Yes or No? I took the mature route... FML. I'm too young to act this old!

I took a poll of “yes or no” without telling anyone what they were being asked yes or no to. Everyone said “yes” except for one person. I would guess I asked nearly 25 people. In my little test 24 out of 25 people automatically said “yes”.  Which now had me thinking if people are so willing to say “yes” as an answer to a question they don’t even know, then maybe I’m over thinking things in general. Maybe I’m the problem.  I think too much and that makes me lame… but when I don’t think I get into too much trouble.

So tonight, I had a moment of weakness. This was a huge lapse in my judgment towards the man population, which I so openly adore and hate at the same time. I considered the possibility that maybe I was a bit harsh on the ‘men who sleep with women while drunk’ rant. As well as, the ‘men that just say things to get women in to bed’ speech. Maybe it’s possible that they do actually mean what they say. That because of their intoxicated state they could finally say all the things they ever felt but were too afraid to say since their liquid courage had kicked in. After all I’ve been told alcohol is a truth serum…

 and then I slapped myself back into reality.

 I will not be played the fool. That part doesn’t suit me well. I was a fool to think at all… You can’t just call me up cool and casual and start telling me how much you cared about me and I just up and broke your heart year after year pushing you into the “friend zone” and expect me to now beg and plead with you to forgive me. You also can’t invite me over to play drinking games at your house alone.  This all leads to very bad things. Would I like to believe you? Yes. However, in reality do I think you care at all? No. I think it’s the alcohol talking. And as I quickly figured out with you, the alcohol is a fantastic liar not a loving confession of the heart.

Here I am on a Friday night all dressed up and not getting ready to go. Though my friends said “yes” without thinking twice or knowing why, I had to say “no”. I had to trust my judgment on this one and know that I won’t wake up with any regrets tomorrow.  I can’t believe you, I can’t trust you and until I can we’re still friends, one of the best friends I’ve ever had. But you’re still an asshole. I could probably be playing drinking games, having awesome sex, lots of laughs and an amazing night… but instead…

 I’ll be putting on my pj’s pulling up my hair and working on cleaning out my attic for a friend to move in. It’s been a long time since someone lived in the house with me, which should be interesting (I’ll keep you posted). Plus I have my bet to win. Let’s not forget about that.

“I’m too young to think this old. I should be doing the things I'm old enough to know not too and young enough to still do it anyways.”

Feeling nostalgic surrounded by locked away memories flooding down the stairs…

So maybe I am a little weird but here I am nearing the thirty mark (tear) and I’m finally starting to throw away the things that used to be in my bedroom and ‘living room’ (yes I spoiled and had two rooms to myself) from high school. The Arctic Orange was the so called living room where my friends and I hung out the majority of our time. What else do teenagers do? Yes, the walls are orange (I was going through a strange phase) and there’s glitter on the ceiling. An old olive green seventy style rocking chair sits in the corner and a black futon along the wall because that’s when they were “in”. I have an entertainment center complete with VHS player and an awesome stereo that may or may not work with surround sound and a 27 inch old TV. I have trophies and awards, autographs and photos everywhere. This room was once my entire world.

It’s not that I’ve held on to these things nor do I go up and reminisce of my younger years, I’d actually like to forget most of them. Just out of sight out of mind. I’ve locked away that part of me and had really never planned on going through that mess. But the time has come; I have just put off the inevitable for too long. So, while I dig through old clothes (that I wish I could wear now), out dated shoes still in their boxes, CD cases holding nothing more than the back of the cover and bras that wouldn’t hold half of one of my boobs now, I stumble on to a memory and for a moment I’m stuck in the past.

A treasure of my past, a picture, a token to Chuck-E-Cheese, movie ticket stubs, a note, a vile of cherry oil, jewelry from old friends and loves lost, love notes, hate mail, a metal rose that will never die, poetry and bad poetry, written conversations and things that have been long forgotten come flooding back.  It takes me back to being 16 all over again.  Who my friends were and who I thought would always be, changed so drastically since those days. The things I enjoyed and wrote I now laugh at knowing that at one time I totally thought that was funny or cool. I was never the cool kid by any definition but I thought I was above that, I was “deep”. Oh, to be young and stupid.

And as I throw my journal/diaries into the trash pile I realize how easy life was then. Though I by no means loved my teenage years I was completely spoiled during them. I didn’t have to work and my biggest problem was who was going to the mall with me and whether or not I liked a boy.  I didn’t worry or stress about money. I had no bills or cares or problems at all really.   Would I go back and do it all over again? I’d love to say yes, that I would go back to being a teenager and try to change it. However, I think that I’m much better off being an adult now the way my life has turned out. I do have regrets I’d be lying if I said otherwise; however, who would I be today without them?

From the glitter ceiling, orange walls and pumpkin pie shoes my mother hated it was and is all a part of me, even if now I know better and it’s going into the trash. I’m letting go… Goodbye teenage Single girl. You survived!!!

Quote from me in my year book "Happiness lies on your shoulders, do not look for it in other people. Do what makes you happy."

I just faked it and you'll never know...

*Insert female orgasm noises here.*

 When it comes to faking it, women can fake everything from a smile, a friendship and even an orgasm. Do we want to fake the big “O” absolutely not; we want to get off every time just as you do. However, that just isn’t always the case.  So how can you tell if a woman is faking it?

I’ve read that if a woman jumps up out of bed right away for any reason she probably didn’t have an orgasm. She would need some time to recompose. Her cheeks should be flushed , eyes relaxed, heavy breathing ,  lower moans verses the porn high pitch squeals, unusual or unplanned facial expressions and contracting vagina muscles.

I hate to tell you this but all of those things can be faked. Most women can contract their vaginas on demand and during sex that naturally happens. After any kind of physical activity our breathing changes and our cheeks can get a little flushed. I can change the tone of my voice at any point. My facial expressions are never the same in day to day life.  The truth is there is no real way to tell if the woman you’re with is faking it. Let’s not forget the classic scene in When Harry Met Sally; she fakes the big “O” right in the diner. “I’ll have what she’s having.”

So all I can do is tell you that shake what your momma gave you and communicate. If you’re not enjoying it voice it. Let the man know what he’s doing wrong or what he should be doing and where. Men if you’re not sure whether she’s satisfied or not, don’t ask… it’s really annoying because honestly I feel like you’re just trying to stroke your own ego.

Here’s the cold hard fact. Just be good at what you do and you won’t have to worry about it.

“The G-spot does exist.  Go the distance and find it!”

Broken Heart: top 10 on the charts of pain...

I have yet to tell this story because I don’t really know where to begin. How do you share a major part in your life that went on for years and forever changed your life and outlook on love and relationships in the beginning and the end?  

From a very young age I decided I would never get married. That I would never love and actually that love didn’t exist. I had seen my parents in a loveless marriage. I felt that all that romantic movie magic was nothing more than a crush or lust and unrealistic to those of us in real life. Love for whatever reason became something I mocked and made fun of.  I love my shoes, I love pizza, I love my car, I love you? The word itself had no meaning. I did not love. I would not love. And I refused to believe that it could even be possible for love to exist.

My friends all knew this about me. I was callous and cold to the idea of relationships and laughed at the daily changing of whom “loved” who in high school.  I was young but determined to never let anyone get to me the way I had seen so many other people fall. I was never going to allow that to happen… but it did.  I honestly don’t know when I noticed it or how it actually came to happen. But a friend of mine had quickly and suddenly become my boyfriend and I truly loved him.

He was the very first person I had ever told that I loved them. He was not however the first person I had sex with. I never did have sex with him. That came a few years later with someone else.

I will never forget that feeling of innocence and the idea that I had found love.  That it was real that it did exist and all my rants were bullshit. Because I had found it, I was holding it in my very heart and soul as I held his hand. In my mind it’s perfect. But I remember little things that were not great about the relationship. I try to block those out because I want my first experience with love to be perfect. I would like to say this is the relationship I would then forever compare all other relationships too… but it just isn’t so.  Though perfect in my mind, not perfect in reality.

My life and views on love had changed. Why… I was in love! I was madly in love so much to the point that I was giddy all the time. Every thought every moment was spent thinking of or with him. Doing ‘nothing’ was just as great as going out. Just being around him, his smell the cologne he wore and the way my head fit perfectly onto his chest when snuggled against him was all that I thought I would ever need in life. What more could any girl ask for? I was in love and he was in love with me. Forever. That’s how it works… nothing could change that. Because love is forever, love lasts. Right?

And then came the end, riding in the car to my house. I begin hearing a well played and well prepared speech. I know exactly where this is going but I refuse to believe it, refuse to listen to it… I jump out of the car and go running down the road. I cross the rail road tracks throw off my heels and run as fast as I could into an old school parking lot. I collapsed. I sat on the wet rainy pavement as he finally caught up to me. I curled myself in to a ball pulled my knees into my chest and waited as he continued on with his monologue. This isn’t real this isn’t happening and as I sat there my heart broke and the more it broke the madder I became. I was bitter, I was sad, I was hurt by the only person I had ever allowed ‘in’ and here he was giving me a break up speech. Though I vaguely now remember the words of that speech a sentence with always stick with me “I’m a man now, I have needs. And you… you’re a virgin. I want to be able to have sex and not take that away from you…”    

And there it was. The reason I was being dumped by the person I loved that loved me so much… I wouldn’t have sex with him.  I was crushed, I was miserable and I felt like I had been fooled the entire relationship. The irony of all of this is I was planning on having sex with him that night, after that very car ride.  I wanted it to be a surprise, so I never even hinted to it. Though I will not mention the occasion the day itself was extremely special and important in every teenage life.

I will never forget my first experience with love. Like most firsts it will always be with you.  But it has hardened my heart maybe a little more than it was before I had experienced it. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? No, because I learned a lot in that first relationship; however, if I had known then what I know now, things would have been a lot different. 

I have made amends with this Man, but cannot forget. I forgive because we were both young and immature but you just can’t forget your first broken heart.

“Love as if you’ve never been hurt.”

Battle of the sexes! Bring it on!!!!!!

Its stereotypical bull shit my friends.  The man verses woman hypocrisy is ridiculous. What’s fair for one gender should be fair for the other. I wasn’t the one who fought for equal rights I will admit there are some things I wish I still had that women gave up for “equal” rights. However, since we had to give up chivalry and the other perks of womanhood why aren’t we actually equal?

When a man stands up and speaks his mind, he’s applauded for his courage and his secure sense of self. He’s a man who’s going places. People look up to him; he’s idolized for his outspoken behavior and his wit. It’s even considered charming that a man of his stature is willing to throw and sometimes force his belief and opinion on you.  However, a woman speaks her mind and she’s a bitch. She stands up for what she believes in and when she doesn’t back down, it’s because she’s PMSing.  A woman with an opinion is a dangerous thing. Let alone a woman who actually speaks her opinions out loud. How dare she feel she can wear pants like a man, her mind isn’t capable of combating wit and debating with a man. Women rage on emotions and men rage on logic? Well call me a bitch because my emotions want to smack the shit out of your logic.

How is it that a man can sleep with woman after woman, and he’s applauded for his conquests? High fived and considered a real “man”. Yet let a woman treat men in the same manor and she’s a whore? Men (not all) can treat women like dinner a new meal every night (fine dining an acceptable behavior), and yet a woman is supposed to eat the same meal day in and day out otherwise she’s wrong? Her promiscuous behavior is looked down upon and shunned in society even today.   How is it right for men and not for women?

A woman works hard, strives for success and this is considered too ambitious and scares men away.  How dare a woman work hard at her career and not NEED her man constantly. Who told her she could step out of the kitchen and think? Men on the other hand work overtime, work all the time and that’s ok. A man climbs the cooperate ladder and we applaud him a woman does and we wonder how she got there? Slept her way to the top? She couldn’t have actually deserved that promotion… Right? And all the while women are supposed to swoon over a man who works 24/7 and just be glad he ‘chose’ her.

If I speak my mind I’m a bitch, if I don’t I lose myself. If I sleep around I’m a whore, if I don’t I’m frigid. If I work hard I’m a threat to men, if I don’t work I’m too needy for men.  Women cannot win.  Let’s not forget the fact that men can pee standing up and don’t bleed monthly. Let’s forget all the perks that you got handed to you naturally just by your gender. Let’s add stereotypical shit to the mix. 

Now… just so everyone knows and it’s completely clear… I LOVE MEN! I absolutely adore them! I’m definitely pro penis, but not until July 16^th at least.

“Behind every smart man is a bitter woman. Behind every smart woman there is a jealous man.”

Cheers to love and the lack there of...

Romance movies are a joke. They feed us these beautiful tragic and heart warming happily ever after bull shit and then we wonder why our lives don't meet these expectations. I wonder what life would be like if we didn't have movies? What would we then compare our own existence to? How would we measure our own relationships?
I honestly can't hate on them or say that they're impossible. I have had  magic movie moments. Those perfect moments sitting by a lake with the sun setting or a walk through a park with a kiss that makes your toes curl and butterflies never stop. I've had those walk to the car trips where you stumble with the keys and you look up and for that moment, you're the only two people in the world. That permanent smile that doesn't go away when you're driving home and you can't wait to see them again and they call almost immediately because they feel that way too.  Those spoken words that when said out loud make you realize how lucky and alive you are in that moment. I've had those and I am grateful for each and everyone of them, I just wish there were more of them now.
So here's to the lovers, the one's that found it and held onto it. Here's to the unlucky in love may you find it and embrace it when it comes your way. And here's to me... may I find whatever it is that I've lost along the way and when I do... never let it go again.
I'm a sucker for love. Though I hate that I am.

"When happily ever after fails, we've been poisoned by these fairy tales..."

The dreaded "L" word!

A great guy friend of mine told me back in high school “Never have sex with a man before he tells you he loves you. If he says it during sex he doesn’t mean it and if he says it immediately after he doesn’t mean it.” So when do men mean it? When do you know a guy “loves” you?

Which baffles me that anyone would say “I love you” without meaning it.  Does that still stand true today?  Should you hold out for love (If that’s what you’re looking for) or just jump in and hope for the best later?  My friend gave it to me like this, “If he knows he can have you without that why would he get messed up in love and relationships with you? There has to be a reason to make him stay, respect you and then love you.”  So basically ladies why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Maybe, I find the idea of saying it and not meaning it oddly fascinating because I hold onto the L word like it’s the only one I’ll ever have.  I refuse to say it first and even if the thought pops into my head I just leave it there, it’s my L word and I want to mean it when you hear it. If over used it loses its value anyways. You don’t just go throwing the L word around.

And don’t get me wrong, I understand there are many different meanings to the word love and you can love things and people differently. I love my bed. I love my friends most of the time. I love some of my family. I sometimes even love my evil cat. But I don’t just tell people I’m dating that I love them. It has to be real. It has to be something worth letting go of the big L word.

Which I will be honest, I haven’t found in a long time. I haven’t used that word in a relationship in years. I have felt it. I have thought it but I haven’t said it. I don’t want to pressure some guy into thinking he has to say it back to me. That he must love me. That’s ridiculous. I want it said because it was felt, they meant it and needed to say it. And I hope that you don’t expect me to say it back if I don’t believe it, feel it and truly think it. I have had quite a few guys tell me that they “love” me. And since I didn’t feel the same way my reply was “Awwwww thanks!” Harsh? Not  at all I thanked him for the kind words and even smiled, maybe I hugged him when I thanked them and maybe there were a few I didn’t . The point is I didn’t feel it so I didn’t give them false hope. I appreciate that someone can feel they love me but if I don’t love them back I’m not going to lie about it.

My rant? Men stop telling girls what they want to hear to get them into bed. Tell them straight up how it is. If they chose to keep messing around with you then that’s their own fault. But do not give false hope. Don’t string them along on your every word. Tell them and allow them to be stupid or allow them to walk away. I would rather you be honest. But I have a feeling not all girls feel that way. But you know what the truth hurts sometimes.

“Mean what you say and say what you mean.”

                                       

Ugly can be inside and outside. I guess you decide...

The ugly friend, no one wants to be it and no one wants to admit it. However, we all have one. That friend; that no matter what we do, how we dress or how we look, they make each of us in the group look better.  I’ve had a few of those friends in my life and I won’t say it was intentional, all the time, but do I honestly want to be standing next to a model when I go out? I mean I’m not hanging out with the Victoria Secret models and there’s a reason for that…

And before you “boo” me and get all uptight about this I’d like to point out that it just so happens I know for a fact I’m not the only person who knows of the ‘ugly friend rule’.  So don’t think I’m completely shallow. I hadn’t even thought about the ‘ugly friend’ rule until a friend and I were talking about jumping the grenade a few nights ago.

So for all of you unfamiliar with jumping the grenade, it means someone has to hit on or take home the ‘ugly friend’ keep him or her occupied while the other people in the group take care of much more pleasant business. And guys just so you know, if you walk up to a group of girls and no one jumps the grenade, she’ll blow up and then you’ve all lost chances with any of those girls. So someone needs to suck it up and take one for the team! Rock paper scissors shoot as to who it has to be, shortest penis, the broke one, or your ‘ugly friend’ however you have to figure it out make sure it happens. Because the girls will always side with their said: “ugly friend”. And if the ugly girl isn’t getting any, neither is anyone else. And then no one’s happy!

Talking about the ‘ugly friend’ makes me feel a little shallow and also wonder, what if maybe I’m someone’s “ugly friend”? What if sometimes when invited to go out with a group of people it’s because I’m the ugly one? How do you know if you’re the ‘ugly friend’? I never pointed it out to anyone when I had one, I never made it well known that “that girl over there yeah she’s the ‘ugly friend’”. It was assumed many times since I have had some strange friends in my life but I never made a point to tell the world about my ‘ugly friend’ aka the grenade. 

Since no one talks about it… then how do we know if we’re that friend or not? Who judges that, who makes that decision? I honestly do not choose my friends based on their appearance but I will hate on a girl more attractive than me. I need to be on an equal playing field with her to be able to get along with her. Otherwise I turn into bitch mode and start sizing her up to tear her down. (All girls do this don’t think I’m vicious because I admit it).

The judgment comes from somewhere though so it has to come from the people who approach the group. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I’m told. So, in theory the ‘ugly friend’ can change depending on the people you encounter. So at one point or another in your life you have been the ‘ugly friend’.  Just as I have been ‘ugly friend’ in my group at times. All I want you to consider is this… the next time you go out, look around at your friends. If you can’t decide who’s the grenade aka ‘ugly friend’ chances are it’s you. 

“Sadly we can’t all be beautiful all the time, most of us can’t be beautiful most of the time and some of us are never beautiful some of the time…. And I haven’t even gotten to our appearances yet…”

Get off his balls and get a life!

I have a friend (though we dated a couple of times I have no horror stories about him other than the fact that even though I passed his “test” he didn’t want me), my friend tells me that he always tests women. Which to a point I understand I test men as well. You want to know who is worthy of your time and who isn’t. We all perform little tests to see how far we can push your buttons or how far you’ll willing to go in order to make me happy; however, my friend and his ‘man plan’ goes a whole different route. He has a \ test which I’m sure many men also have, and rightfully so I will agree. So ladies…. Here’s your heads up! Pay attention… this gets ugly.

So the test goes as follows (and I pray he doesn’t hate me for sharing but I feel you have the right to know) that if you have sex with him on the first date you are automatically not girlfriend material. You are just a booty call and not worthy of a relationship. Once again I would like to point out that I did pass this test.  If you’re willing to give it up so easy, where’s the chase, the thrill of the hunt and where is the challenge?  Also… where is your self respect lady? Get it back out dust it off and continue reading.  

Girls/women need to have more self respect and then maybe more guys would treat us with respect. You all know by now that I completely adore having sex. But I’m not about to just give it up because some gorgeous guy with blue eyes gave me “that” look. (And yes he’s gorgeous and gave me that look and I still passed it up.) It’s not happening, I’m not about to have some one night stand with you and then you never speak to me again or only speak to me when you want some. I treat men I don’t like the same way we have bad dates. This is different I didn’t mind fuck them or fuck them I just chose not to go any further down that path. I will however, make out sure why not, that’s so high school I realize but so overlooked now a days.  Who doesn’t enjoy a good make out session but I’m not going to just give in to your sexual ravaging just because you’re hot. Call it morals call it personal values I call it, self respect.

I also believe that men want to feel needed they just don’t want you to be needy. There’s a difference. Independence is great, I don’t think you should rely on anyone let alone a man to support you.  You should have goals and ambitions just don’t overdo it to where he feels he’s at the bottom of your list or that you never really ‘need’ him. My friend vouched for that one. Let men be men, let them believe that you need them without having to be hanging on their balls twenty four seven. Allow them to wear the pants but don’t dumb yourself down or give into them just because they’re hot. Attraction and sex only goes so far… you need more to hold on to what you really want.

So what do you do? You find a happy medium. You find a balance between whore and saint and another balance between damsel in distress and overly ambitious, independence. Don’t give it up right away and don’t expect him to solve all your problems.  He can’t and he won’t and then you’ve lost him and his respect for you. And you should have lost some for yourself.

It’s completely confusing and I find it hard to think that men need to be needed but who doesn’t like the idea of someone needing them? And once again there is a huge difference between being “needy” and just needing someone. I like my independence and that scares a lot of guys but when someone, that I actually enjoy their company comes along I also let them know I appreciate them. I let them know that they are worthy of my time and they are in fact good times waiting to happen. And that occasionally I’ll need them. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Get off the balls ladies, strike some independence and quit whoring yourself out on the first date. Honestly a lot of guys quit taking you seriously when you’re such an easy target. Be strong hold out and just enjoy some heavy make out sessions until there’s something real there… something worth holding onto and something worth needing.

“Turn offs: obsessed, crazy and needy whores.” But that doesn’t mean they won’t have sex with you… it just means you’re not girlfriend material. Just because men will fuck you doesn’t mean he will love you and vice versa. Keep that in mind on your next dating adventure.

“You give love a bad name…”

It's like Christmas for your Vagina!

I recently made a bet with a friend that I could go ninety days without sex. I assume that also includes oral and other types of sex. Making out should be totally fine as long as no penetration happens below the belts. Little does he know I have great will power when it comes to holding out on men. I first went 18 years without having it. Then three years without having it. Later I almost went another year without having sex. So what is ninety days going to do to me seriously? I got this!

In the mean time I’d like to bring up a typical subject my female friends and I discuss. Toys! When it comes to purchasing my adult toys; I will admit that I’m not a big fan of pure romance nor do I like going to Hustler for their overpriced Hustler brand name toys. And I need to add that once a relationship is over you throw those toys away and get new ones because that’s just not right… I’d also appreciate it if everyone started buying new underwear when they became single again but that’s not for me to tell you to do. But sharing the toys you shared with your ex seems a bit gross to me…

Pure Romance is a great concept. The idea of selling products to women for couple use is brilliant.  The majority of the items in a Pure Romance catalog revolve around you and your ‘partner’. For a single girl that doesn’t help me out much. When it’s his and hers items, lotions, toys I wonder what am I supposed to do with the “his”?  I’m single. The only person I’m looking out for is me! And why is it that the coupled items are never sold separately? Is it impossible to take the bottle or toy and package them separately just in case an uncoupled girl wants what happens to be in the package deal?

Hustler and even Playboy baffle me that they can make cheap items turn into gold due simply by a logo . I have never been one to purchase because of a label. Grant it I do want a Hustler hoodie but I’m not going to spend one hundred dollars on a vibrator just because it says Hustler on the box. I refuse to spend that type of money when I can get it cheaper somewhere else and end up having the same result. Which I must add, always includes a very happy ending.

So my advice to all of you is to shop on http://www.adameve.com. They have the best prices. Shipped right to your door in a brown plain box so no one will know what you’ve purchased or why. They have everything you could ever want and need. And all those things you’re curious about. Also they’re always giving out free movies and gifts when you buy things. So make sure you check them out.  I give them five stars and two thumbs way, way, up for bringing on the big “O”.

Word to the wise, you don’t want to lose it. So, ladies avoid vibrators as much as possible because they desensitize your nerves and which makes it harder to reach your “O”. Dildos are better for you but you have to put more effort into it. Just look at it as a workout.  You’ll burn calories and satisfy yourself in the process. Enjoy…

“Relax  its just sex (with yourself)”

Perfectly Imperfect!

There’s an art to dating. A certain game we all play and sometimes don’t you just get tired of the game? You play and play and eventually it gets old. In the beginning we try to keep our flaws undercover. The annoying habits we have, the things we do that others can’t stand and those body imperfection you see in yourself. But eventually they surface and by that time you’ve noticed your partner’s flaws as well. So you both then try your best to ignore those flaws about the each other because you hope they will:

1.    Go away

2.    Stop annoying you

3.    You can change them

Since we all know by now we can’t change people and they are who they are for better or worse. I propose a radical idea. The next time you begin dating someone, come clean with your flaws. Don’t over whelm them or give all your dirty secrets all at once because some things are better left unsaid on the first date. But be more open during those first few weeks of “butterflies” so that if they fade away you’re still in love with the person you met and not hating the real person that was hidden so long.

It’s almost as if we create this “perfect” person when we start dating. The “perfect” you the “perfect” me. But in reality those seemingly perfect selves can only hold out so long before REAL you and REAL me come back.  So why not just be ourselves? That’s scary. To show someone who we really are without being guarded like Fort Knox.  To allow someone “in” and really let them get to know us? The thought alone is astonishing.

We all have a fear of rejection; it’s not only possible but highly probable that there will be people who don’t like the REAL you. Chances are not everyone will appreciate you or your honesty. But who wants to be loved for someone they’re not? Hate me for what I am before loving me for something I am not!

If we first judged others by their flaws then we would be realistic about whether we were truly interested and worthy of each other’s time. For example if I wore a sign on the front of me that listed the majority of my flaws, people would either accept me for me those flaws and all or look them over and move on. I would know who really cared, respected and wanted me around. I would know that someone could see beyond the imperfections that make us who we are and see there can be something amazing within. As for those who passed me up and walked on by judging me by my flaws alone I would wear a sign on my back that listed the good qualities in me. The people that will miss out on the good I have to offer the world because they judged me by my flaws alone.

Will this ever happen? Absolutely not, we’re taught to be ashamed of our imperfections and hide them from the world. But when you first meet someone you can never be as real as you are in that moment. Choose to be real. Choose to be who you are because months from now you’ll have to explain where the “perfect” you went…

“Do not strive for perfection it does not exist. Your imperfections give you character. Character sometimes makes you the underdog and the outcast. But those underdogs are the ones that can save the world from monotony.”

I know all too well... One drink to remember another to forget?

            We all know rejection. We all have felt that feeling of loving without it being returned and yet we never get used to the pain. Normally, I do not tolerate this well. If someone doesn’t like me then they immediately become deleted from my life, from my friends, from my phone and any other form of contact I could make. They are now a ghost in my past forever to hate and never to look back. At this very moment I have someone that is quite the opposite and I’m struggling at this even as I type wondering why?

            We’re still friends, I still talk to him occasionally and I wish nothing but good things for him but we all know that if I’m being honest those good things would all have to do with me. I did; however, have to delete his number from my phone for the mere fact that I can’t be that girl crying and sad over him drunk texting him “why not me?” I refuse to make myself appear so ridiculous. I honestly refuse to tell him anymore that I care because it’s not that my words fall on deaf ears, it’s that he doesn’t feel the same way. So why be psycho about it. He knows where I stand.

So when he says we’re friends, I say that’s right. When he tells me he still loves me I have to take a deep breath and know that it’s only as a friend and say “you always have”.  And we make short talk and discuss our lives and random rants. For a moment, I swear a part of me is extremely excited and hanging on his every word and yet I’m drowning in them at the same time. How can one conversation turn my world upside down and no one else even know it?

Trust me, girls I’ve tried the tricks. I’ve tried the jealous route, I’ve flat out talked to him about it and I even cried but only once and the circumstances were extremely called for but he was there for the break down. And nothing, I love what I cannot have. I want who I’ll never be able to obtain. And I will probably forever compare the rest of my dates to him because I really undeniably care for him, still! It’s been over a year and still that feeling remains. I would have done anything for him and honestly I still will.

We are friends… and I say that with a slightly broken heart and a smile. Is it best that I have him as a friend and nothing more than that, suffering and smiling or not at all and always wonder? I’ve tried both. I have deleted him from my life completely. I have yelled and cursed the very ground he walked on but it didn’t make me feel any better. And then I apologized for it later (yes I stooped to apologizing for my immature behavior). It’s a vicious cycle that I know I’m not going to win. I can’t have him so why can’t I move on and let it go.

Facebook stalking is completely out of the question for two reasons. One I can’t even look at his pictures… I get emotional, I get butterflies and then sad and upset and a mixture of feelings I don’t want. And two: I can’t be that girl so hung up on a guy that I stalk him… though I did try and found out really quickly that I am unable to be “that” girl.

            Am I saying people don’t know about this and that I hide it so well? No, some of my friends know but the majority does not. I’m not sharing names or details. I just want everyone to know even I have that same problem. Which pisses me off that people seriously believe I’ve never had unrequited love before… but that’s a whole different rant.

I understand exactly how you feel when you can’t have someone but they’re in your life and they walk by and your stomach is in knots and you can’t let it go. I understand that. I feel your pain, your butterflies and your constant wondering “why not me?”  People say some things are better left alone, that everything happens for a reason and that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Those words do not help me at all… though I understand where they came from. Those wise words became someone’s advice, to someone like me that went on a rant and they tried to help them.  There is no cure, except hopefully time.

“The problem with men is that they love Angelina Jolie’s and they keep breaking their hearts, you all need to find yourself a Jennifer Aniston, charming, beautiful and America’s sweetheart.”

I won't say I'm in love...

The Elephant in the Bedroom. That makes me want to scream and run!

Before I rant let me post some reminders.
1. I am STD free.
2. I have still closed up shop and am not having sex.
3. I can now openly discuss sex once again. I had a bet with a friend I could not go a week without talking about it. I did some days were hard but I managed.
4. What the Random needs to be "liked" on facebook.
5. And if anyone knows any other single girls I have a friend who would love to date you.

            So, there is apparently a new trend that parents are doing and its got me quite upset. Doctors are telling them that it's ok... and I'm here to say "Hell no, that shit ain't right" Not because I care that one day those children will date me...( I could never be a cougar because age really bothers me. You must be nearly my age or older.) however, future women and men are going to be greatly affected by this terrible terrible thing, it will become a plague on future sexcapades.... and it must stop.... I cannot allow it any longer...


The Uncircumcised Penis!
      
         I don't understand why anyone would want that for their son! One day some one's going to pull down his pants and laugh and probably NOT have sex with him, other boys in the restroom and locker room will point and make fun of him. Because no one wants an elephant trunk just hanging around and definitely not  snooping around anywhere down there!  Its completely unattractive. I have yet (and hope to never) come across an adult uncircumcised penis, though I know you're out there Elephant man, waiting somewhere to take me home. However, I will tell you and the rest of the world, if that day ever comes I will leave the man hanging. I will laugh, cry and make a horrible remark and then walk away as fast as possible. It is not right and I don't like it... so I think from now on I'm going to ask my dates, just to be safe. "hello (insert dates name) are you circumcised and did you think its ok to jack off on me on the first date?"
         And I don't care what doctors are telling you now... in Sex Education they taught us that if they were uncircumcised then they were more likely to carry diseases and bacteria up in the extra skin because you have to pull the skin back to thoroughly clean them... what man in your life is going to sit and pull his skin back making sure to wash the crevice of his dick? I mean we're lucky most days they wash that and their balls at all...  Playing with it? Sure...lather up and rub one off but antibacterial soap in hand taking proper care of his extra skin and what lurks inside it is doubtful.
       I know men love their penis' and I know that they love the idea of other people loving them too. So, if you want your son to be loved, circumcise the trunk. That's all I'm saying. It's only fair he won't remember it when he gets older and better a week of pain than a life time of humiliating moments in the bedroom. And if you have an uncircumcised penis in your life... I don't want to see it or talk about it. I just don't like them this is my opinion and I have every right to tell you how ugly that thing is!

"Too much junk in the trunk for me to take a ride"

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Really just in a bad mood. There will be no rant today, nor love for anyone else. I'm the bitch today, damn the world and if you don't like it, let's take this outside. Oh the picture is just an added bonus for  even looking at my blog today.

There will be NO wedding bells, but I would like a cake with people on top!

I understand the idea of marriage. I honestly do. The majority of my family is married, most of them I assume happily since they've made it so many years together. My grandparents have been married over 50 years and are still going strong.
Aside from tax breaks, hoping to cash out on their pension and social security or half their pay if they cheat on you I don't see how a marriage can positively affect my life. What can a paper say that what I "feel" that you "feel" cannot? I don't want to get married I was never that girl who walked around dreaming up and planning my wedding. I never had that moment of clarity where I thought this is the song that I will walk down the isle too or went shopping for a white dress just in case that day comes. So if it doesn't I am of course ok with that.
The problem that I have is that we tell people who can and cannot get married. Now take me for example I really don't want to get married but you tell me I can't and all hell is going to break loose. How dare you tell me I don't have the right to get married? Who are you decided who I can love and what paper I can sign to make it "legit"??? Christians call marriage sacred between a man and a women. Well when men and women who are married stop getting divorced, stop cheating on each other, stop beating each other up in front of their children and having screaming fits while I'm trying to sleep, then maybe JUST MAYBE... I can agree it's sacred.  But until that happens which isn't likely anytime soon.... Why can't you just marry someone if you love them?
I've known marriages to last years and I've know marriages that have lasted not even a year... so what does the gender have to do with anything? I honestly believe that there are better same sex couples out there, than there are man and woman couples. I've seen them, I've known them and I applaud them. Marriage is a union before your friends and family stating that you want to be together for better or worse til death do you part forever...  So why does it matter who you marry? What right do we have to preach to anyone that they can't get married when our "man and woman" marriages are anything but sacred?
A few years ago I remember watching on the news that a man married a Barbie doll he claimed now had the soul of his wife who had recently passed and it was a legal union in front of a judge. How in the hell can you marry an obect that isn't real but people of the same gender are denied? Seriously people wake up!
You cannot help who you love and I can vouch for that. So, if two people are committed and willing to get married let them do it. Let them have that wedding bells, cake and all... Let them celebrate their love, for finding love and keeping love... it's more than a lot of us are doing.

You don't have to agree with me... you just have to know, I'm right.

What are we doing to those little girls? STOP!

            I will admit when I go out, I want to look my best. And I would assume that most people would agree with me. I put on make up, fix my hair, dress a little nicer and feel confident walking into whatever bar or hang out my friends and I have chosen to attend. I'm an adult. That's what I chose to do. I work out because it's what I feel I need to do.
            However, in my classroom I see very young girls some below the age of five who think that if they aren't wearing make up and don't have the right clothes that they're "ugly". When did we teach our children that wearing make up and having the "right" clothes made you beautiful. When I go to work I usually have sweat pants and a t shirt on so I can actually be involved in the classroom. I usually have very little make up on and my hair is never perfect. But these little girls compare themselves like peacocks (yes I know the beautiful peacocks are male but still) proudly boasting around the room at what they have that others do not.
They viciously call each other ugly and even make each other cry because they truly feel if that one person thinks I'm ugly then I must be.
          And sadly what brought this to my attention is that while I was trying to talk calmly with a student who was angry with me for one reason or another the child decided I was ugly. She called me every word she could think of for ugly and it didn't bother me, I told her that she can think that she is entitled to think I am ugly and I will not try to tell her otherwise she has an opinion like everyone else. But another child was really hurt by this. She came running over almost in tears and said "Ms. Single girl is not ugly!!!!!!! She just isn't wearing her make up today.... that's why you think that, isn't that right..." WHAT? Seriously.... am I supposed to agree with this? Am I supposed to make one child feel better by admitting that I am ugly because I didn't wear makeup? NO!
           I tried explaining to this child that you don't need make up to be beautiful or pretty or any other term in the dictionary. I told her I did not want to wear my make up because it was a rainy day and that's OK you don't have to wear make up all the time. Her response? "Well, you should always wear lip gloss..." and she skipped off.
         I am all for girls being cute, and I'm OK with girls being girlie and wanting to be princesses although myself never really wanted that. But to teach our children that they're only pretty or beautiful when they're covered in make up and "perfectly dressed" is ridiculous. We're raising girls who read Cosmo and trust me though I like the adds the advice they give are definitely not what "smart girls" or "real guys" actually want or need. They give the worst advice. But even flipping through the pages make up is everywhere with women who are super skinny covered in tons of make up and actually seem glamorous. We're raising girls to wear shorter and shorter skirts and tiny tight tops and wonder why pedophiles lurk around every corner? Don't even get me started on string bikinis for a toddlers!
        I've been called shallow, I've been called a lot of things actually. But beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. I've dated men who other's agreed he was attractive and I've dated men who other's thought "really... what in the hell is she thinking..." but I'm not five! I'm not at home throwing up my lunch of carrots and fat free dressing because I feel like a pig. I'm just disappointed in society's labels and what society has served our children on a silver platter.
         Just so everyone knows.... there is a slight ray of hope. The prettiest girl in my class could care less about make up or fancy clothes. She has heart and character and her mother raised her right...

"You are beautiful no matter what they say!"

You can NEVER no matter what... Go back!

"Hurt me once shame on you hurt me twice shame on me."
 We all know the quote very well and yet no one seems to be listening to it or understanding it so let me explain this to you and make it a little more clear. Let me spell it out for you because obviously it isn't good enough 'as is'! You can never go back once you've been hurt because it will always come back up in a relationship fight and its your fault for allowing it to happen. So stop kidding yourselves!
If you were with someone in a romantic relationship and it did NOT work out, then it will NOT work out the second time or any other time you continue to try. Ex's are ex's for a reason! There's a reason why you two didn't make it. You're just lonely if you keep going back... because if they're not good enough to keep and you have to break up with them, then you're just looking for a companion to hold you over until you find someone better. In which case it is wrong on everyones part.  If you keep allowing someone in and out of your life only to always end up hurting you well then you're only being stupid and I feel nothing but pity for you.  Why be with someone who isn't dedicated to making you happy?  Why go back to someone who's taken your trust, heart and whatever else you gave them and broke it into a million pieces? Why risk that again on the same person who obviously had no problem doing it once... we're creatures of habit. It will happen again!
I understand forgiveness and I understand mistakes. However, that doesn't mean that you forgive and jump back into a relationship with them that night. Only to continue this vicious break up cycle over and over again. It will not work. If you can't stay together for six months, hell a month or two, without breaking up chances are that is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. We are not in high school anymore! We are actually supposed to have mature relationships. Let me repeat  "Supposed to have mature relationships"
I will never understand someone who allows a person who cheat on them (the lowest of the low) to come back to them. That is not a mistake. Mistakes don't fall into bed with someone else if they love you, a mistake is much smaller than that. A mistake I forgot it was our 4 and a half month anniversary (gag) or I forgot I was supposed to pick up bread on the way home. But not I forgot I was in a relationship and accidentally managed to find my way into another person's bed, But I'm sorry? No!
I don't know about men. But ladies this is where you stop and realize you cannot change the man. You cannot fix this man. He is what he is and nothing you can do is going to make him any better. Because he is the only one who can change but if he knows you're always giving him a hall pass or a get out of jail free card why should he change? You're giving him the best of both worlds.
 Do not be fooled... some people are broken and damaged and nothing you can do not all the love in the world can't fix them.
So stop taking them back and laying in bed crying over them every night and get out and do something for yourself. If they really wanted to be with you they would have never 'messed up' in the first place. You get one chance at life and I think you should get once chance at relationships too. Either make it work or let it go. But none of this back and forth love him and hate him bullshit. Because you're only hurting yourself...

"I think that you should let it burn..." Usher

Excitment and boredom all rolled into one big ray of me.

It has been a couple of days since I blogged. And for that I do apologize. I had some work issues and college issues to deal with, then a much needed rest without the use of alcohol for two reasons.

Reason Number 1:
I got more tattoos done. And I know not everyone appreciates tattoos or the art of them. In my line of work I have to keep them as hidden as much as possible because it isn't considered 'professional' and yet I will (and my boss would admit)that I am one of the best at what I do. I hate when people go out of their way to tell me "You've ruined your skin" "why would you do that" and "you know that's forever, right?" Really? I thought it would wash off with a little bit of elbow work and a Mr Clean Magic Eraser. (do not actually use magic erasers on your skin it will leave a scar just saying).
My mom is not a fan of my tattoos and I'm pretty sure most of my family are not fans of my tattoos which is completely ok. Because why? Its not their body. It's mine and at the ripe old of age of *25 (for the third time) I think I am old enough to know whether or not I want to be inked or not.
I do have a slight addiction to them though. When things are tough in my life and not going well or when something awful happens I immediately want a tattoo. To show I survived it that I lived through it and I made it. Can you look at my tattoos and know what I went through in my life and why I have the tattoos that I do? Absolutely not, they only mean something to me. But that meaning is enough for me. So look and stare all you want they're mine, they're forever and like everything else I do it's my choice!

Reason Number 2:
The results are in and its safe to say that I am officially 100% guaranteed that I am STD free! My friends and I had planned to 'celebrate' either way. We were going to drink to not having them or drink to the loss of my cleanliness on Saturday night. So when I get to the bar and grill we ended up deciding on there was even a cake made for me. Like I said we were celebrating either way and the cake said "YAY Herpes" you have to love the sense of humor my friends have.
We had an amazing time. Because I do have some amazing friends in my life!  I highly encouraged a guy friend of mine to karaoke the song "Genie in a bottle" and we made a little bet about it. However, on his end of the deal he did not shake my hand so when he did actually get up and make a fool of himself in a bar full of cowboys and rednecks singing that I did not have to hold up to my end of the deal... always shake on a bet.

We took random crazy pictures, which I would love to share with all of you but this one is definitely the icing on the cake so to speak.

So once again I highly recommend everyone get checked and tested you just never know. And want to thank Planned Parenthood for all their "hard" work and dedication to preventing and helping women in crisis and in need of birth control.

This just in: "Mega bitch does have heart!"

Sure I go on wild angry rants. I'm extremely vocal about my opinions good or bad. I curse worse than a lot of men and have called people to "take this outside" in the middle of fine dining. I am not above getting in your face (on my tippy toes) and telling you like it is!  When people piss me off I let the whole world know it. I have no shame in my emotions good or bad. They should be expressed I should be able to tell someone what I think of them and where they can go, its our rights as humans.

Do I always think it through no but in my opinion you should speak your mind and if necessary apologize for it later (which in my case rarely happens.) My fuse is short and often easily lit. I will fight over the drop of a hat and much sometimes less. I'm guarded and I keep people at a distance which makes hating them all that much easier and being mean to them all that more clever. I'm a bitch sure. Call me what you want. I may even take my problem out on you when it's not your fault. I'm random and sometimes uncontrollable! Say what you will. I am one extremely tough cookie... HOWEVER....

When people are hurting I am not one to kick them while they're down.  If someone (even someone I'd like to see hit by a mack truck) is in pain or sad I will lend a helping hand and do what I can to ease that situation. Even if you've fucked me over and ruined my life I will still try and make things better for you. I do have a heart, though small, broken, dusty and usually takes the back burner in my life, IT IS THERE! And I do occasionally use it.

So when people decide to judge me and assume the worst that I'm going to feed off the weak or down hearted, I feel compelled to tell them where they can go and how I feel about it. How dare you assume that I'm that heartless. How dare you pretend to know me at all. Do not judge me based on my rants and rages, we all need to vent. I know there have been times you've seen me at my best. I know there are times when I'm caught off guard and I cry over something simple. I love dandelions! I've rocked out in my car with my windows down sunroof open and acted like a complete idiot for the sake of another.I've danced (poorly) and made someone laugh. I've sat by a pond and just enjoyed nature. I've hiked and felt free reaching the top. I've been a lover and been loved. I saved animals and nursed them back to health. I know that you've seen me laugh with a group of children and play ring around the Rosie like I were a child myself. I am human. I care, laugh, cry, vent, rage and hate... and occasionally I love. There is good in this person whether you like to believe that or not.

When it comes to my friends no matter where they go or what they've done I have their back. You don't know me well enough to tell me what to do in any given situation. So back down before we have to take this outside sir. I may complain about my friends but I love them and all their imperfections. Through thick and thin. So the next time you try to act like you know me, you better call me out to my face.... Be a man grow a pair and let's take this outside.

"Today's post is brought to you by the letters F and U..."

I'm a she-man woman hater! That's right girl I just called you out with a smile!

I’m trying to think of the nicest way possible to say this…. I hate women. I am at most times ashamed of our gender. We as a whole (and I will include myself in this statement) can be so judgmental, bitchy and competitive.  It’s completely annoying. I have no idea how lesbians and straight men put up with us. Our rants and hate for one another, the way we turn against each other and immediately hate any other woman we meet.  Oh, sure we’ll smile and introduce ourselves but what is really going through our heads?

We’re first sizing each other up. Look wise of course; because every other woman in this world is competition for the man that you want or could want or could have.  So, you give them the one over. Not in that sexy way, not at all, but in that disgust for all females’ way… a glare and stare down.  Their hair, makeup, smile, height, weight, clothes, shoes and even purse have now become part of this terrible ritual.  After the size up then you compare. Is she taller than me, skinnier than me, bigger boobs than me, better hair than me, better style than me? All these comparisons and yet you still smile. You still treat her as if you’ll be friends for life and longer, and you know she’s doing the same thing why? Because women are evil. We are in constant battle with each other and ourselves. We’re insecure and take it out on each other.

So once you’ve gained  enough visual information from her you want and will get all the dirt you possibly can on her so you can convince others she’s just as evil as you think she is. Ladies you know how easy it is to get your female friends to hop on board for some female bashing. We live to hate each other.  This new woman that you’ve met five minutes ago has now become your mortal enemy because she’s new competition. You don’t know the way she works so you must hate her before she has a chance to steal your man wreck your home and be better at anything you can do.   So the gossip begins and before you know it this new girl has become a man stealing home wrecking whore who’s probably had a nose job and has crooked teeth and you swear she has a hairy mole. You take each and every word she said, twist it to make it suit your “evil theory” and run with it.  You looked for the worst in her and you found it why? Because that’s what women do! We tear each other apart for our own insecurities.

So how do we end up with friends who are in fact female? We studied them as well compared ourselves to them but and detected no threat. This can take weeks to be sure. But all the while you smile and maintain a friendly composure each secretly still looking for a fatal flaw, just one false move, one wrong word, so that way we can tear you down, bit but evil bit.  Once you’ve obtained female friends you then like a pack of rabid beasts feed off the new girls that stray into your territory. How dare they think they can walk into your space, look in your general direction and ask you where the rest room is… who do they think they are? Let gossip and woman hating commence.

We’re completely stupid. Men don’t do this to each other (at least not what I gather from my guy friends). So why do we? Evil pure and utter evil, from within us. We are so worried that some other girl is better looking; better than us in some way that we can’t trust them and immediately judge them.  And I do this too. I immediately like to pummel the new girl. But in reality nine times out of ten she isn’t that bad… but this judgment could take weeks before the friend panel comes back with a verdict:  is she a threat or not?

I will be the first to admit that I do not have many girl friends. This is why and on top of that you can’t trust them!  Gossip galore, if I wanted the world to know what I told you in confidence then I’d blog about it or put it on facebook.  I don’t need your mouth running through the town telling everyone my business I confided in you with.  Guys make much better friends.  They’re sarcastic and loyal and don’t care about petty shit and gossip. They tell you straight up how it is, no bull shit just fact. No sugar coating or fake smiles. They don’t care about your shoes and your makeup or what purse you’re carrying and they sure don’t want to hear your bitching. You don’t have to compete with them or decide whether or not they’re friend worthy men are who they are from the start.  Men make better friends definitely. 

“The more women I meet the more I love being one of the guys…”

I'm going with the Men on this one Ladies...

For whatever reason it is, many women get into relationships and give the man false hope of an ever present sex life. Then sparks fade the woman's tired, she has a headache blah blah fucking blah. I will never understand woman getting into a monogamous relationship only to stop having sex with their man. First off how do you NOT have sex when its available to you at all times...
 Does this give him the right to cheat on you not at all but I sure as hell see why he does. Why be in a relationship if you're not having sex? Do you understand how unhealthy that is?If you're not sexually attracted to them anymore then don't be with them, and if you are start showing it! I know women who don't even have sex with their men weekly let alone daily. I'm not a nympho, I'm normal when I'm with someone I want to have sex with them, I enjoy it, it feels good. Its a sign of affection and a great way to end any day! So when sex stops so does all the things you ladies complain that you miss from your man.  He doesn't do this and he doesn't do that... well have you fucked him lately????
What you obviously don't understand is that if you take sex away from your man one of two things will happen: he's either going to cheat on you and find it elsewhere or he's going to quit giving a fuck and not doing shit for you either. Now flip the situation around you have sex nightly and he will be nicer to you and do more things for you why? Because he doesn't want to lose that! He doesn't want you to take that away. You have the power ladies you're just going about it the wrong way. With holding sex is just as bad for you as it is on him.... you're making him do things or not do things that piss you off but what the fuck have you done for him lately? 
It is true that if you don't use it you lose it. Women's sex drive diminishes greatly in relationships the longer they go without having it. While the more you have it the more you want it. The better it becomes and the better you feel.
I've researched this actually and there is a website that lists all the reasons you should have sex if you're not going on pure enjoyment alone and I'd like to share them with you so that maybe ladies you'll think about stopping the excuses and keeping your man on his toes while he makes you curl yours! These benefits are not only for your and your man's health but your sanity and happiness as well. But I still don't understand why anyone really needs a "reason" to have sex...

Reasons to have sex  regularly (FACTS):
*Reduces the risk of heart attack by 50%
*Reduces strokes in men
*30 minute romp alone can burn more than 200 calories that beats the treadmill
*Stops your bitchy mood and irritability (and yes you definitely need that)
*Boosts your immune system by 30%
*Slows the aging process by destressing
*Helps with sleep (I can vouch for that!)
*Improves your senses of taste and smell
*Helps bladder control by toning bladder and pelvic muscles
*Gets rid of menstrual cramps (so throw a towel down and have at it)
*Boosts energy!
*Tightens your ass, belly, thighs and arms (the  complete workout)
*Improves flexibility
*Boosts self image in woman and confidence both inside the sheets and on the streets
*Relieves headaches!!!!!!! (so throw that excuse out the window ladies shit's a lie)
*Helps reduce your man's risk of prostate cancer
*Increases the amount of time your man will be willing to cuddle with you... (do for him he'll do for you)
*Relieves tension - bad day at work fuck-fest a must!
*Improves your natural creativity and fantasy

So you see Ladies you have absolutely no excuse to say "no" to sex if you're in a relationship. I am not condoning whoring yourself out but if you chose to do so, more power to you. Sex is healthy and promotes a healthy life. So get with the program ladies and hop up on your man or some other woman will!

"Masturbation is sex with someone I love...."

Fucking For America!

Listen up Ladies and Gentlemen as well as sluts and man whores... I'm only going to say this once!
I support our troops, our military, our soldiers! Everyone involved man and woman, from the top ranking officers to the right of the bus boot camper. I applaud your strength, heroic effort and all the pride you have in our country!
And for that I propose that the rest of us do our part as well.... I will it to be done that every soldier, military, officer and boot camp goer be rewarded for their duties. Fucking for America! Give the men and women who sacrifice so much for us a helping hand (job?). We should all be willing and ready and able to have sex with them and help them relieve some stress.

Support your troops, fuck a soldier!
Thank you again for all you do. We are lucky to have such brave men and women in our country!

The loss of a Penis and the very HOT cowboy.

Now. I've never been a girl to say "save a horse ride a cowboy" or think a "tractor is sexy" because that just isn't my style. I prefer more of an edge, from a family tree with sporadic limbs and crazy vines. Not a redneck in boots, a tree that stands straight without branches. So, when Mr. Cowboy came my way I will say I immediately had my doubts. But a single girl must do what a single girl must do. I decided to talk with him, possibly give him a chance and get to know him a little bit. He was tall, brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen. He said things like "darlin'" and called me "doll" and came across as a complete gentlemen. I'd talk to him on the phone and his southern accent made me chuckle but at the same time was a little charming.
We talked about everything, he told me how he had, had his heart broken and hadn't been the same. That he loved his dog and trucks. Went to tractor pulls and rode horses... the all American cowboy. Boots hat tight jeans the works...
After a few weeks of texting and talking on the phone because I had refused to meet him since he one wasn't my type two I didn't know him and three he was sort of one of my back up plans (yeah yeah fucking get over it...) we started talking about sex. Imagine that me having a conversation with a man I've never met about sex. *He found me on myspace remember that old school shit*
Mr. Cowboy says "Darlin' I'd like to ask you a question and it's serious."
Go ahead I reply because we all know I have no shame...
"Doll, if you had to go for tha resta your life without havin' any kind of sex could you do it?"
Immediately red flag... What the fuck kind of man asks if a girl if she could go without having sex? I assume he's going to tell me that he has an over active sex drive  and wants to see if I can "handle" him. So I tell him nothing but the truth.
"Honestly, I don't think I could go the rest of my life never having sex. What would the point in being in a relationship be if you couldn't have sex. We might has well just be friends, have no sexual interest in each other or you could be my gay bff  and go shopping with me because otherwise we'd have sex..." he paused for a moment and I continued "I just happen to be a girl that likes sex... so honestly no I couldn't do it. I'm not saying I would cheat on someone I cared about to get it but I wouldn't want to live without it..." another long pause and this time I just wait wondering what the hell is going on in his mind....
"The reason I ask Darlin' is because I can't..."
You can't what I ask...
"I can't have sex" I immediately start laughing
"yes you can you've sent me pictures I know your penis works... it gets hard I have proof  unless of course you sent me someone else's penis in that case that's a shitty thing to do... is that what you did? Are you impotent????"
"No no no darlin' listen, I can... I just can't"
"What the fuck does that mean..."
"Well when I said I got my heart brokin' it was by my ex she cheated on me. And I tried to forgive her and take her back and work things out. I tried I really tried."
"What does this have to do with not being able to have sex are you emotional impotent?"
"My penis works just fine thank you very much it's just that I...... well........
I...........
I don't know how to say this........
Its.......
I just want you to know I really like you which is why I wanna tell you.........
.............
that
............
I have a problem see.....
"WHAT IS IT?"
"I don't want you thinkin any differently of me..."
"Just tell me... I won't..."
Mr. Cowboy sighed... "I have herpes...."
INSERT LONG DRAWN OUT PAUSE BY ME HERE....
"Wow...
really...
that... hmmmmmmmmm
It sucks to be you. I'm glad we're friends and can talk about this. Can I call you back?"
CLICK.
And that was the end of Mr. Cowboy and what could have been a very nice encounter with a very bad diseased penis.

Did he look herpefied? Not at all. Clean and handsome and charming... so ladies beware. Herpes are for life, that shit comes back with you!

5 to 8 more days  for my results. Fingers crossed

Definitely  questions to ask your next date:
1. Do you have herpes.
2. Can I check?

Sexting, texting and drunk OH MY!

For whatever reason it may be, texting is the very first thing I want to do when I'm drunk. I don't make drunk phone calls because I can't reach as many people as I can forward one text too.They're always random and usually vulgar to be nice about it. And always without a doubt those drunk texts lead to me wanting sex from someone or two...
I don't know what it is about alcohol that does that to me. Trust me I'm a fighter not a lover but you give me a few drinks and will in fact "love" on you all... night... long. Am I the only girl that gets this way? It's and instant aphrodisiac, I'm touchy and feely and just can't get enough of 'you'. Whoever 'you' may be. Now I do have my favorites I will admit. There are certain people that will always turn me down... is this why I text them? Do I text them so much because deep down I know they're say no or do I simply want what I can't have?
Sexting has probably turned into an all American sport. I have friends showing off their new pics of the new guy they're seeing his penis his chest his abs the works, plus their back up plans abs chest penis and all that. (we all have back up plans don't be shocked by this...)  Now we all claim these pictures are meant for "your eyes only" but when it comes down to it who are we kidding? Any time I send a picture to anyone I know that they are in fact showing their friends as well... so when sexting and showing off your goods just be aware that anything you show is getting shown.
Now that I've gone into that let's get back to my favorite drunken night... with my BFF. So we had a "hotel party" and drank the night away. Jack Daniels in my hand the entire night. I punched people's faces, I tackled people onto beds. I made out in the bathroom. By the time our party slows down and people start leaving there were four of us left.  Two girls, two guys.  Double beds I will add. I as usual end up falling into bed with my BFF who happens to be a guy... so everyone is clear on that. On all our nights out we always sleep together and nothing happens. We just sleep. Seriously...
But that night was a little different. In the middle of the night I wake up go to the restroom come back and completely jump on top of him and start making out with him. I will be honest he did push me away at first because he thought I had gone into the bathroom to throw up since the amount of Jack Daniels I had consumed could have killed many, many small children. But once he realized I didn't the ravaging continued until the people in the other bed made a noise.... now I was trashed completely. Honestly, I don't think I cared that they made or noise or even if they watched at this point. (I say I don't think because he had to remind me of this story the following day). He starts telling me "No" and to go to sleep. Telling me I would regret it and never speak to him again and we're such good friends and he would never want to lose me and he knows I burn bridges so I immediately start confessing my undying love for him  and swearing its not the alcohol. Promising him its not the alcohol that I've felt this way all my life, why? Because I was drunk and I love 'you' when I'm drunk. I begged him I pleaded with him and like a "good" friend or "nice" guy he said no. And forced me to go to sleep...  The next day I remembered nothing. And he ended up telling me the whole story... I still give him grief about turning me down... and I still attempt to have sex with him while drunk. I gotta hand it to him the boy has will power. And I've already told our friends about our night so he can't be mad for this blog about it.
 So until my next drunken night XOXO Bff

"Here's to the night..."

I got fingered, I paid for it,I didn't enjoy it. What a whore!

*First off before I go into my graphic description of my vagina probe that occurred earlier today. I want to give a shout out to "What the Random" on facebook. They're awesome, hilarious and clever. I'm sure their extremely well hung and attractive too. So everyone should "like" them on facebook. And keep reading my blog! *

Let me start off by saying when getting a pap smear I always get prepared like I'm going on a date. Everything gets washed, shaved, extra lotion and perfume fix my hair and make up. I want to look my best at any time my vagina has the chance to be seen... and Planned Parenthood is an awesome clinic. Which I had heard terrible horror stories from other women who have vagina's as well. So walking in I clenched my legs as tightly as possible together hoping that nothing would break that sacred seal even though I needed and scheduled this appointment.
               *Needed- I had unprotected sex with men who were man whores. Sigh I know. Plus I needed more BC (birth control), and wanted to be tested for every possible STD in the world. Possibly even tested twice just to be sure*
They gave me a ton of paperwork that went into graphic detail about my sexual history and my vagina. Do you have more than one partner does your partner have sex with other partners does your partner have sex with partners of the same gender do you have sex with partners of the same gender. All I know is what I do I have no idea what these other guys were doing in their college days and spare time so I just out a big arrow out to the side and wrote "No fucking clue."
Then  the vagina questions, is it leaking what color is the discharge does it smell what color is it does it have bumps or sores is it irritated? Arrow out to the side "NO ewww gross!" Then of course it asked about condoms to which we all now know I hate... and honestly I wanted to lie and say yes but then what the hell would I be needed every STD test under the sun for? So I wrote "No I don't use them (sad face)" . I turn in my paper work and wait...
and wait...
and wait...
Until what do you know someone walks in.... and not just anyone but someone I know. And that someone I know is with a guy I used to date! How embarrassing for me? I immediately thought of all the horrible reasons they were there abortion, STD's and then I was like wait a minute that's what they're thinking about me... (double standard I know... let's not be so judgemental, besides I do what I want.) Do I talk to them or pretend to sit here awkwardly knowing that we know each other and avoid contact at all.... Of course I speak to them. I even moved across the room to sit closer to them. I could tell how completely mortified the girl was but the guy tried to play it cool. Apparently you're not supposed to ask "What are you here for" at planned parenthood because I was called up to the front desk and taken back to my own waiting room where I waited
and waited
and waited
Then a woman walked in wearing the same jeans that I had on and I immediately loved her. Very good taste. So If I'm going to to fondled and fingered by a women let her at least have some style. We talked about random sex and birth control and I did get the condom speech and she even offered me a bag full of them which I declined but promised to buy some for the future of my sex hood. They took my blood listed every possible disease I could have and went down the list. I was told to get undressed... she talked about pressure fingered around and was done and out within 3 minutes tops. All that and I didn't even enjoy it. I was fingered fondled and shared my entire sexual history with a woman... and paid her for her services. And didn't enjoy it. Didn't even get dinner, lunch not even a coffee.... I felt like I had been used. She felt me up handed me a bag took my money gave me a sticker and sent me on my way...

Gnyo visits are like bad dates... I almost can't wait to go back! Oh oh oh also results come back in 7 to 10 days... party if I'm clean, drink to the loss of my vagina if I'm not! It's ALMOST a win win...

"I love you like herpes, that's for life!"