Tonight I was a girl. Though as strange as that may seem I pride myself in being a little like the typical female as possible. All the typical female parts are into play but normally I find myself geared towards the opposite of shoe shopping, over expensive makeup and clothes that have labels I can’t pronounce let alone own. I don’t giggle and I will not act stupid to please you.
I spent my night, treating my damaged hair, watching love triangle and romance movies- which never happens and if you tell I will hunt you down and recreate a scene from one of the many gore infested films I normally watch. I was reminded almost immediately why I don’t watch those movies. They make my life seem even more like shit and worthless than the typical day. Ladies it’s torture, just watch scary movies. Everyone dies especially the lovers!
I also took time to deep condition my hair and some other beauty regimens. I have spent my nights and weekends selling porn, adult toys, Hustler apparel and lingerie and sex to the masses. And yet I’m not getting any at all. My “Hustler” game is fantastic; too bad I’m not getting any sex. It’s a common misconception that people working around porn and sex toys have sex all the time. Most of us…. Are sexually frustrated… So if you have questions about great products I can help and will give you and honest opinion.
But I catch myself wandering back to the past. Did I live there in comfort, have I ever really loved anyone or am I simply passing the time until I can’t take dating any more.
I often wonder what makes me who I am, how do I become this person that leads a very dull and void existence. At times I want that girlie life, I want to curl up on the couch and watch movies and just be completely comfortable. I used to believe that comfort was enough. That simply being content in a relationship would stand the test of time and I was young and naïve. I honestly believed, you found someone worth tolerating and that was good “enough”.
I despise that ‘good enough’ comment I have sense grown into a mature idea of what a relationship should be but I just don’t think it’s for me. I am not heartless I just choose to use my heart less. Call me evil, cynical, soulless, jaded and so be it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me in my life, for good or bad, I am who I am. And people are probably better off without me. I bare my soul to save yours……
How many times have I pushed people away, turned my back walked away and burned a bridge? How many times have I hurt people because I could? I will hurt you, I will do it over again and sometimes I honestly won’t mean too but there will be times that I mean to puncture through your heart. Is it a control thing? Is it simply my crazy coming out? Words can destroy a person if they only slightly care, imagine what it can do for someone who’s fallen. I am not worthy. Do not give me such power.
I don’t let go of the past. It is my ultimate downfall. I will not let go of anger, resentment and I will hold that grudge that you probably have assumed I had forgotten about. Just know that when you need me, I probably won’t be there. I won’t come running to your rescue. I am not a savior and I am definitely not a saint. I will probably bring you down