Hang up the "Good girl" cape and strap on something modern...

All my life I’ve been a good girl. Immediately the pop song “What the hell” jumps into my head and the lyrics “All my life I’ve been good but now I’m thinking what the hell. All I want is to mess around!”

 I held on to my virginity until I was nearly 19 years old. I was raised to believe it was something to hold on to and save for the “right” person. I waited until I found the guy I thought I would “love” forever and while that lasted six years of my life it came to an end. After letting go of my “V” card I still tried to save every sexual experience (minus one or two) for people that I legitimately cared about.

Now the only thing on my mind is that I could have wasted valuable years of having sex. I could have been bed hopping making memories good and bad that I would look back on years from now and think “Ah the good old days of being young and having fun”.  But I’m not getting any younger!   What has this life of being a prude gotten me?

I have guarded my vagina like Fort Knox, no one is getting in there without references and identification but now I wonder why.  My clever Mother tried to tell me that a good guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl who has been around the block so many times or that “gives it up right away” and that may be true in some cases. Even though when I asked her about it she was stumped and had to think extremely hard about a good reason to discourage me from becoming a 30 year old sexual prowess.

I’ve held out on people and also lost their interest. A person can judge me by number of sexual experiences and lose interest.  Right or wrong a person losing interest in me can go either way. Nothing I do is going to make every guy happy. If I revirginize myself and take cold showers every day where will that get me? On the other hand, experiencing more has many positives and very few negatives. Is it time to hang my good girl cape up and strap on something a little more modern?

I’m 30 and I have a small number but what do I have to show for it? There isn’t an award for low sexual partners and I’ve turned down what could have been amazing sex or at least a good blog for what? Eventually I will reach the age where I won’t be chased by multiple guys and I won’t have daily opportunities to have sex. Will I look back and feel like I missed out on my own sexual revolution? Will I feel that I passed up chances and experiences and feel a void where my promiscuous behavior should have been?

Maybe it isn’t too late;  I’ve always heard a woman’s sexual peak starts at 30….

“When I’m good I’ very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.” Mae West

 
 

I was such a girl.... OMG

Tonight I was a girl. Though as strange as that may seem I pride myself in being a little like the typical female as possible. All the typical female parts are into play but normally I find myself geared towards the opposite of shoe shopping, over expensive makeup and clothes that have labels I can’t pronounce let alone own. I don’t giggle and I will not act stupid to please you.

I spent my night, treating my damaged hair,  watching love triangle and romance movies- which never happens and if you tell I will hunt you down and recreate a scene from one of the many gore infested films I normally watch. I was reminded almost immediately why I don’t watch those movies. They make my life seem even more like shit and worthless than the typical day. Ladies it’s torture, just watch scary movies. Everyone dies especially the lovers!

I also took time to deep condition my hair and some other beauty regimens. I have spent my nights and weekends selling porn, adult toys, Hustler apparel and lingerie and sex to the masses. And yet I’m not getting any at all. My “Hustler” game is fantastic; too bad I’m not getting any sex. It’s a common misconception that people working around porn and sex toys have sex all the time. Most of us…. Are sexually frustrated… So if you have questions about great products I can help and will give you and honest opinion.

But I catch myself wandering back to the past. Did I live there in comfort, have I ever really loved anyone or am I simply passing the time until I can’t take dating any more.

I often wonder what makes me who I am, how do I become this person that leads a very dull and void existence. At times I want that girlie life, I want to curl up on the couch and watch movies and just be completely comfortable. I used to believe that comfort was enough. That simply being content in a relationship would stand the test of time and I was young and naïve. I honestly believed, you found someone worth tolerating and that was good “enough”.

I despise that ‘good enough’ comment I have sense grown into a mature idea of what a relationship should be but I just don’t think it’s for me. I am not heartless I just choose to use my heart less. Call me evil, cynical, soulless, jaded and so be it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me in my life, for good or bad, I am who I am.  And people are probably better off without me. I bare my soul to save yours……

How many times have I pushed people away, turned my back walked away and burned a bridge? How many times have I hurt people because I could? I will hurt you, I will do it over again and sometimes I honestly won’t mean too but there will be times that I mean to puncture through your heart. Is it a control thing? Is it simply my crazy coming out? Words can destroy a person if they only slightly care, imagine what it can do for someone who’s fallen. I am not worthy. Do not give me such power.

I don’t let go of the past. It is my ultimate downfall. I will not let go of anger, resentment and I will hold that grudge that you probably have assumed I had forgotten about. Just know that when you need me, I probably won’t be there. I won’t come running to your rescue. I am not a savior and I am definitely not a saint. I will probably bring you down

Things I know are true...

There isn’t much in our crazy world that I know to be true, bad dates, funky smelling sex and bad teeth are a few of those things. I'm quite the fly paper for the challenged; however, I am a thinker as well and I question things on a daily basis. Right and wrong under the right circumstances can switch sides. There is so much black and white in this world but I find many shades of gray (way more than fifty for those of you who thought that) in the middle that seem unclear but here are the things that I know to be true.

1.       Strangers you pass by on the street can be nicer to you in that moment than friends you’ve known your whole life.

2.       A dollar you earn is much better than money you are given.

3.       Money you spend on others is better than money stored in a bank.

4.       A smile really is universal.

5.       You can’t make anyone love you no matter how many time you move the stars, alter time and change the world. If they really love you back, you won’t HAVE to do those things but when you do they won’t go unnoticed.

Never under estimate the kindness of a stranger. Sometimes they can be the person that makes your day, turns your life around and gets you back on track. I have ran into someone multiple times and I do not know his name and he does not know mine but he is up lifting and always has a smile on his face and greets me kindly. He talks to me about the goodness in people and how we tend to focus on the bad. He smiles, laughs, makes friendly conversation and that is that. I have friends I’ve known for years who I haven’t had such nice conversations with. 

I never thought I would say it but it really is true, when you work for something the reward is that much greater. Knowing that I did it alone that I managed to earn money instead of having it handed to me makes me feel like I contribute.  There are days when I hate work. There are days when I say “I should have been born rich.” However, the struggle has made me who I am today making me appreciate my earnings that much more.

I was raised to help others. If I have five dollars in my pocket and you need six, I’ll give you the five and try my best to get the other dollar you need, even if I scrape my change together and that’s the last bit of money I have I will help you. I can’t take it with me when I die and maybe you need it much more than I do and maybe just maybe someone will be kind enough to do the same for me one day if I find myself in need.

Awhile back while trying to offer help to a group of people from Japan with a major language barrier between us I remember trying my best to talk to them. They hardly understood a word if any that I said and yet I kept trying. But each time I smiled they smiled back. Each time they smiled I returned the smile. And when they were ready to leave the all turned to me and smiled, bowed and left.  They understood that I was friendly but couldn’t understand my words. They understood that I was kind and wanted to help simply because I smiled. The saying is true; always smile because you never know who could be falling in love with it.

“I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you!” and in the end Sarah still doesn’t love the Goblin King. You can drive yourself crazy trying to make someone love you in return. You can go to the ends of the Earth, move mountains and carry their load on the weight of your shoulders and it won’t matter at all because they can’t force themselves to love you. Love is uncontrollable and often unkind. It makes the rich beg and the good turn bad, and as many times as I can say “I love you” as many ways I can show “I love you” it will not matter if you don’t love me. The best one can hope for is that you get the chance to tell someone how you feel, hope they feel the same; however, if they do not at least they know. You were brave enough, strong enough and open enough to tell them.

 Now let them go. You won’t stop loving them, that often never goes away but you can’t hold on to someone who was never yours to begin with. Let them go and if you fall to pieces simply pick them up and force that smile that someone, somewhere will fall madly in love with.