I know all too well... One drink to remember another to forget?

            We all know rejection. We all have felt that feeling of loving without it being returned and yet we never get used to the pain. Normally, I do not tolerate this well. If someone doesn’t like me then they immediately become deleted from my life, from my friends, from my phone and any other form of contact I could make. They are now a ghost in my past forever to hate and never to look back. At this very moment I have someone that is quite the opposite and I’m struggling at this even as I type wondering why?

            We’re still friends, I still talk to him occasionally and I wish nothing but good things for him but we all know that if I’m being honest those good things would all have to do with me. I did; however, have to delete his number from my phone for the mere fact that I can’t be that girl crying and sad over him drunk texting him “why not me?” I refuse to make myself appear so ridiculous. I honestly refuse to tell him anymore that I care because it’s not that my words fall on deaf ears, it’s that he doesn’t feel the same way. So why be psycho about it. He knows where I stand.

So when he says we’re friends, I say that’s right. When he tells me he still loves me I have to take a deep breath and know that it’s only as a friend and say “you always have”.  And we make short talk and discuss our lives and random rants. For a moment, I swear a part of me is extremely excited and hanging on his every word and yet I’m drowning in them at the same time. How can one conversation turn my world upside down and no one else even know it?

Trust me, girls I’ve tried the tricks. I’ve tried the jealous route, I’ve flat out talked to him about it and I even cried but only once and the circumstances were extremely called for but he was there for the break down. And nothing, I love what I cannot have. I want who I’ll never be able to obtain. And I will probably forever compare the rest of my dates to him because I really undeniably care for him, still! It’s been over a year and still that feeling remains. I would have done anything for him and honestly I still will.

We are friends… and I say that with a slightly broken heart and a smile. Is it best that I have him as a friend and nothing more than that, suffering and smiling or not at all and always wonder? I’ve tried both. I have deleted him from my life completely. I have yelled and cursed the very ground he walked on but it didn’t make me feel any better. And then I apologized for it later (yes I stooped to apologizing for my immature behavior). It’s a vicious cycle that I know I’m not going to win. I can’t have him so why can’t I move on and let it go.

Facebook stalking is completely out of the question for two reasons. One I can’t even look at his pictures… I get emotional, I get butterflies and then sad and upset and a mixture of feelings I don’t want. And two: I can’t be that girl so hung up on a guy that I stalk him… though I did try and found out really quickly that I am unable to be “that” girl.

            Am I saying people don’t know about this and that I hide it so well? No, some of my friends know but the majority does not. I’m not sharing names or details. I just want everyone to know even I have that same problem. Which pisses me off that people seriously believe I’ve never had unrequited love before… but that’s a whole different rant.

I understand exactly how you feel when you can’t have someone but they’re in your life and they walk by and your stomach is in knots and you can’t let it go. I understand that. I feel your pain, your butterflies and your constant wondering “why not me?”  People say some things are better left alone, that everything happens for a reason and that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Those words do not help me at all… though I understand where they came from. Those wise words became someone’s advice, to someone like me that went on a rant and they tried to help them.  There is no cure, except hopefully time.

“The problem with men is that they love Angelina Jolie’s and they keep breaking their hearts, you all need to find yourself a Jennifer Aniston, charming, beautiful and America’s sweetheart.”

I won't say I'm in love...