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Monday, March 18, 2013

I was such a girl.... OMG

Tonight I was a girl. Though as strange as that may seem I pride myself in being a little like the typical female as possible. All the typical female parts are into play but normally I find myself geared towards the opposite of shoe shopping, over expensive makeup and clothes that have labels I can’t pronounce let alone own. I don’t giggle and I will not act stupid to please you.
I spent my night, treating my damaged hair,  watching love triangle and romance movies- which never happens and if you tell I will hunt you down and recreate a scene from one of the many gore infested films I normally watch. I was reminded almost immediately why I don’t watch those movies. They make my life seem even more like shit and worthless than the typical day. Ladies it’s torture, just watch scary movies. Everyone dies especially the lovers!
I also took time to deep condition my hair and some other beauty regimens. I have spent my nights and weekends selling porn, adult toys, Hustler apparel and lingerie and sex to the masses. And yet I’m not getting any at all. My “Hustler” game is fantastic; too bad I’m not getting any sex. It’s a common misconception that people working around porn and sex toys have sex all the time. Most of us…. Are sexually frustrated… So if you have questions about great products I can help and will give you and honest opinion.
But I catch myself wandering back to the past. Did I live there in comfort, have I ever really loved anyone or am I simply passing the time until I can’t take dating any more.
I often wonder what makes me who I am, how do I become this person that leads a very dull and void existence. At times I want that girlie life, I want to curl up on the couch and watch movies and just be completely comfortable. I used to believe that comfort was enough. That simply being content in a relationship would stand the test of time and I was young and na├»ve. I honestly believed, you found someone worth tolerating and that was good “enough”.
I despise that ‘good enough’ comment I have sense grown into a mature idea of what a relationship should be but I just don’t think it’s for me. I am not heartless I just choose to use my heart less. Call me evil, cynical, soulless, jaded and so be it. I am a product of everything that has happened to me in my life, for good or bad, I am who I am.  And people are probably better off without me. I bare my soul to save yours……
How many times have I pushed people away, turned my back walked away and burned a bridge? How many times have I hurt people because I could? I will hurt you, I will do it over again and sometimes I honestly won’t mean too but there will be times that I mean to puncture through your heart. Is it a control thing? Is it simply my crazy coming out? Words can destroy a person if they only slightly care, imagine what it can do for someone who’s fallen. I am not worthy. Do not give me such power.
I don’t let go of the past. It is my ultimate downfall. I will not let go of anger, resentment and I will hold that grudge that you probably have assumed I had forgotten about. Just know that when you need me, I probably won’t be there. I won’t come running to your rescue. I am not a savior and I am definitely not a saint. I will probably bring you down


  1. "Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time."

    "We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders."

    Maya Angelou

  2. So I've read a few of your "blogs", I've seen what you post on facebook, and have even read one of your online dating profiles. Girl, you need to just go ahead and buy you a box of kittens and except the fact that no man is going to live up to what you want. You sound like an ultra butch feminist that does nothing but bitch about men and then wonder why no man wants her.

    As a single man, let me give you some addvice. Jump down off that soap box and work for a man. I've seen your pictures, it's not hard to lose a little weight. Just eat better, cut out soda and buy some diet pills. Easily 15 pounds right there. Next, change that fucking additude of yours. Quit being so whoa as me and start looking for a man instead of turning down every guy that hits on you. Next, find a better job. As you said in your "blog," when men see someone that works at hustler you have already got a reputation. You might as well be a stripper. Men think, "hey she sells sex toys and has seen a lot of porn. Bet she's a nympho." It's sad but it's true. Lastly, I know you have been through some shitty things in your life but you need to move past that. We've all have horrible things happen. If you never move on, you will never be able to be happy.

    You can take my addvice or you can delete this, either way you need to change and head down to the pound for your cat lady starter kit...

  3. Well Single Man,
    I actually have no intention of deleting your comment. I'm not ashamed of what you said simply because I laughed at it.

    I have a "real" job, a career actually that I went to college for, a career that has been part of my life for nearly 12 years! However, why not get a part time job and try something new? Did I enjoy working at Hustler yes I did. I met great people and it is a fun environment. If you met them you'd realize that your idea of the people who work at Hustler is extremely far fetched. We're knowledgable about sex, I can tell you the best toys to buy and even help you lace up your lingerie, but nympho? No, none of us are, sorry to burst your fantasy. Why would you care if we were?

    If you follow me on facebook, stalk my dating profiles and continue to read my blog you must LOVE TO HATE ME or not really hate me at all. Just delete me, block me, ignore that I exist. No one, especially not me has ever forced you to read anything I write.

    Call me fat, call me a cat lady, you wrote anonymously. Do you really think I worry about what someone says who doesn't even have the guts to name themselves?

    What you don't read is the good dates that I have, I don't post those, they're mine and private. You get the bad ones, creepy ones and weird ones. I refuse to share the good with the masses. Why would I give that away? More people can relate to a bad date and can laugh at them... I'm sorry that you lack any sense of humor.

    I change daily. I'm random. But you're right about one thing I will never change for you. So continue to stalk my facebook, blog and dating profile. Much love to you! You are what good blogs are made of!