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Sunday, June 10, 2012

It must be a marine thing…

As I read a copy of, The 21st Century’s Guide to Casual Sex,  began thinking how guilty women are of doing some of the exact same behavior as described in the book. No I won’t go into sorted details because I actually want you to read it. But I will say this, as women we are just as bad as men when it comes to using the opposite sex.

As women the use of men may be in different ways, using someone doesn’t always have to mean sexually. Some use men to fill a the void of not getting attention from men in their lives, others prefer their money or lavish gifts and more often than not a woman will take a million compliments from a man she has no interest in simply because he is willing to tell her what she wants to hear. No woman can dispute the fact that sometimes we use them for our own selfish reasons. Yet, we continuously hate on men for using us, is because their needs of using us differ from our own?

You may remember that I wrote about having the horrible sex with the man in the Christmas boxers, if I didn’t tell you then I’m telling you now, he was a marine.  What does it matter, at the time I didn’t think it did. What does one military service have over another? I have no idea, though they will tell you (in any branch) that one is obviously more superior than the other, coming back to that whole whose penis is bigger macho argument. When I would say a penis is a penis, you both have one get over it. That’s how I felt about the military; you all serve the same country, you all are wonderful services to the American people now let’s move on. However, after I met Man and went out with him not once, not twice but three times I would have to say that Marines are now at the bottom of my list, holding a very close second the Navy for obvious past relationship reasons.

The sad part of this situation is that I don’t even remember Man’s name. And the only clever nick name I could give him was “Man” and simply because he had a pet dog that he referred to as “Dog” so it seems suitable to refer to him as “Man”. I remember he had amazing blue eyes and was a very smooth talker. He reminded me slightly of someone I once loved so I really and I mean REALLY tried to like him. After all he did make it past one date. That’s got to count for something.

Well Man was as I said an active Marine, made decent money as shown by his material items and the way he dressed and smelled (nothing better than a man who smells good, he can be a bum as long as he smells good instant bonus points). He was also a gentleman in public opening not only doors to the buildings for me but my car door as well as I slid down into his Audi TT. He would hold out his hand as he opened the car door to help me out and then even walk hand in hand with me into the fancy dinning places we always ended up. He had game or he really liked me, but there was something that I was lacking. There was something that I couldn’t figure out on dates one or two. Why after having decent dates and intelligent conversation couldn’t I like “Man”. I sought advice from every friend I had: female, male, lesbian, gay it didn’t matter they all said the same thing “There’s no chemistry, Single girl get over it and move on.”

But I wanted there to be chemistry. I wanted to like Man because he was good to me, he treated me well and he was pretty awesome standing next to. Arm and arm I’d say we could have been a power couple and taken on the world but when it came to sparks and butterflies I couldn’t find them. The things that he did that I enjoyed couldn’t compare to the things men that I had loved without all the money without all the materialistic possessions and flashy dining did for me. So I had two choices, I could be upfront with Man and tell him he was amazing and I knew a million girls that would kill to be with him or I could have sex with him and hope to find that attraction that I was missing.  Think, think, think… what’s a single girl to do?

My logic who really believes those speeches about being awesome and anyone being lucky to have you… and after all before you decide to buy a car you test drive it to make sure you like it and if you’re still unsure maybe you take it  around one more block, right? Logically, Single girl isn’t always right. But just like men, we do things that are irrational and may look a lot like “using” from the outside. I wouldn’t call it that, more like a match. If a match doesn’t light up on fire the first time you try again, second time you try again and third time well you hope you get a spark. Man was my match and I was looking for fire. And as we all know when you play with fire you’re going to get burned.

After another wonderful spark-less date, Man came back to my house and he picked a movie for us to watch on Netflix. (Which I have to add, that I truly from the bottom of my heart do LOVE my Netflix. See how easily we toss the word love around…) I think he chose the original Night of the Living Dead or something along that nature. For normal people that may not have been the right setting for anything sexual but I’m not typical I love horror movies and I had seen it before, winning!

On my couch Man sat with me as I snuggled up to him, I was going to have to make the first move. Oh, what’s this? Man may be a gentle man outside but when it came time to get down to business he knew exactly what buttons to push. So, I’m thinking this is going to work out perfectly. Through the house we go and make it into my bedroom. I played the victim “We shouldn’t be doing this.” and “We need to wait.” Men like to think they’re able to seduce us, it’s a powerful thing to encourage someone to have sex with you when they’re trying so hard not to. But in my mind I was like ok let’s get this on. Let’s go Man show me what you’ve got. He wasn’t using me, I was using him.

The sex was a complete failure, I faked it to be done (because he wanted to make sure that I came and enjoyed myself before he did) and then it happened. He came, the flood gates opened and it was a torrential down poor. Then something hit me, the smell was terrible. His spunk and all its fury smelled like something dying, something that I cannot even begin to describe. Death and garbage filled my room and I immediately hopped up to head to bathroom to clean myself off. I was disturbed and disgusted what in the hell had just happened how could and odor so bad come from a man who during normal day smelled so good?  I showered I had to get it away I had to make the smell stop.

After a thorough scrubbing I went back to my bedroom and the smell lingered. He lay there in my bed and apparently had no intention of leaving. I stumbled around what to say and asked him if he had to work in the morning (knowing very well that he did in fact have to report about 0700. He asked me to set my alarm for him. Think quick single girl think quick…..

“Since you have to be up so early… why don’t you take a shower so you won’t have to get up earlier?” One of two things are going to happen, he’s going to say no politely leave or he’s going to shower and I can de-funk my bed. Of course he chose to shower. I spent that short ten minutes disinfecting my entire room. Thank God for Lysol! When I say everything I mean everything I sprayed my bed, sheets, pillows and anything near my bed that could have been contaminated.  He came back, curled up next to me and I cringed. He didn’t smell, the room didn’t smell but once you smell something so terrible it’s stuck in your nose forever. I didn’t sleep well. Off and on I would wake up and still find Man completely content curled up to me in bed.

When my alarm went off for him, I expected a nice goodbye I’ll talk to you later, have a great day at work. What did I get?  

“Single girl, I’ve got time to kill how about another go at it?”

Single girl got morning sex. And even after two completely clean bodies the smell returned. He kissed me goodbye and I began my ritual of showering until my skin fell off. This time I threw my sheets away. Sprayed Lysol on my mattress and my entire room once again, then never returned a text from him.

How do you tell a guy I can’t date you because your sperm makes me want to throw up? What would you say if someone said “Your spunk is funky!”

I can only be thankful for one thing, that I didn’t take the south route,( which I normally enjoy) before going straight into having sex.

Two marines, two bad sexually experiences? It can’t be a coincidence, it must be a Marine thing.

*side note I just remembered his name ( I felt bad for a minute…)