being driven but I do not. I also do not remember getting back into my house. Nor do I remember ending up in my bed, having sex, or having my friends show up in the middle and catching him red handed.

In the words of my friends I came to for a moment and yelled “I didn’t fucking agree to have sex with you I didn’t say you could do that to me.” Then I passed back out. I had been strung across my bed, without my underwear legs spread apart. I can vouch for the fact that I never sleep on my back hands above my head legs spread wide open in half my clothes but I do not remember this happening.

In the words of my friends I was not drunk they had seen me drunk before. I giggled and laughed and made a fool of myself but I could hold my head up. I could carry on a conversation without passing out in the middle of it. I could stand up without falling I could move about the house without slamming my head into walls or falling on the floor passing out yet again. I am not that type of drunk. My friend who is a nurse said I “didn’t seem right”.

My friend I had known for years who answered their call upon my door unexpectedly dressing himself claimed to have been asleep on the couch. He acted weird they said. He was persistent that Single girl had just drank too much. And that they should leave. Then he was persistent that they NOT go into my room to check on me or try to wake me up.

 “He acted uncomfortable when you screamed at him and went pale. He tried to tell you that you agreed to it but you kept insisting that you had not. I wanted you to come with us. So we told you to get ready and you feel. He said he would help you. You yelled at him the entire time. He seemed in a hurry to get you gone and away from him. Then demanded he retrieve the bottle out of your car. He kept telling us to just take you along with us anyway. But you were clearly unable to stand or move. We were worried about you.  He then went back to the room to check on you and said that we needed to just leave because you had fallen back asleep but you had really passed back out. You were standing with your feet on the floor and had fallen backwards onto your bed still half dressed completely out of it. You couldn’t answer our questions and you mumbled unable to make some words. But you clearly insisted you did not agree to have sex with him. We left your house after an hour of trying to get you conscious again.”

I woke up three hours later. I looked at my phone wondering why my friends had not shown up to pick me up and how I had gotten home and was only half dressed. Why my feet were planted on the floor but my upper body lay awkwardly on my bed. I picked up my dress to hang it up and saw a discolored stain. I immediately text my friend “Did we have sex” and his reply “You better fucking be on birth control.”

I couldn’t remember anything. I tried asking him about it but he insisted I enjoyed myself to which I replied I must have just laid there unable to move because I had still felt some affects of what I thought to be alcohol since he insisted that I had drank so much.

Later I found out that I had maybe four or five shots. Not to sound like an alcoholic but that wouldn’t have done the trick. Also the bottle was not over half way empty as he had claimed. He also said we had both drank from the bottle and not a fourth of it was gone. If we both drank from it that still wouldn’t be enough to make me black out and have no recollection of the event. I did some talking to friends around me.  Things started not making any sense. His story didn’t fit how I felt, and what they had seen themselves.  His actions alone were out of character for him I had known him for years.

 My mom had even mentioned my behavior that night was unlike the girl she knows when I’ve been drinking.  I was lethargic and extremely tired. I just laid around, emotionless and relaxed. A comment from a friend made me google the date rape drug. I read each symptom off with tears streaming down my face. I had every single symptom of being slipped a drug in my drink. I was horrified and extremely disgusted with not only him but myself. I had always been so protective of myself. I watch my drinks at bars. I don’t take drinks from strangers I always request it come straight to my hand from the bar tender. I never leave my drinks unattended. But I had known this person. I had shared good times with this person I had been drunk with this person. I didn’t fear him. I didn’t worry about his intentions.

I spent a week blaming myself. And trying to avoid this at all cost, I had no memory of it but couldn’t get it out of my mind. I recently decided to speak with friends about it. We are consulting lawyers we know, police officers we know and I will be having a hair strand tested specifically for this type of drug. It is now too late for a blood or urine test to show any signs of the drug in my system however the hair is a much different story. I will get to know the truth. If it turns out I was not drugged and I was just “drunk” I still did not agree to it or was in my right state of mind to agree to this event. And if I said “yes “at any point I was not coherent enough to make a sound choice therefore it is still rape.  

I thought this would be so much easier to write about but it has been the hardest story to share because I don’t know the details I don’t know what happened all I know is that it was wrong.  Someone I trusted did this to me. Not a stranger, not some creepy man stalking me in the shadows, someone I knew and cared for was able to damage me and take something from me.  He was able to completely control me and my actions.

It is with a heavy heart that I share this story with you. Some of you may have experienced this and some of you may not have.  But know this; it’s never your fault. Please be careful and guard yourself sadly even among the closest of friends.  I have no clever saying or thought to leave behind with you other than; rape or unconsentual sex is never ok.