Reality Check each night immediately followed by laying down in bed....

Now that I’ve deleted all my dating sites I’m a little lost in the dating worldg. I think this is the first time in a VERY long time that I haven’t been “talking” to someone or “texting” or having some form of communication with a man of some interest. This has made me realize a few things:

1.       I have no life. I work which allows me to avoid any

real life. Make any connections with anyone, truly

to avoid any pain it may cause me. I work and go home

and work some more. A plus side to this I have

been spending more quality time with my family.

Cleaning my house (kind of) and reading.  I have found

comfort in reading at night while I cannot sleep.

        Reading has replaced my texting conversations at
        night.I used to text men I was talking to until I could         finally fall asleep.
Night time is definitely  the  loneliest part of the day.

At night is when I think about the people I’ve lost, the people I’ve encountered and the horrible things that have happened to me haunt me, as if they were projected on my ceiling constantly replaying them. I don’t focus on the negative but at the end of the day, with an empty house, shut away in the dark, feeling completely alone in the entire world, they seem to lurk into my mind and keep me awake. These people, these things, they are haunting my waking hours as much as they do my dreams.

2.       Having this time to clear my head before jumping into anything with any man, even just casual texting has made me realize what I have lost in the past. And that I do love him. I questioned it while we were together. I wondered if I actually did. And it’s not because I’m lonely; there have been other guys I’ve talked to since and could have strung along for the ride if I just didn’t want to be lonely. But I didn’t do that. I stopped. I moved on and let them go. Because that isn’t fair to anyone. After all of it I really do love him. And why do I? I am in complete control of myself, the only person I can control is me so I've been told. Then why can't I tell my head and heart "Single girl don't be stupid, you can't love him! NOT HIM!"

3.       Loving him doesn’t change anything at all. Especially his mind.

And because there isn’t anything I can do about that. I’ve decided to do whatever I can do for me. I’m going to go back to school. I’m going to get hobbies. I’m going to have some sort of life… I just have to decide now what I want to do with my life… and what I want to spend it on. After all we only get one....