Shhhhhhhhhhhh! It's a secret. I promise I won't blog about it! Mr Military!

So that thing that I promised NEVER to blog about, well here it goes.

This borderlines the how far is too far to go? What actually becomes to intimate to share with others?  Obviously not this……

At first when I promised I wouldn’t ever blog about it, I followed it with “As long as you never hurt me, or do anything weird you have nothing to do worry about.” Well FAIL, Mr. Military you hurt me so now it’s too funny NOT to blog about.

 I had been dating Mr. Military for a few months and things were going well, regular daily/nightly sex, hanging out with friends, quality time with each other, he held my hand in public, a genuine awesome guy. (Apparently I’m an idiot)

Then suddenly, we stopped having sex.  I would try and be shot down. He was tired. He had a headache. Excuses, excuses, excuses! Like an old couple we went to bed and went to sleep. That was it. I enjoy sex and I did enjoy it with him so when that was taking away from me I wasn’t extremely thrilled.

Finally, I was frustrated, and I said* “I feel like a guy. I always want to have sex with you and you’re always turning me down. We’re too early in the relationship to be “too tired” or “have headaches” all the time.”

He was obviously not very pleased with the fact that I had talked to my friends about how we didn’t have sex anymore. What can I say? Girls talk and I didn’t understand and wanted advice.  What could have turned so cold so fast? And he looked at me and said

 “You tell your friends about our sex life?” Hello duh! I’m a girl. Of course I talk to them about it and in this case the lack there of it. All my friends know when I’m in a relationship it must happen daily. It’s the way I am. Relationships are more than sex, I completely understand that. But I only have sex when I’m in a relationship so it’s necessary!

*“Yes, but that’s so not the point. The point is you never want to have sex anymore. What is it?”

“If I tell you something………”

Longest moment of silence in history, I just sat there with this concerned yet evil glare on my face, hoping for the best and yet expecting the worst.

“Do you promise not to blog about it? Because if you are going too then I’m not going to tell you.”

LOL –FOR REAL!

*“Well as long as you never hurt me or do anything weird I wouldn’t blog about something that you didn’t want me too. Besides I never use names…. I’m kidding.” <truth

“Well about a week ago, I went to the medic because I’m having a problem. And I didn’t want to tell you about it until I was sure.”

*“Sure of what? What kind of problem?” Now immediately I thought he was having the getting it up problem. I had a relationship like that before as well so I could understand that with the stress and importance of his job. I could help him through that.

“That’s the part I hate telling you. I have this…. This… well…. rash, the medic said it’s a heat rash.”

*“ON YOUR PENIS?”

“Yes…………”
“But it should go away. I thought maybe it was something else. I was so freaked out I was scared that maybe…”

*“What that maybe you had caught something from me? You think I’m diseased? You think I’m dirty well that’s fantastic. Thanks I really appreciate it. I was tested after the rape, you knew that and you have been the only one I’ve been with since but thanks for thinking I’m fucking around or lying to you.”

“No, I thought that sometimes it takes a while for symptoms to show and if I had something and would have to tell you that I had it I was going to feel horrible. So, I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure.”

*Angry Me “Well now you knew and I had to bring it up. You seriously thought it was my fault. If you gave me a STD I would be fucking pissed.”

“No the doctor said I should just use some powder. But I don’t have any. He gave me cream to use but it’s not helping. I’m embarrassed to go get the powder myself.”

“If it’s a heat rash you need gold bond or something. You don’t cure a heat rash with ointment. Are you sure that’s what you have?”

“Well that’s what he said.” He conveniently pulls the SUV in to a pharmacy parking lot. “Will you go in and get it for me?”

So into the pharmacy I march, searching isle after isle. All I find at first is a powder called “Anti Monkey Butt” and baby powder. Thinking like a man I thought that I wouldn’t want my penis smelling baby fresh. But who wants to use something called “anti monkey butt.” So I walked over the counter asked for the gold bond powder. Pointed in the right direction I grabbed it and two bottles of water, paid the man with my money and headed out back to the SUV.

I get the back in the SUV hand over not only a normal size bottle of Gold Bond but a travel size as well. Yes, I thought a head I’m an awesome girlfriend!!! <truth

Two days later:

“So the powder isn’t working”

*“WHAT?” I know it has to be something more.

“The rash is still there… and… it has… a smell. It itches all the time and has some off white discharge that smells funny.”

*“Does it bun?”

“No it just itches.”

*“And it smells like what?”

“I don’t know it just smells the powder and cream only make it worse.”

Think think think…. What could it possibly be.

*“You have a skin yeast infection.”

“No way.”

“No really you do. My grandma gets them and the infants I’ve been around get them from time to time. You need a cream especially for that or it won’t heal.”

Back to the pharmacy. I march in get yeast infection pills and a tube of Monistat cream and give to him.  (Yes that's a picture of a skin yeast infection but not his)

The rash is so bad that the Monistat isn’t doing anything except eliminating the itch momentarily but he refuses to go to the doctor, refuses to get it fixed or helped or cured!

Mr. Military was afraid of the doctor! Even with his horrible rash on his penis he would do nothing about it. I couldn’t understand it, but through it all I stayed faithful. I was in this relationship for good and bad.  Then……..

When he decided to break up with me through a facebook message, I got tested for STD’s. Whatever Mr. Military had, I didn’t catch. I hope both he and his penis at rash free and happy.

It's not TOO much to ask... is it???

To all my Single Girl's Opinion fans, thank you! You've all been hilarious, clever and inspirational. I've found people who have the same issues I have or at least they at one time did. And now you're all able to look at my life, your life, our lives and laugh! While discussing our wants out of a partner I came up with a list.  And though no where does it mention money, looks or fame it is completely true. These are a list of things I look for. Maybe I'm asking too much but in this world full of people, there has to be someone who fits into the mold maybe missing one or two. Without further delay here's what Single Girl (and yes I could probably add more to this list) wants:

Wanted:

Hard working, independent, dependable, intelligent, funny, sarcastic, charming, caring not clingy male

 Not married or “taken”

Has good hygiene and teeth

Taller than 5’8”

Enjoys:

Intelligent conversation

Laughing

 Acting like a dork

Scary movies

Comedies

Tattoos

Professionalism

Rainy Days on the couch

Movie Theater Popcorn

Sarcasm

Reading

Creativity

Cuddling occasionally

Challenges

Fire pits

“Nothing” just as much as everything

Be willing to:

 Go to the zoo

Visit the Aquarium

Attend Comedy clubs

Watch Baseball games

Shop with me

Give massages

Make dinner with or without me

Visit parks

Go on hikes

Team effort on paddle boats

Take short get away trips

Drive without a destination

Not take himself too seriously

Act like a fool for my benefit

To tolerate my family

To listen to my rants

Challenge me

Motivate me

Try to be better

Help others

Not always ask “what’s in it for me?”

Love life and love love.

MUST:

 Know what he wants out of life

Have less than a van full of children

Have SOME morals and standards

Does not need alcohol 24/7

Smokes rarely if at all

Enjoys a good healthy meal or a fattening cheeseburger

Loves his Mother/Isn’t a Momma’s boy

Love animals

Be manly, I like being the girl

Sincere where you mean what you say-not cry over coffee commercials

Hate Twilight

Like children (though I don’t have any I still like them)

Be able to get dirty no pansy boys

Be witty, clever intelligent

Be Charming

Be Fun

Be passionate about something

Accept me Flaws and All

The battle, the experiment, the truth behind blondes vs. brunettes

The experiment that should have been done long ago, apparently I was the only one willing to do it. Blondes verses brunettes! The battle of what men really want in their woman’s hair color has been debated for years. I read an article once that men prefer to date blondes but end up marrying brunettes. For whatever reason, they felt this was necessary to look into and they had documented proof that this was the case, which obviously sparked my attention because I’ve been every hair color under the sun. 

So, I proposed a test. I would use my year previous pictures of me as a bright blonde to make a profile on a dating website and I would use my current brunette pictures to make another profile on the same site. I would have them say the same things, same work, and same preferences in life. I would still be me, just with different colored hair. Nothing else had changed, I weighed the same, I obviously looked the same feature wise.  And in this instance both hair was long, thick and curled, swoop bangs and all. Just different colors, I honestly thought that it wouldn’t make a difference.

I figured obviously someone would realize that in fact, I had created two profiles with similar names the exact same profile but different pictures.  And if that happened I would be unable to use either account ever again. I decided it was worth it! I needed to know… THE WORLD NEEDED TO KNOW!

No one noticed. Some men even messaged both profiles. I could not believe the difference in the way people looked at me. It wasn’t that they thought either girl (the blonde me or the brunette me) was stupid, but the majority of the men who messaged the blonde me wanted to take care of me. They wanted to spoil me and they wanted to rescue me, be my Knight in shining armor or tin foil depending on the man. 

The brunette me, was messaged just as often. Those messages talked about how independent I sounded (remember each profile was the same). They enjoyed my logic and theory on being hard working and having a goal driven mind and career. (Yes, blonde me had mentioned those things as well.) The men who messaged brunette me seemed to care about my opinions and my strengths, they wanted to know my ideas on books and literature, even on political events. Brunette me was perceived to be a woman on their level, worthy of more than pampering, worthy of intelligent conversation. .

So, since Blonde me kept getting emails of people wanting to “take care of her” I put in her profile an added line. “I am not looking for anyone to take care of me, I am independent and want someone to want to be with me not because they need me, not because I need them but because we WANT to be together.”  Those who read Blonde me’s comment found it rude, they called her a bitch and said she was self centered and egotistical, that she thought she was better than everyone. The other’s didn’t even read Blonde me’s profile. They continued to have this image of a girl who needed a big strong man to sweep her off her feet.  Someone to rescue her from all the bad men in the world because they were the only one’s capable of such grandeur. The men who messaged Blonde me, almost looked at me as weak. When I pronounced my independence and said I didn’t need and did not want to be taken care of I was immediately a bitch.

Brunette me was continuing to get responses that were decent, I found that more men actually read Brunette me’s profile and wanted to know more about her. So, to test the waters I added the same clip to Brunette me’s profile, “I am not looking for anyone to take care of me, I am independent and want someone to want to be with me not because they need me, not because I need them but because we WANT to be together.” I got raving replies of how awesome it was that I was so independent and secure with myself that I could be in a relationship where each party gave 50%. I was applauded by men who said “More women should feel this way. More women should listen to what you have to say!”

I deleted blonde me, after all those pictures were of me a year ago. I’m not claiming that all men have the same opinions. I’m certainly not suggesting that blondes are more fun or that brunettes are smarter. Because I was both! I was me, either way!  I just found it interesting the different responses to my hair color. Maybe it was just the men that messaged me. I like to think that people have more substance than their hair color.  But maybe some people look at you and that’s all that they see.

What defines me goes much further than any box of dye I could buy. Although I’ve never been a ginger.

Oh and as for my preference I love men with dark hair! But Iwouldn't rule out a blonde simply because of his hair.

It’s like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory “nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out”.

“Oops!” is not only an excuse but it’s also a lie! Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not try this at home, (especially with me).

Every man knows how to find the hole. So, when they “oops” when they miss or go a little too far back and try to continue, they know what they’re doing! Do not be fooled by it! One slip and there’s no turning back! You’re in the out and once there, you’ve already gone to the dark side so he will obviously think this is a “go” from now on!

I sit and think about all the “slips” and “oops” experiences I’ve had and they’re always the same. Everything’s going great, I’m into it. My mind and body are completely involved in the moment and suddenly without warning it happens…

The slip

The oops

The dreaded touch of tip of the penis to butt hole and immediately I throw myself across the bed. My entire body goes into defense mode. My legs shut tightly together. My arms fight to get away. My legs kick me away. And I break free in a panic that I have just be violated. My entire world, my entire sexual enjoyment has lost all hope because now all I can think about, all that is on my mind is “what if… what if it would have actually made it that time!”

Apologies, apologies, apologies, your words fall on threatened ears, I have now seen your dark ways, once fooled by your trickery and I will not allow it to happen again.

One of my ex’s used to threaten me with it, sure he said he was joking but in the back of mind I always thought it could happen. I was always leery anytime he got near the area. And he could tell, a smirk on his face, watching me as I prepare to go into fight or flight mode. He knew exactly what he was doing. It was hilarious to him; however, not so hilarious when threatened in return. I do have toys…

Another ex used to jump back away from me when the “slip” occurred because he automatically knew I would start fighting. Arms, fists, legs, and feet they all would go flying wildly so he learned very quickly to move himself away before he fell into harm’s way.

So, now within moments of knowing me, meeting me or talking to me I make it clear to any potential dates that is on my “NEVER” list. Not on the never have but never will list. That is just something that isn’t going to happen. That is blocked off, I don’t want anything going near it, in it, or around it. I don’t want the “shocker” forget doing “two in the pink one in the stink” just forget that it’s even there!  That to me is an exit only.

I have heard of a few girls/women I know who have tried it and said it’s nothing special. I’ve heard people on TV claim that they enjoy it. And that’s wonderful. To each; their own, however, I’ll keep that sealed, on lock down like Fort Knox. It’s like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory “nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out”. 

And for all of those who are thinking “How will you know if you’ve never tried it?” I haven’t tried sporking my eye balls out, I haven’t tried being ran over by a truck and I haven’t tried swimming with sharks on my monthly lady time but I know I would not enjoy those things. So you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine never experiencing it!  So, men look elsewhere if that’s what you’re into, ladies kudos for trying it and bravo if you like it, there are many men who will be knocking down your back door to be with you (no pun intended). It’s just not for me.

Beware of these men!

In reference to an article my friend shared with me about men you shouldn't date, we decided that my own list of men not to date would be way more interesting than the typical lists. We all know not to date men who don't want to commit, ex's and so on.  But what about the one's I've dated... So here's:

The Single Girl's Do Not Date List for 2012

*Teachers: After all that time they spend with girls under age who don't have a clue, their brains are distorted that you may not either. Examples: The Talker, The Jack Off date

*The Schedule Man: Chances are if he has an exact time schedule Wednesday from 6-8 or Friday from noon till 3. Or certain times he can "take phone calls from you" or stops responding to your text by a certain time each day, he has a woman. And while she's working and he's fitting you in when she won't notice his absence.  Example: The Good Guy

*The man who only says "You're hot" as a compliment. This is one that some women like; however, if that's the only reason you want to talk to me chances are you don't really want to talk to me at all. Thank you for the compliment now move along! I do appreciate the compliment, I won't deny that. It's just looks fade and there has to be substance ladies, give yourselves more credit than that. Example: Mr. P.

*The jobless. Not knowing what you want to be when you grow up is fine with me, there are days I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But have a freaking job! I want to know that you do support yourself and don't rely on others to do it for you. I know I don't make enough to take care of you and me both. I'm not a gold digger, flip burgers for all I care, just do something! Examples: Metal Plate Mac, and countless others.

*The Tragedy Man. Never date a man who you meet through some type of disaster in your life. One because you're obviously at a very low point in your life and two he probably has some sort of issue since he wants to date someone not completely stable. Or he has a prince charming complex and wants to save you. Either way The Tragedy Man rolls into your life at the wrong time and it ends up wrong on many levels. Example: Nips.

*The Cave Man.  "Ug own you." It's fine to have someone want to be with you. It's also fine to have a slight bit of jealousy about you. It is not fine to dictate who I can and cannot be friends with. It is not fine to show up to my house and obsess over the idea that someone may have been there other than me. It is not fine to think that you can call up and check on me not only through my number but my friends and family as well. Ug owns no one! Single girl does what she wants, especially after only ONE DATE! Example: Mr. Needy and the Milk Man

*Mr. Needs Fixin'.  As woman we all think we can change men. That we will be the ones who will save them from all their horrible wrongs and make them right. That though he's a ladies' man doesn't mean he can't be exclusive, though he has no interest in being exclusive doesn't mean I can't change his mind. Though he has no ambition or drive in life doesn't mean I can't help him find his passion. Though he cheats on me doesn't mean he always will... the list goes on and on. If you have to change him as soon as you meet him; remove him from your dating list. You can't. People change for themselves not other people. And though we all like to think we're special in reality, in this case, you're just another woman who will lose the game.

*The Smirker.  The cool guy who isn't smiling in his pictures is hiding something. Maybe he's a player. Maybe he's hoarding a dark secret. Maybe that's his sexy face. But chances are he's hiding his horrible teeth! If all the pictures have no sign of pearly whites then chances are they aren't so pearly or so white! Avoid him and his grill!

*The Just Friends Guy. Seriously ladies he isn't joking. He may want friend with benefits but he doesn't want to be exclusive. He was honest with you and you took it as an invite to make your wedding plans. He said what he meant so don't fall for his shit!

*The Metro Guy. If he dresses better than you, spends more time getting ready than you and his hair is better than yours, walk away. We're supposed to be the fancy ones. Guys are there and yes we want them to appealing and pleasing to the eye (and nose) however, that doesn't mean you should end up waiting on him to get ready. Because it won't change, you'll spend the rest of your life waiting on him and his hair obsession.

*The criminal. Yes, we all find the "bad boy" appealing but having a criminal record is far more extreme than a rebel without a cause. Murders, thieves and sociopaths need not apply. Ladies, I think it's time we started doing back ground checks on our dates. Nothing says "I should have listened to Single Girl" like being held hostage by your boyfriend in a police shoot out!

*The Ginger. No offense but we all know they're crazy. And there's only enough room in my relationships for my own craziness.

*Mr. Accomplishment. He brags and boasts about all his achievements and you start to wonder where in his short time on this Earth did he actually have time to save the planet, maintain a career, date, help the needy, volunteer for the Humane society and fight the war on terror. If it sounds too good to be true, and the stories are full of him being the hero, chances are they're all lies. Example: Last Man I loved.

*Mr. Comfort. Yeah he's ok but he definitely doesn't spark fireworks. He's alright to hang out with but isn't rocking your socks. You can't force yourself to like Mr. Comfort until something better comes along and you can't stay with Mr. Comfort just because he's nice. Move along and save everyone the trouble of a messy break up where he cries because he thought you two had something special and he was just passing time until something better came along. (You women can be so cruel ;)   )

*Mr. Dad/Mr. Mom. I have no reason to hate single parents. I applaud them for their hard work and trying to make their children's lives better; however, I do have a problem becoming a part of the family after two dates and becoming the "mom" when you're too tired and the "babysitter" when you can't make it home in time.  Dating qualifications did not list mother figure or babysitter as part of my responsibilities. Kudos to single parents but I'm not going to be the one raising your children after just a couple dates.

*Mr. Self Centered. What about my needs? Don't you ever think how this will affect me? Don't you care about me? I need this. I need that. You should make sure that I am happy. You should get me a beer. You should run to the store. You should take care of me, because as you know the world does revolve around me. I know this guy too well... He feeds off of your kindness. Mr. Self Centered will never see you as anything more than an ego boost!

*Mr. Un-hygienic. Let's face it; scent is the closest link to memory. Good smells, good memories. What about the bad smells? You don't want to wish for death when he walks into the room. Showering, deodorant and mouth wash are required and no you shouldn't have to remind him!

*Mr. Emotional Wreck. Let's face it we're emotional enough on our own, we don't need unnecessary drama and tears. If he has more issues in life, more tears through the week and has stock in tissues. You're going to end up being the man of the relationship. You'll end up having to take care of him and help him be the man he's supposed to be. Women claim we want sensitive guys that just means we want you to be sympathetic when we're emotional that doesn't mean when the Hallmark channel is having a love story marathon we want you dropping all your plans and sobbing the entire day with ice cream. That's our job not yours!

*Mr. Fair Weather. The guy who pops in and out of your life unexpectedly, he's the stray cat that roams from house to house and you may not see him for weeks then suddenly he's on your doorstep and you go ahead and feed him and take care of him until he disappears again. If he's popping in and out of your life chances are you've become his fall back plan. You are the back burner and he will always use you when no one else is available.  Do not allow yourself to be anyone's Plan B!

*Josh. I've rarely known anyone to have a positive relationship with a guy named Josh. When polled of names not to date most girls voted the "Josh's" of the world. I've never dated a Josh but half the female population can't be wrong...

So, there you have it Single Girl's top 20 undateable guys in 2012! Or any year for that matter, you have now been warned.

She can have you, I give my used toys to the less fortunate.

 Singing: "They say that breaking up is hard to do; now I know, know that it's true..."

We always talk about the relationships; we always dwell on the end. So, in theory shouldn't the end be civil? Shouldn't that be the part that separates the men from the boys (or women from the girls)?  After all don't we want to be remembered as the decent one and not the cruel or psychotic one?

There are rules of engagement, not the ring on your finger type but the rules of war. Breaking up is like a war. There are things that you definitely should not do and if you do those things you are likely to be labeled a jerk for the rest of your life and that will define you and who you are for every story ever told about you by your ex and all the people they know. Not a single good deed will be remembered because you broke the rules of engagement! You went against the rules of how one properly breaks up with another.

I'm sure that you're wondering what these rules are and who came up with them. They are well known facts most women know, very few men know them and if followed break ups will go smoothly. Money back guarantee, though you do not pay me, I promise each break up will get easier if you do or avoid the following!

1. "Lets just be friends" will not work after you've passed the friendship stage. You can't use that once you've crossed over. That only makes people feel angry and used and who wants to be friends with someone who has now used them to get what they want and now have also lied to them somewhere in that relationship in order to obtain them only to "just be friends..."in the end.

                *Instead say, "You are amazing to me. You're everything I could ever ask for but I don't feel like I deserve you. I need to work on myself and then try to be in a healthy relationship because you deserve nothing less." 

What is the difference? You pushed them away making it your fault and also complimented them. Once you take blame for your own flaws they realize they might just be better off without you. If you still need a little extra, you may try the "If I can't love myself how can I truly expect you to love me?" which again enforces the fact that you have the issue not them. Which when you're breaking up with someone; the truth is you do have an issue, so it's not a lie. No reason to be mean about it and make a fight. Be rational and professional as if you were leaving a company and wanted a good reference. People will talk and you want them to say "We parted on good terms" because then you never have to worry about those awkward Wal-Mart run ins!

2. Just ignore them, they will go away! WRONG! People need closure. They want an explanation even if it isn't the best one. Be nicely honest.

There's nothing worse than not knowing and anything in our minds is going to end up way worse than the real reason you're ignoring someone. So, grow a vagina those things can take a pounding and say something!  Don't tuck your tail between your legs and cower away and hope that the person forgets you were in a relationship it doesn't work and no matter how much you try to convince yourself that it's nicer to say nothing than something, you're wrong! Suck it up, put on your big kid pants and have an adult conversation!

3. Being impersonal doesn't make it hurt less. Texting, email, facebook and any other form or virtual communication should be outlawed in the time of a break up. If you can't face someone to tell them you don't want to be with them anymore then you're obviously ashamed or hiding something. Again refer back to putting on your big kid pants and having an adult conversation.

4. We've grown apart also known as you're not interested anymore and you've probably found someone else. If that's the case say it, own up to it. Do not label your lack of interest as some life altering, maturing, coming of age, growing apart with time because it's all a lie and we know it. You just don't like the person anymore! It's reality this happens and believe it or not the person you're not interested in anymore will get over you!

5. Honesty is the best policy. I know I speak for others when I say if you'd just tell me the truth, one I'd probably realize you weren't worth my time and two I'd respect you for being honest and telling me. No cheating or lying or hiding things and avoiding the underlying real problem. Just be honest. It will suck, because breaking up does but in the end we will all be happier that you were honest. If I can't say anything else good about him... at least he was honest!

This all boils down to the golden rule; treat others and you wish to be treated. If you don't like me, say so because I won't spare you the gory details if I don't like you. It's fair, I owe you that much, if I spend quality time with you I was there for a reason so I will be mature about it and I will talk to you and we will be civil towards each other. It's not as hard as it sounds. Grow up heartbreakers and face the broken, walk away with some dignity!

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Last words... Heartfelt and honest. I may be sick.

A dear friend of mine told me that if I felt compelled to be heartfelt I should go with it. Though it typically isn't my forte', as you know I much prefer humor in my life verses the reality of the Single Girl world. However, you will find this blog interesting, I'm about to share my thoughts on ex's and people I've loved with you. What I would like to say to them, if given one more chance.

To the last man I loved;

I find it hard to believe we had gone from that giddy knot in your stomach happy all the time feeling, lovers to strangers, without me knowing. I had no say. I have no reason. To this day you are a mystery to me. I couldn't have imagined that I was happy. And I couldn't have imagined how easily you would completely write me off in your life. Best regards? Had we not cuddled and held hands? We didn't kiss and talk and text constantly. And no this was not forced, it was a two way street. We were in it together. I met your friends, I volunteered with you and to help you. And you left with no explanation at all. You left me with unanswered questions and you left me filled with lies, that it is only months later that I find out to be true. I adored you in every way possible. I was in awe of you.

And though this will never reach you, I still find it hard not to care about you. I wish you well. I wish you happiness and love and all the things I truly believe you deserve, regardless of how you treated me in the end.

If our paths ever cross again, I will smile because I know you and I saw you even if it was only once more.

Single Girl

To the first man I loved;

You, though by no means perfect, will be the man I compare all others to. Years ago I would have gone to the edge of the Earth for one more chance with you. ANd though that opportunity did arise, you were not in the right state to be in a relationship, I wanted to know that you wanted to be with me and not that you needed someone to fill the void and the lonely hours. You are the man I always wonder "What if..." what if I had two children. What if we had the house and the yard and the family. What if we could have been that happily ever after?

You've claimed you were a stupid boy when you broke my heart and that's true. Innocent love can easily be blind the bitter reality of how we knew absolutely nothing about what love and a real relationship was and yet I find myself longing for that innocence we shared. That holding hands and kissing at the movies was "risky". That even then I was a good girl and you slightly hated me for it.

When I was ready you were not. When you were ready I was not. We live such a vicious cycle that I wonder if it will ever pass or if one day... just maybe we will meet in the middle both completely ready for the rest of our lives. Call me hopeless romantic but wouldn't that be the end of the begining of a beautiful love story. 

Reality hits hard as I know deep down our innocent love is far gone. We've been dulled by life and love and the lack of healthy relationships and yet my history with you, not perfect, but it was real.

To the lovers, the loved and the loveless, may we all find whatever it is we are looking for.... I'll keep looking for my "you".

Single girl

To the man I loved in comfort,

I realize now that we were not happy. But we were completely comfortable. We fought and we lived completely different life styles and yet comfort held us together for all those years. We played the part well. Smiled at the right moments and I claimed happiness. But it wasn't enough for you. Sadly I think I could have lived the majority of my life being just content. Not ever really knowing what happiness was. In my mind, jaded of course, I considered that to be life. We weren't happy but we weren't miserable. I have my regrets with you as I do others.

I wish that we would have been able to come to a better resolution. I wish that I could have agreed and knew then what I know now and how much better we both are apart. We spent so many wasted years trying to maintain that terrible routine that we forgot to have a relationship. So, after all these years the only thing I have left to say to you is "Thank you." Thank you for having the courage to do what I could not. I could have never left. I was scared of the unknown. I was scared of life without you. What would I do if I didn't have you to fill my time and to take care of?

I wouldn't have managed to accomplish so many wonderful things that I was able to do and continue to do each day. You changed my life and at the time I was completely crushed and yet now I look back and I realize by letting me go, you've let me live. No longer bound to routines and caring for a grown boy.  I have become so strong. I wish you knew the girl I am now compared the girl I used to be.

Thank you for walking away and not looking back. Your courage set me free.

Single Girl

To the Only Man (who never turned on me),

In some strange way I find it hard to even consider what I would have done so many times without you. I have called you in the middle of the night, I have reached out to you time after time and no matter how I treated you and pushed you away, you came back. You believed in me and I swear you even loved me, what could have been if I hadn't pushed you away so many times.

Your bull shit as well as your brutal honesty with me was refreshing and yet at times hard to hear. I think about you often, though I'll never break down and say that I'm sorry or crawl back to you, this ship has sailed. I've raised the white flag and surrendered. We aren't meant to be because I'm not good enough for you. Each passing scar, you tried to mend though you were not the one who caused the pain. You tried to make me see the brighter side and you made me want to believe that "happily ever after" isn't just a fairy tale. But I have been poisoned by the world, by man, by cruel intention. And you are so much better off without me.

I cut all ties from you. I refuse to bring you down to my level. And I refuse to hurt you anymore. Though I have never shown it hurting you has always been hard for me. Knowing your past (as well as you knew mine) I couldn't bare being another woman to let you down.

You once told me I reminded you of your Mother. And though you loved her I always thought how horrible she was to have treated you the way she did her entire life. I guess we are drawn to what we know to an extent. I'm sorry for your life, but most of all for the parts that had me in them. Though I do not doubt I taught you lessons in life, they aren't lessons anyone ever wants to learn. Broken hearts and battle scars.

You were my strength and I was your weakness. "I wish you health and wealth and white house on a hill and I hope you raise a family, a little boy and a little girl a little more joy in this little ol' world well that would be enough for me. If you think that I don't love you you're just wrong but that don't matter now anyways. "

With a breaking heart, I do apologize.

Single girl

To my Hero, my friend and my side kick,

I think of you often. Not a day goes by that you're not on my mind. That something doesn't occur that makes me think of you. Though we were never "in love" and we were never even a couple, I love you more than you will ever know. You always looked out for me and knew I was so completely messed up that I needed that. No matter how hard life got for you, you always asked how I was first. Had I have known the last time I would have seen you, the last time I would have messaged with you, I would have told you how important you are to me.

How sometimes you were the only one in the world that I could talk too and you were often thousands of miles away. That messages from you and conversations about "nothing" made my day because I knew you were truly my friend, regardless of how crazy I was/am. You had my back.  I would have let you know that I would have done the same for you (and I feel I did in a much smaller way). I wouldn't have missed the opportunity to tell you how awesome you are, what an amazing person you are and how lucky that made me to call you my friend.

I often wonder about the things in my life you've missed. How you would have reacted to the news. I sometimes wonder if you were still with us if  it would have happened at all. You are timeless. You are irreplaceable and you are one of my dearest friends. I will see you again one day and that day, I won't waste a moment to tell you how awesome you were, when you were alive.

I could write about you for hours and how much you meant to me and it would never be enough. I miss you terribly each and every day!

With so much love, respect and admiration, rest in peace my dear friend, until we meet again!

Single girl