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Monday, May 30, 2011

Oh you have an Oral fixation? I'll pass...

In honor of a picture recently posted on What the Random about eating out I must share my personal opinion about this sexual act. (Everyone reading this due to facebook should “LIKE” their page.) I know many women and girls will disagree with me on this one.  I know many men who will be disappointed in this one but here it goes…

I don’t enjoy anyone going down on me for more than a few minutes. I understand the concept and I get that some people really enjoy both having it done and doing it but I feel it’s a waste of time. Get it over with and let’s get into the good stuff! It’s just a step onto better things in my opinion. It’s foreplay that shouldn’t last the majority of our romp in the sheets.  Get down there do what you have to do and get out so we can move on. And if it’s a little dry down there, sorry you’re not doing it for me but just get it over with. Do what needs to be done so we can move on to having sex.  But I will be honest there are far better ways to turn me on than that.

Guys are constantly telling me how much they enjoy this and how they’d rather be doing that then having sex sometimes but I’m not impressed. When a guy tells me that I usually think he’s a liar or bragging but still not impressed. What guy doesn’t want his penis in a vagina but wants his tongue in one? I don’t see how that’s better?!?!?!  It’s not that I’ve never enjoyed a session of mouth to bottom lips action because I have. At one time I actually preferred it over sex. But once I actually had good sex it doesn’t even compare. So when a man brags about how much he enjoys “going down” or “eating out” I simply wonder if maybe he’s just not good enough to get me off any other way.  Is your penis not doing the trick? Is your tongue longer than your penis? I know the tongue is more flexible and a strong muscle but come on guys…

My girl friends thing I’m crazy. They think that a nice make out session below the belt creates a far better orgasm than having sex.  And apparently there’s nothing they hate more than a guy who refuses to go down to the “V” zone.  So let me be fair and give you some tips I’ve researched to help you out. For the girls who love it and the guys who aren’t good at it but like to do it, or the guys who won’t do it. This may help everyone involved.  But just because I’m giving you this information does not mean I want you to use it or try it on me.

1.    Prep her for what’s to come. You can start by kissing her all over her body. Begin by kissing her deeply in the lips. Move down to her neck and then to her nipples. After this, slowly move down to the stomach. As you near her vagina, skip it and go directly to the legs. Build excitement to the point until she is literally begging for it.

2.    Test the waters. With your tongue, check her vagina for wetness. If you have been doing your work right, the vagina should already be moist. Lick around the labia and in the inner labia. They should be creaming at this point. If this is the case, proceed to the next step. If not, go back to step 1.

3.    Write the alphabet with your tongue. The next step involves a lot of tongue dexterity. Once she is wet, spread out the lips of her vagina to expose the inside. This is the time you write with your tongue. Start by learning your ABCs. Once you have gone through the alphabet, go to your numbers.

4.    Give her a great finale. This is where you really rock her world. Slowly insert your finger. Check for signs that she is digging it. Try to look for her G-spot. The G-spot will give her an experience she will never forget. While you manipulate her G-spot, find her clitoris. It should be button at the top of the inner labia. Lick it at a constant rhythm. Move your tongue faster and faster until she starts moaning and wailing. Her but should be gyrating at this point. Lick the clitoris faster while playing with her G-spot. The vagina should tighten up until it suddenly just goes lax. At this point, I congratulate you. You just gave her a finale she won’t forget.

 But if this doesn’t work… just use your penis. After all that’s what it was intended for!  Don’t be selfish though… everyone should get “theirs”.  Don’t just work to please yourself, it should be a good time for everyone! 
**Please note that I did not mention my stance on giving oral sex. This is simply my opinion on getting it.

“The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs.”

~D.H. Lawrence

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Virgin alert! Definately not your typical Milk man!

I dated a 29 year old virgin. And I do not hate on his choices for his life. He wanted to wait until he was married more power to him.  The fact that he was a virgin was the least of my worries.  He was very open about his decision to wait and in a way it was kind of nice to find someone who had some morals left. He was a botanist, he made me planter (which quickly died in my care.) He tried teaching me about plants and trees and I just kept telling him I liked Dandelions (nothing more than a weed not a plant by the way but I happen to adore them). 

Then after our second official date (I say official date because in a matter of two to three weeks he had just moved himself into my life without my permission other than these few occasions) he had named our children. OUR CHILDREN WE DIDN’T (and wouldn’t) HAVE already had names. And he picked out the type of dog we were going to have to practice being parents and where we were going to live. What OUR fictional children would call his mother along with the fact that he wanted to name OUR one fictional daughter after his mother… which had a horrific name like Agnid.  And he insisted I would breast feed, which is a whole different rant for me but not happening.
Despite the nonexistent happily ever after fairy tale he had invented for us, the thing that really bothered me for some reason was that every time we went out to eat or stopped to get a drink through a drive through or even at my house he had to have milk. He had gone through two gallons of milk in two times at my house. We went to P.F. Changs and he tried to get milk… you can’t get milk there!!!!! They don’t have milk!!!!  He considered going out to the gas station down the road and coming back with milk. Most places only carry milk for children. So there we’d be on a date (me with my alcoholic beverage) and him with his little kid carton of milk and swirly straw.

To top off his milk and creepy planning of my entire life, he was a terrible kisser and let’s be honest, it’s all in the kiss. It can make or break even the best of dates.  He had informed me he was attacked by a dog as a child and his face had to be reconstructed near his mouth. You couldn’t visibly tell except for a tiny facial scar near his left side of his lips. There was nothing creepy about it until he told me that he had no feeling on that side of his face. I didn’t think it was possible to only use half of your lips to kiss but he did and it was terrible… the rest just sat there completely uninvolved.  To make matters worse he was just bad at it in general. Now I love me a man with scruff and facial hair and I’ve NEVER had an issue with it. But his kissing was so bad it was like smearing sandpaper across my chin while a wet rag was rung out over my face.  I ended up with a rug burn on my chin and refused to let him kiss me again.  My face oozed trying to scab over and it hurt. And I looked like I had a flesh eating disorder.
By official date three he was just showing up at my house as I was trying to avoid him.  I tried ignoring his texts and I tried telling him I was horrible person. But he just wouldn’t go away.   He was like the cat you feed once and it just keeps coming back. Only I did not feel bad for him… I wanted to slap him constantly. He annoyed me, with everything he said and every time he took a drink of milk I wanted him to choke on it. He was unbearable and was trying to force me to go to church with him.  I do not like when people try to force me to do anything.  
I couldn’t take it anymore. It came to the point where he was talking to me as I ignored him until he said “And though you have three tattoos I’ll over look that you just can’t get anymore…”  Excuse me I said?  To which he obviously repeated himself. This was it. It was now or never, I had to get rid of the milk boy no matter what the cost.  I jumped up made some very rude comments threw his gallon of milk on to the porch and told him he had to leave that no one was going to tell me what I could or couldn’t do.  And he smiled and said “You’re just a little upset right now I’ll see you tomorrow.”
So I began hiding my car. Staying out or going out for as long as possible because he would try to stop by he kept emailing me about stupid “memories” in the short time we had shared. He even brought up our nonexistent children when he cried on my voicemail.  After ignoring him, not responding to his texts and blocking all contact with him, I thought I was finally free.

But the cat came back. He just wouldn’t stop. And to this day now nearly two years later he still randomly emails me wanting to hang out like old times… and how much he misses me. What I find ironic about this is that I was mean to him 99% of the time we were around each other. I considered him nothing more than three dates and he considered me marriage material.

“Milk does a body good… but it can’t fix crazy.”

Thursday, May 26, 2011

He was such a nice guy... that I really did date him! I swear!!!!

I’ve lied to you all and for that I’m going to apologize. This whole time I have told you that I have never dated a nice guy. That I don’t like them but that’s not the case. I did date a nice guy. He was wonderful and you'll be so jealous of my ability to have this man and wonder why it didn't work out.

MJ and I began talking through as sad as this may sound a dating website. When I was no longer a member he had tracked me down (not creepily) through facebook or myspace or AIM… I cannot remember which. We talked for an extremely long time, both via internet and on the phone and through text.
He was independent, had his own house, multiple cars, a truck and two jobs. Plus he was attending school to accomplish a goal. I know right a man I dated had a goal. So, here I was “talking” to MJ when we finally decided to meet. He paid for all our outings, held the door for me, held my hand in public, went out of his way to say wonderful things to me,  complimented me often and drove miles out of his way just to see me.  

He thought I was perfect. And as hard for me to admit, he was far from right about that. But he didn’t seem to mind he was extremely happy with me and our situation.  Now when I say ‘situation’, it’s merely the fact that little things were out of the ordinary for a person that someone would be dating.  He lived nearly two hours away from me, which doesn’t leave much time to see each other. He could only talk to me on the phone certain nights and could only text me occasionally do to work and school apparently.   I was never allowed to go to his house because of the drive being so far so we always met each other in the middle since my house was being worked on.  
I had never met any of his friends or family and there were times I could only see him one day early morning on the weekends. This all made sense to me since he worked and had school and was so dedicated to his newly chosen field.  I was impressed that I had found someone with those actual qualities. How lucky was I? A nice guy, who treats me well, goes above and beyond wants to make me happy, spoils me and says he loves me and would do anything for me… does it get any better?  What more does a Single girl need?

Then I get the phone call…

The rant of woman and not just any woman, his live in girlfriend was calling me. Ironically at the same time I had drank a ton of vodka and mixed completely on accident a “happy” pill.  I was miserable and sick the room was spinning and now some crazy girlfriend was bitching in my ear about me spending time with her boyfriend. (She called from his phone) Asking me about texts and pictures (not sexy pictures just pictures in general) and did I know this how long has it been going on …

I stopped listening to her nagging when I realized we had both been played the fool. She finished with her rant and the only reason I know she finished is because she hung up on me.

I paused for a moment thinking how ironic this situation was that the nicest guy I’d ever dated had me as a backup plan. Considering how nice he was it made a lot of sense. The only guy to treat me like I was the only woman on earth was using me as the “other woman”.  Then my phone rang again… (same number) I answered drunk and near ready to throw up and it was her again! She once again went on a rant and this time I could hear him pounding on a door in the back ground trying to get in and talk to her saying “Baby let’s go for a walk… baby let’s talk” … as he yelled, she yelled at me and I finally said “Look… I’m fucking drunk I’m about to puke you need to take this up with your boyfriend I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m a single girl and proud of it…”  or something alone those drunken lines.

The next day my Knight in shining tin foil tried to explain the situation as “we’re not together, we just still live together because of our land contract… she’s just jealous I’ve moved on…”

Moral of my story: 1. If it’s too good to be true it probably is.
                                    2. If it doesn’t add up something is wrong.
                                 3. If you feel like you’re number two in his life, there’s probably a number one.

“Women stop getting mad at the other woman… we were lied to as well. Hate the player not the played.”

Monday, May 23, 2011

WHAT IF... wishes were fishes...

I’ve been told that it takes half the time you were in a relationship with someone to get over them.  Apparently if you were with someone for six years you’re not over them completely until three years later. Spent six months with them, well you’re not completely over them until three months later. If this is true then I am successfully over everyone I’ve ever been in relationships with. This is a huge accomplishment for me to have that entire burden off my shoulder.  I just paused to pat myself on the back for those relationships being completely ‘over’ in the mental and physical sense. 

I honestly don’t believe it took me the entire half of the time to be over these people just that knowing I made that mark is a huge feat. There is no getting around it. I am a successful single girl, free of burdens and bitterness of past relationships.  Ok maybe slightly a little bitter but I like to pretend that means I’m smarter now. Bitter to me equals cautious. I’m a little pickier these days with who I chose to spend time with. Once bitten twice as shy. No, that’s not good either because I’m definitely not shy… the point is I’m guarded. Maybe like Fort Knox but it’s because I’m smarter I believe, less likely to be burned again in the future. Maybe I have learned something from my repetitive cycle of horrible relationships. MAYBE…

With the ghost of past relationships no longer haunting me I have stumbled upon a new issue. How long does it take to get over someone you were never in a relationship with? Is there a time span on how long you can hold on to something that never was? How can you honestly completely get rid of someone you were never given a chance with… it seems impossible since you don’t know what could have happened. Will I always wonder ‘what if’?

After a pause in the blog a walk around the house and a drink, I have decided the only cure for this is one of two things. Either I make it happen (which probably isn’t likely) or I find someone else to replace them (which isn’t looking good at this point either). I’d chose option one over two any day but option two is more likely. The only problem with that is dating and such (dancing pant less, knocking boots, romantic rodeo, naked wrestling, ect.) is off limits until at least July 16th. 

So even if I were to give in or stumble onto someone else or actually get what I want… it wouldn’t happen because I’m stubborn, and I’ll win my bet no matter what. But for the time being… Any advice on what to do is greatly appreciated.  My question to you is how to get over what I’ve never really had… 

“I keep telling myself I’m not the desperate type.”

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Your Opinions on This Single Girl

Since I have been able to share my opinion about everything and everyone and it isn't always a pleasent one, I'm giving those who know me the opportunity to express their opinions about me flaws and all...  So here they are, those who were brave enough to take on this task!

*She's female obviously evil.
*She's sarcastic and can't be taken seriously!
*Single Girl dyes her hair way too much! And she won’t have sex with me.
*Single Girl drinks way too much and worries me.

*Single Girl has a hard exterior with a soft mushy inside. She’s independent, intelligent, stubborn, girly, and a tad bit nerdy but not too much, she’s super crazy fun to be around and always there to back up her friends. Her greatest asset: She’s down to earth and easy to get along with. But her biggest flaw: she will always fall for the guys who would rather snub her than love her.

*Single Girl is too independent for men. We want to feel needed and feel like we have some control and she completely rips that away from us. She’s threatening.
*Single Girl has let a bitter past ruin future relationships.

*Single Girl doesn’t trust anyone or give them a chance.
*Single Girl is bossy.

*Crazy, female, drinks.
*Always has an excuse not to see me…

*Does Single Girl like anything other than horror slasher movies?
*She’s a bitch and tells it like it is. But isn’t that why we love her?

*Single girl doesn’t like nice guys like me…

*She obviously has low self esteem.
*Single girl needs to stop trying to save the world and start saving herself.

*Single girl is a cynical, brutal individual and I heart her for it.
*When the going gets tough… she runs.

*Single girl thinks she is a very strong independent person that can do anything and everything on her own but deep down she’s just a young woman who needs a good man to stand by her.
*Her bark is worse than her bite.

*She’s a person who is very strong stubborn minded. She’s got answers for everyone but herself. She picks the wrong guys and needs to change her outlook on life.
*Single Girl wants too much.

*Single Girl is a curmudgeon!

Friday, May 20, 2011

If you're playing the game, stick to the rules!

Apparently people do not understand the rules and process of talking, dating, relationship, fianc√© and marriage. I didn’t think it was that hard. But people do tend to dwell in the gray areas so let me make each situation clear for everyone. I have discussed this with many people and it is now a fact.  (Though as a friend of mine pointed out sex can happen in any of these stages it doesn’t mean you’re higher up on the ‘relationship’ chain. Because as we all know sex does not lead to anything more promised to us than that night/day of sex).

Talking- This occurs in the very beginning, when you first meet someone or feel a spark or attraction toward them. This starts with when you realize who you could be interested in may have a common interest in you and the two of you start texting or meeting for coffee something casual. You chat and get to know each other, better likes dislikes things you have in common and things you don’t. This is where you consider whether or not to actually date this person. During talking no one is bound to anyone. You can be “talking” to as many people as you want. No strings are attached with “talking”. There are no ties and you can completely stop “talking” to someone once you realize it is not going anywhere or you’re just not into them. However, if “talking” goes well you move on to the next step.

Dating-  Is the step that comes after you’ve “talked” for a bit and decide on going out in public together for longer periods of time. Dating is similar to talking but on a more comfortable level. You’ve surpassed drinks, uncomfortable conversations  and  are now going to dinner or movies  and seeing each other usually happens more often, yet do not be confused dating is NOT exclusive. It does not mean you belong to anyone! While dating you can in fact be dating other people. Dating is just a step in the game of love. Dating is not a permanent mark on the map it’s limbo. You’re not together but you’re not, not together.  This does not mean you can show up unannounced at their house or place of entertainment and expect them to be alone. Dating is tough but you must abide by the rules.  Because if someone else comes along while you’re dating one person you can easily stop dating them and move onto the new person or date them as well. The rules of dating are pretty much anything goes. All’s fair, except for obsessive stalker behavior from one party when other is not nearly as into or willing.

Relationship- This is where people get confused. This must be discussed and agreed upon you can’t just decide you’re in a relationship with someone and that’s that. You must actually talk about it and you MUST agree on it. In a relationship it is exclusive and there should be no one else. You can’t date other people while in relationships (unless that is agreed upon in the discussion at the beginning of the relationship). Once in a relationship your toothbrush can remain at the person’s house. But this does not mean you live with the person. It is simply a nice gesture for when you spend the night you can have the before bed and in the morning brush!  And it allows you to randomly show up at their house. Because you should know that you’re welcome there and they aren’t with anyone else (sexually anyways).  *Though I would still call in advance unless I was suspicious of their behavior.

Honestly I don’t think I should have to explain this but here goes: when you live with someone that you are IN a relationship with this must also be talked about and agreed upon. You CANNOT just slowly move yourself in expected to go unnoticed and think it will be alright. You talk about it and when it’s agreed upon you move in.  A fianc√© is someone who has actually proposed to you and you intend to get married. It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend you’ve been with for a long time. It’s a person who intends on marrying you… I hope that’s clear. Husband/wife means you have a marriage license by law you are bound together until divorce. A ceremony of some sort in a church or court house or in a field with witnesses and proper documentation has occurred. I thought people understood that but I was wrong, if you need more clarification then please email me we have bigger issues than just this.

Now to clear up to everyone I know… when I say “hanging out” I mean just that. It does not mean we’re talking or dating or anything really. Hanging out just means you and I are going to the same place at the same time and we’re going to laugh and have a good time.  Just because we hang out does NOT mean we’re having sex or even kissing…  Just so we’re clear. Guys tend to use the term “hanging out” as a way to avoid being rejected for a date. But that’s hanging out in that gray area and I don’t like that. Let’s all be clear and know where we stand.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The boy is MINE!!!!! And so is everything else for that matter...

The concept of sharing anything baffles me…   Even when I was a child and someone wanted to “share” my things I had no desire to give them up. Even if I knew they would eventually be returned back to my pile of toys I had been hoarding, I refused.
 My Mom tried to explain to me that just because you share something doesn’t mean it belongs to anyone else it means you’re kind and allowed them to use something that belongs to you. But if it belongs to me why do I need to share it? Why would something I own need anyone else to play with it? It was mine… I felt completely against sharing, the idea was crazy and I never truly grasped the concept of it. What’s mine is mine. And as I've gotten older I would like to say that I have become less selfish in life.... BUT.....
Still to this day I do not share.  My blankets on my bed have turned my bed into a war zone at times. The TV remote and the power of control has encouraged and enforced bloodshed among others.  Let’s not even discuss drinking all my Jack Daniels because it isn’t a pretty sight… With this non-sharing state of mind I cannot graps the idea of how people in relationships can “share” each other. I can't imagine... sharing anything makes me angry, let alone someone I'm "with"...

Don’t get me wrong I do not judge anyone for this. I have many friends both married and in long term relationships where this process actually works for them. And if it ain't broke don't fix it. I'm glad people have found ways to be happy together and enjoy things/people together however I just can't. I’m so selfish with what’s mine that the idea for me would be impossible. I couldn’t help but always wonder “Am I not enough?” My own self worth would come into question which would then piss me off. Am I too insecure for today’s evolving relationships?
Let’s face it many, many and might I add MANY men would jump on the idea of having another woman shared or in the bed occasionally, especially if given permission by their girlfriend or wife. But I wouldn’t be able to offer that. I could NOT ever be comfortable with that. I wouldn’t be able to think that was ok because I would wonder why he would need anyone other than me.  What was I lacking or not giving him that he would need another woman for?  

Then with a flip of a switch I would wonder why he would want to share me? If I’m so bothered by his willingness to be shared, how in the hell is he ok with allowing me to be shared? Why if he loved me so much would he want to allow anyone else to have me, to touch me or to be with me? Does he not really love me if he’s willing to share me and allow me to be involved with another person or is he just more secure than I am?
If I'm  just old fashioned and closed minded tell me...andI will accept that. There are a lot of things I will do (and have done) and a lot of things I will try (and have tried) but when it comes to being with someone… I just want them and I would hope that they just want me.  Nothing more nothing less. I want it all or nothing at all.

My final thoughts on sharing came from The Toddler creed. I believe it to this day… especially when it comes to people!

“If I want it,
If I give it to you and change my mind later,
If I can take it away from you,
If it's mine it will never belong to anybody else,
No matter what!"

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Jeepers! Scooby-Doo ruined my Life!! Zoinks!

I stop and wonder where I went wrong in life. How is it that I actually end up dating one loser after another?  I try to be selective and picky but when it comes down to it I date the same guy with a different face each time. Easily I could blame my parents, my loser dad, my man hating mother, but no when I think long and hard about it. I blame Scooby-Doo for all my relationship problems.

When you sit down and watch the cartoon (or even the terrible movie made a while back with Mathew Lillard whom I love) who comes to mind other than obviously Scooby-Doo? For a guy you’d probably say Daphne.  The long legs short skirt and long red hair, she was brilliant and beautiful. Which has set you up to love this “type” of girl… or at least try to love her.  But for a girl, Fred the obvious dating choice was far from entertaining. Nothing about Fred seems dateable. He was annoying at best. His cheesy smile, blonde hair, flared jeans and scarf around the neck was completely appalling. So what was left as a male figure? Shaggy!

Shaggy was hilarious. His sense of humor was amazing. His sarcastic wit and obsessive hunger made him a riot to watch. He was everyone’s buddy. Shaggy was the guy you wanted to hang out with, he was cool. Much more appealing than boring old Fred, whose sexuality I question to this day.  

Although Shaggy gave little effort into any ghost or monster hunt they actually went on, he continued to hang around and eat their food. Shaggy who was obviously a pot head with a constant case of the munchies and some major paranoia was the most appealing male figure in the show. Guys thought he was cool and girls thought he was awesome.  This is where I went wrong… I should have gone for the “Fred’s” of the world.

Shaggy is obviously a loser. Shaggy is the exact figure of everyone I’ve ever dated. No ambition, mooches off everyone he meets, is completely useless in life other than the occasional clever come back or sarcastic wit and I completely love him!  I adore Shaggy’s character both in the cartoon and in reality. Now that I realize this, it’s obvious I need therapy to correct this sadistic never ending cycle.  But therapy may not be enough in this case… I think I need to sit down with Hanna Barbera and their creative team and ask why they have set me up for such a disastrous lifestyle.

I need answers, where’s Velma when I need her?
"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Alone at a bar? What's a girl to do?

I always wondered why they tell women not to travel in packs, when going out. They always give advice to single girls that you should go out alone or it’s less likely you’ll be hit on. Apparently guys fear rejection (who doesn’t?) The more girls the more likely he is to get made fun of when he’s shot down.

Honestly, I think this makes no sense. I’m more likely to walk up to a group of men to talk to them than to single one out like a lioness on the prowl. It seems logical that the more ladies in one group the chances of one of them saying yes it much, much higher.  Apparently I do not know what I’m talking about.

It is true when I go out with my girl friends to bars that I may get looks but when I confront someone they say “With your friends you’re unapproachable” so I decided to test the going out alone idea and see what would come of it. After all, sitting at a bar alone isn’t the worst thing in the world right?

I go out alone to a bar. I still down on a stool and order my drink. The bar tender immediately pays more attention to me once he realizes I’m not meeting anyone here. I’m not saving a seat, I’m not watching the door and I’ve only checked the time twice. By the time the next drink has been ordered I do in fact start getting guys talking to me. However, the problem is that they’re also the person alone at the bar and there’s a reason for that.

I politely excuse myself from the man pouring his heart and soul out to me about his long lost love and his ex wife and their many children saying I see a friend across the room. I go to another seat at the bar and sit back down. Bar tender realizes I’ve moved makes witty comment and I go back to drinking my drink watching baseball.  Why am I watching baseball you ask? Well that’s just what happens to be playing on the many televisions they have along the walls.

Once again another lonely, at the bar alone sad soul comes to sit next to me. I will admit he’s much more interesting than the first guy, he’s at least funny.  By funny I mean completely drunk and making no sense. His speech is slurred and his swagger is a stagger of movements.  Though he did think he was the world’s most attractive man, he was invincible his liquid courage had surpassed my interest and I excused myself to the yet another part of the bar.

So after finishing another drink I ask the bar tender to cash me out. He laughs and says “Didn’t find what you were looking for?” And I reply that “I had indeed found something sadly it was research and nothing more.” He looks at me puzzled while handing me my bill when two new to the bar guys come and sit on each side of me. I’m signing my bill and one of the guys say “Oh leaving so soon… get the girl another drink…” 

As, we all know it is rude to turn down a free drink so I stayed. I kept my bill closed and put my own wallet away because I was finished.  I slowly sipped on my drink while Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum sat on each side of me talking around me, to me and about me at some points like I wasn’t even there. How lucky for me to be in the middle of two guys. The down fall they were complete idiots.  As I try to excuse myself thanking them for the drink the other one offers to buy me one.  I graciously decline only to get an attitude of complete surprise because how could I walk away from such great options.  Boy’s sanity… that’s how.

I start walking out the door and the bar tender motions me back telling me that one of the guys I did not talk to offered me a drink and his phone number. I laughed a little because you would think at this day and age we would be able to do our own work and not make the bar tender do it. I explain this to him he agrees I take the number as if I’d use it smile at the guy nod with the number like I had toasted him across the room.  The bar tender asked me “What research are you talking about?” I laugh and tell him how magazines say to go to a bar alone and you’re more likely to get hit on. And he looks at me and says “The only people who come to bars alone are sad… you don’t want that.”

In my experience he was right, I didn’t get hit on by a single person I was remotely interested but here’s the thing. Everyone enjoys a compliment. And always take a compliment whether you like where it came from or not.  I recommend every single girl going out to experience the alone at the bar theory. It may work out for you. Then again it may just make a great story to share with your friends.

“If you don’t try there’s a 100% chance you’ll fail. If you put yourself out there, then there’s a 50% chance they’re going to say yes.”

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I heard "cougars" were in...

Women treat aging like the plague. While most men welcome it. They become more appealing and we become the "older women". I'd knock off a few of my years if I could; however, that does not make some twenty year old or nineteen year old girl any better than I am. In fact I'm probably much better at everything. I just won't be stupid and let you walk all over me.

Hell, the day I turned 21 I was too old for Nicolas Cage... seriously?????

I will spend my 25th birthday (plus 3) having dinner with my friends and then hitting the town the next three nights in a row. I may be aging but I can get into all the cool bars!

So, cheers to the ladies who are aging gracefully and crying with each added candle. You are beautiful and you're wonderful. Be a cougar grab the young one's they're sex drive is as high as ours is now. 18 year old man and a late twenties early thirties woman apparently have the best sex. As of now I do not know. But as my dating pool becomes smaller the 18 year olds are getting closer to dating me. (wink wink)

"Having another birthday is better than the alternative."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

You came with me, left with her but I get all the credit.

I don’t know why but when I’m on a horrible date I can’t bring myself to end them. I just let them play out knowing it can’t and won’t get any better than it is at any given horrible moment during the beginning. I’ve even gone so far to have the friend call during the date in case I needed a backup plan to escape and never gone through with it.  I suppose I figure I got myself into the mess I might as well finish the dinner that I’m probably going to have to pay for and see what happens.
One of the more recent bad dates I experienced was “meeting for drinks” that turned out to be a four hour event.  I don’t sit well for any amount of time let alone four hours on a bar stool. So during this time I began giving him dating tips, by tips I mean things he could do or use to be better with girls. How can anyone not get the hint if I’m trying to help him get other girls? But regardless of inability to recognize the obvious I decided to make him a project. I was going to help him understand girls better. After all this drink had been long gone for an hour now so I knew I had some time to kill.
Dating tip number one: girls prefer face to face conversations where men prefer side by side conversations. If you’re meeting for the first time girls suck it up and sit at the bar you’ll learn more about the guy side by side (it’s less intense, less on the spot pressure). Guys please don’t ignore the girl sitting next to you and stare forward the whole time. We do like be noticed. When you start making more eye contact side by side you’re probably doing well on the date. 
Tip number two: Play close attention to body language. If a girl is leaning towards a guy or has her body positioned at an angle towards him she’s into him. If the opposite is happening she’ll be looking elsewhere for her next date. Our bodies are pro-sex whether we are or not, our minds set up the ability to have sex whether you’re going to or not by key signs. You may not notice that you’re doing these things but watch couples at restaurants or bars; you’ll see what I mean. You can tell who’s making it and who’s just not cutting it.
Tip number three: I do not want to hear about your ex and why you think you’re single… chances are you will put these ideas into my head if I haven’t figured them out already.  Be real and in the moment. The first time someone meets you is what lasts, be upfront but charming. Do not dwell on your past mistakes because you’ll end up making this another one.
Tip four: Confidence is key. Don’t be cocky, but be awesome. Sell yourself. Make me want to be with you!
And my final tip: For every time you talk to a girl (or a guy) there’s a fifty fifty chance that they will say “yes”. Don’t be afraid to strike out. Ask as many people, talk to as many people as you can. Be a social creature and get out there!
With that I slammed the last drink down and said to him, “By the way that girl at the table with her friends has been watching you. Why don’t you go talk to her and see if you hit it off. She’s cute and I bet my advice will help.” And I walked away feeling slightly bitchy and yet proud of the fact that I helped him. As I was driving home a good 45 minute drive, a half an hour into it I get a text from said bad date which reads:
“Thank you so much for the advice. It worked. I’m going to dinner with her now. And she’s already put her number in my phone. Oh, if I have any questions can I call you for help?”
As I pat myself on the back I realize I took another single man off the market but yet I’m still single… This happens a lot. I need to rethink my dating style.
“You win some, you lose some. Single guys 1,678,567,890,345,678 - This single girl 0”

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Sex + occasional dinner = Relationship? WRONG!

This one is dedicated to another single lady. You know who you are and know what you want. If someone is not willing to give that to you then they do not deserve you at all!
Though I would love to claim that I did in fact date Mr. P for a year and half, it just simply isn’t the case. Let me start with how we met and that my friends will set up for how this “relationship” came about.  For those of you who actually don’t know me I do have tattoos. I do like tattoos and I do LOVE men with tattoos. That being said on a rainy day in May a few years ago my cousin and I decided to get tattoos.
We had planned to get “Remember” tattooed on our body as a tribute to someone we both care very much about but that is not the point of the story so that will be shared another time. I decided to have “Remember” tattooed over my heart with a little heart locked beside it. However, when I sat down to be tattooed we were in fact faced with the problem that my chest/heart area was also my boob. And that’s how I met Mr. P. He tattooed my boob. Felt me up the very first time I met him, slyly gave me his cell phone number on a tattoo business card.
Romantic? Absolutely… not but it was different and exciting to me. We began texting and “dating”. I say “dating” because I can count the number of times we were in public together (outside of being tattooed) on one hand. He and I probably spent more time having sex than anything else. And I will be completely honest it was the best sex I have ever had with anyone. Not that I have many notches on my belt but in comparison to others he was definitely number one.
I figured this was great. “Dating” and having sex leads to relationships right? Wrong, all wrong ladies! Is it possible that it does? Sometimes but in most cases like this no. The more I pushed for a relationship the more excuses as to why he couldn’t be in one with me he gave me. He had been hurt and was damaged by another girl, he was afraid that he would lose me if we got too serious too quickly, he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else but just wasn’t ready to completely be with me, he had a lot going on in his life and wouldn’t want to neglect me, that when he was ready he hoped that we would be together forever but the timing was bad. All these excuses while still having sex with me and I didn’t complain because it was great sex and I figured eventually he would come around.  He did after all make very valid points. And “dating” plus sex eventually had to lead to something more. Right????? Wrong, no it never did.
On and off for a year and a half we meet had sex and would talk about one day being in a relationship. But it never came to that point. We had amazing sex, he said the greatest things, we had so much in common and yet nothing happened. We never went beyond the fuck phase into anything public or even the slightest big caring… 
In the final month of this process I went to see Mr. P at a tattoo shop and he did some work for me. Hugging me and telling me how much he missed me and cared about me and how we need to get together soon. He was a very sexual person and we did have sex in the tattoo shops he worked in, quite a few times, as well as other random places.
That day was of course no different he was all about doing having sex, but I began to wonder what if I don’t have sex with you anymore. What then? If I hold out will you still have any interest in me at all? I wanted to believe that this was definitely more than just sex. I really wanted too but I became worried that, sex was all I would ever get from Mr. P. Though it was great I wanted more…
 That day I chose to pass up on awesome sex with this man I thought I could be in a relationship with and could really see myself staying with. While claiming I was on my period and it would be awkward in the piercing room he still insisted and I declined graciously.  He walked me to my car and we had an awesome make out session as usual. Again telling me how much he needed me, wanted me… blah blah blah. I replied to him with some quirky wit that we could see each other more often in a relationship or if we went out on dates more often. He agreed and gave me his usual speech. Hugged me and said goodbye.
That very night (my foot still swollen and oozing tattoo juice) I get a text from him saying “Single girl, I have met someone. She’s my girlfriend we can’t do that shit anymore. But I hope we can still be friends.” A fucking text! He couldn’t be in a relationship with me but the minute I turn down sex he has a girlfriend? And had seen me that day telling me a completely different story and saying we should have sex at that very moment. My replies were not pretty or lady like in any way. I called him a coward for not telling me to my face and having to send a text to me, along with many other very harsh words.
And what is the moral of this story? Fuck buddies don’t lead to relationships. If he’s avoiding the relationship and the topic of it he doesn’t want to be with you. A man who wants a woman will find a way to be with her, he will go to great lengths to have her. Regardless of what’s happening in his life if he likes you and really wants to be with you he will make it happen (if it’s mutual of course). Men feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.
Or we could say the moral of this story is if you want to continue to get free tattoos keep fucking your tattoo artist even if he has a girlfriend and never send him hate texts. Those two things combined will in fact end any free ink you will receive in the future. Just sayin’…
“Refer to: He’s Just not that into You. The book or movie will be helpful.” 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Nipple Rubbing S-O-B!!!!!!!!

I know we all have our own ‘thing’ that’s gets us off. These “things” we enjoy may or may not fall far from the typical sexually stimulating preferences other people have. I have experienced a few of the people who typically fall further away from the norm than I would like to admit but one tops the charts of weird in my book.

It’s no secret straight men love nipples and boobs. So you’re probably thinking that any nipple rubbing son of a bitch can’t be that far off the charts? Well how about their own nipples? Does that make it weirder? When a man enjoys having his own nipples rubbed on? Well friends, I can still top that….
I dated/tolerated/was tormented by this guy for a few months. And I’m not claiming I’m innocent or completely perfect in any given relationship but in this one I was nearing Saint Hood! We all know my love for the asshole jerk and that he was right down to the tip of his tiny penis. We’ll call him Nips.
Now, Nips sad to say often had a hard time… well… getting hard. This of course became my fault because he was a jerk but reality was that he wasn’t psychologically sound enough to have any kind of intimacy or fuck fest with anyone, except of course himself. One night after an extremely long time of me trying to help him and him being a complete wet noodle he says to me “Back off, I’ll do it myself my own way….” (And yes I’m stressing ‘my own way’)
Which by this point every part of my body was tired of rubbing touching and hunching. I gladly welcomed his attempt, thinking that I too know exactly what to do for myself to reach that point, and this will make the process quicker. Everyone knows what they like and sometimes more often than not you’re able to get it done almost immediately. (If you do not I suggest you figure it out because one day you might need to help someone help you)
So I lay there in my bed next to him and I look over and he’s caressing his nipple ever so softly while swirling his penis in a circle… He licks his finger and continues to rub on his nipple and as weird as this may sound it was actually working. Thinking this is a sign for me to join in I go back to trying to assist and he says to me “Don’t touch me… fuck now I have to start all over again… You can’t touch me when I’m doing this. I have to concentrate and focus on the stimulation.”
 Now I had never had a problem with any other guy being completely turned on by me lending a helping hand or touching them so this had me dumbfounded. I rolled back over and he again started the same process of nipple rubbing, finger licking, more nipple rubbing and penis swirling in a circle. So, I lay there awkwardly for what seems like an hour and he says “It’s working… get ready” to which I’m annoyed and think “Yeah? Ready for what…” he stops nipple rubbing and immediately loses it. Hello limp dick. 
I lay there completely unimpressed by this situation and hope that eventually he will give up and I’ll just go without sex for the night. And he continues. I have never in all my life been completely ignored while naked and yet it was happening. He was completely engrossed in himself especially his nipple and only the right one. Maybe because he was right handed so that hand had to do the penis swirl while the left became the obvious choice for the right nipple easier to lick and reach I suppose….
I tried to not let this affect my self esteem because obviously he REALLY wanted to have sex with me or he would not have put so much weird effort into it while I laid there seemingly invisible. I became only a bystander in my own bedroom happenings.  At this point I’m wondering why I’m even there and why I continue to watch what I have now decided is a sick ritual of self gratification. His chubby but not man boob hairy nipple was receiving more attention in my own bed. How dare it take my place… and why am I jealous of a fucking nipple?
I may have been able to ignore this whole night had it not become a habit and ritual nightly. HIS inability to maintain an erection without rubbing on his own nipple was a bit of a downer… and the fact that I could not touch or be a part of this seemed odd.  And like I have stated before when in a relationship I prefer to have sex nightly… so this was a problem I was dealing with sometimes more than twice a day.
He was persistent that I could have no part in the ritual. So finally one night before we were going to bed, knowing what was about to happen I look at him and say “I’m going to watch this movie you go on and get started I’ll be there when it’s over… we both have plenty of time.”
Needless to say… we didn’t last much longer. So here’s to Nips, may he enjoy himself and focus on the stimulation night after night alone because he obviously doesn’t need any help in that area!
“It’s true what they say, if you want something done right… Do it yourself!”

Friday, May 6, 2011

We're not worthy! We're scum, we suck... (Wayne's World quote)

As I’m talking to a friend of mine, I realize I can’t accept a compliment.  I can’t believe that anyone would have anything nice to say about myself. I don’t feel that I deserve it.  That I’m worthy of anything good, compliment or relationship, I do not deserve anymore than I am or have.
Which leads me to think this is why I unintentionally purposefully find unavailable, unobtainable, unemotional, jerks and fall madly in love with them. You give me a guy that will ignore me and completely ignore my existence as a human being and when he does realize I’m  around treat me terribly and I’m his for the taking. I want to be completely absorbed by him forever.
And I know that’s impossible for that “type” of guy to do. I want them because they’ll treat me horribly, never compliment me, and inevitably leave me. I am a glutton for punishment. I inflict this on myself. I’m drawn to it and burned by it every time. My psyche is all out of whack and unconsciously I fall victim to my own lack of self worth and allow myself to be treated poorly. Is it possible that I never learn?
It’s not that I haven’t learned anything by this pattern; I just now recognize it and am able to admit that, I feel unable to be emotionally sound enough to be loved. Which I’m sure everyone would admit has to be a hard concept to grasp let alone confess. But it’s true. I do not feel worthy.
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?”