I have yet to tell this story because I don’t really know where to begin. How do you share a major part in your life that went on for years and forever changed your life and outlook on love and relationships in the beginning and the end?
From a very young age I decided I would never get married. That I would never love and actually that love didn’t exist. I had seen my parents in a loveless marriage. I felt that all that romantic movie magic was nothing more than a crush or lust and unrealistic to those of us in real life. Love for whatever reason became something I mocked and made fun of. I love my shoes, I love pizza, I love my car, I love you? The word itself had no meaning. I did not love. I would not love. And I refused to believe that it could even be possible for love to exist.
My friends all knew this about me. I was callous and cold to the idea of relationships and laughed at the daily changing of whom “loved” who in high school. I was young but determined to never let anyone get to me the way I had seen so many other people fall. I was never going to allow that to happen… but it did. I honestly don’t know when I noticed it or how it actually came to happen. But a friend of mine had quickly and suddenly become my boyfriend and I truly loved him.
He was the very first person I had ever told that I loved them. He was not however the first person I had sex with. I never did have sex with him. That came a few years later with someone else.
I will never forget that feeling of innocence and the idea that I had found love. That it was real that it did exist and all my rants were bullshit. Because I had found it, I was holding it in my very heart and soul as I held his hand. In my mind it’s perfect. But I remember little things that were not great about the relationship. I try to block those out because I want my first experience with love to be perfect. I would like to say this is the relationship I would then forever compare all other relationships too… but it just isn’t so. Though perfect in my mind, not perfect in reality.
My life and views on love had changed. Why… I was in love! I was madly in love so much to the point that I was giddy all the time. Every thought every moment was spent thinking of or with him. Doing ‘nothing’ was just as great as going out. Just being around him, his smell the cologne he wore and the way my head fit perfectly onto his chest when snuggled against him was all that I thought I would ever need in life. What more could any girl ask for? I was in love and he was in love with me. Forever. That’s how it works… nothing could change that. Because love is forever, love lasts. Right?
And then came the end, riding in the car to my house. I begin hearing a well played and well prepared speech. I know exactly where this is going but I refuse to believe it, refuse to listen to it… I jump out of the car and go running down the road. I cross the rail road tracks throw off my heels and run as fast as I could into an old school parking lot. I collapsed. I sat on the wet rainy pavement as he finally caught up to me. I curled myself in to a ball pulled my knees into my chest and waited as he continued on with his monologue. This isn’t real this isn’t happening and as I sat there my heart broke and the more it broke the madder I became. I was bitter, I was sad, I was hurt by the only person I had ever allowed ‘in’ and here he was giving me a break up speech. Though I vaguely now remember the words of that speech a sentence with always stick with me “I’m a man now, I have needs. And you… you’re a virgin. I want to be able to have sex and not take that away from you…”
And there it was. The reason I was being dumped by the person I loved that loved me so much… I wouldn’t have sex with him. I was crushed, I was miserable and I felt like I had been fooled the entire relationship. The irony of all of this is I was planning on having sex with him that night, after that very car ride. I wanted it to be a surprise, so I never even hinted to it. Though I will not mention the occasion the day itself was extremely special and important in every teenage life.
I will never forget my first experience with love. Like most firsts it will always be with you. But it has hardened my heart maybe a little more than it was before I had experienced it. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? No, because I learned a lot in that first relationship; however, if I had known then what I know now, things would have been a lot different.
I have made amends with this Man, but cannot forget. I forgive because we were both young and immature but you just can’t forget your first broken heart.
“Love as if you’ve never been hurt.”
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