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Friday, May 6, 2011

We're not worthy! We're scum, we suck... (Wayne's World quote)

As I’m talking to a friend of mine, I realize I can’t accept a compliment.  I can’t believe that anyone would have anything nice to say about myself. I don’t feel that I deserve it.  That I’m worthy of anything good, compliment or relationship, I do not deserve anymore than I am or have.
Which leads me to think this is why I unintentionally purposefully find unavailable, unobtainable, unemotional, jerks and fall madly in love with them. You give me a guy that will ignore me and completely ignore my existence as a human being and when he does realize I’m  around treat me terribly and I’m his for the taking. I want to be completely absorbed by him forever.
And I know that’s impossible for that “type” of guy to do. I want them because they’ll treat me horribly, never compliment me, and inevitably leave me. I am a glutton for punishment. I inflict this on myself. I’m drawn to it and burned by it every time. My psyche is all out of whack and unconsciously I fall victim to my own lack of self worth and allow myself to be treated poorly. Is it possible that I never learn?
It’s not that I haven’t learned anything by this pattern; I just now recognize it and am able to admit that, I feel unable to be emotionally sound enough to be loved. Which I’m sure everyone would admit has to be a hard concept to grasp let alone confess. But it’s true. I do not feel worthy.
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?”

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