*First off before I go into my graphic description of my vagina probe that occurred earlier today. I want to give a shout out to "What the Random" on facebook. They're awesome, hilarious and clever. I'm sure their extremely well hung and attractive too. So everyone should "like" them on facebook. And keep reading my blog! *
Let me start off by saying when getting a pap smear I always get prepared like I'm going on a date. Everything gets washed, shaved, extra lotion and perfume fix my hair and make up. I want to look my best at any time my vagina has the chance to be seen... and Planned Parenthood is an awesome clinic. Which I had heard terrible horror stories from other women who have vagina's as well. So walking in I clenched my legs as tightly as possible together hoping that nothing would break that sacred seal even though I needed and scheduled this appointment.
*Needed- I had unprotected sex with men who were man whores. Sigh I know. Plus I needed more BC (birth control), and wanted to be tested for every possible STD in the world. Possibly even tested twice just to be sure*
They gave me a ton of paperwork that went into graphic detail about my sexual history and my vagina. Do you have more than one partner does your partner have sex with other partners does your partner have sex with partners of the same gender do you have sex with partners of the same gender. All I know is what I do I have no idea what these other guys were doing in their college days and spare time so I just out a big arrow out to the side and wrote "No fucking clue."
Then the vagina questions, is it leaking what color is the discharge does it smell what color is it does it have bumps or sores is it irritated? Arrow out to the side "NO ewww gross!" Then of course it asked about condoms to which we all now know I hate... and honestly I wanted to lie and say yes but then what the hell would I be needed every STD test under the sun for? So I wrote "No I don't use them (sad face)" . I turn in my paper work and wait...
and wait...
and wait...
Until what do you know someone walks in.... and not just anyone but someone I know. And that someone I know is with a guy I used to date! How embarrassing for me? I immediately thought of all the horrible reasons they were there abortion, STD's and then I was like wait a minute that's what they're thinking about me... (double standard I know... let's not be so judgemental, besides I do what I want.) Do I talk to them or pretend to sit here awkwardly knowing that we know each other and avoid contact at all.... Of course I speak to them. I even moved across the room to sit closer to them. I could tell how completely mortified the girl was but the guy tried to play it cool. Apparently you're not supposed to ask "What are you here for" at planned parenthood because I was called up to the front desk and taken back to my own waiting room where I waited
and waited
and waited
Then a woman walked in wearing the same jeans that I had on and I immediately loved her. Very good taste. So If I'm going to to fondled and fingered by a women let her at least have some style. We talked about random sex and birth control and I did get the condom speech and she even offered me a bag full of them which I declined but promised to buy some for the future of my sex hood. They took my blood listed every possible disease I could have and went down the list. I was told to get undressed... she talked about pressure fingered around and was done and out within 3 minutes tops. All that and I didn't even enjoy it. I was fingered fondled and shared my entire sexual history with a woman... and paid her for her services. And didn't enjoy it. Didn't even get dinner, lunch not even a coffee.... I felt like I had been used. She felt me up handed me a bag took my money gave me a sticker and sent me on my way...
Gnyo visits are like bad dates... I almost can't wait to go back! Oh oh oh also results come back in 7 to 10 days... party if I'm clean, drink to the loss of my vagina if I'm not! It's ALMOST a win win...
"I love you like herpes, that's for life!"
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